Another Actual IM Conversation

*halfway through a long conversation*

Valancy Jane says:
Hi.

Col says:
'allo

Valancy Jane says:
It's friday.

Col says:
YES!

Valancy Jane says:
I have no attention span on fridays.
NONE.

Col says:
lol

Valancy Jane says:
Did I ever mention that?
NONE.

Col says:
i have very little anyway
lol

Valancy Jane says:
I usually do, so it's a bit of a contrast.

Valancy Jane - *starts reading a cookbook on her desk, then logs in to check her email, but the page takes too long to load so she changes the music on her media player. Twice. Then she reads one email, minimizes it and checks a different account, opens a response to someone she REALLY needs to reply to, to remind her. Makes a notation on her grocery list about the recipe calling for baby spinach, not ordinary spinach. Goes back to first email account, where there is an email from Col, which reminds her of the IM conversation with Col. Checks IM window. Col has been offline for quite some time*

Jonny, he cracks me up.

Meth

Meth McMeth Methy MethMeth.

I need to use that word more.

Meth Lab. How To.

Meth is good.

Meth. Meth. Meth.

See, back in November I made a joke about running a meth lab in my kitchen.

And now I'm, "Valancy Jane, frustrating meth addicts since 2004."

I show up on all sorts of searches for meth lab related questions, and I love that they waste their time coming here and not getting the info they seek. I love that the guy that came to my blog with the search "accidently washing crystal meth in water" probably lost that batch, no thanks to me. I feel I'm doing my part to better the world.
So from now on, I'm using the word METH more. I want to be high on all the searchs. I want to be here, people.
Feel free to use the word meth in comments.

Bathroom Reading Reminded Me........

........Of this.

It kills me.
Something about Will Ferrell in that too-tight shirt, when he gets real close to the singer, and starts to slow it down, and Jimmy just openly loses it and can't or won't stop laughing.

Ok, This Was What I Saw The Other Night.

Actually, none of these look like the actual missile flying across the sky, which had a straight path. This is what it looked like minutes after, as the wind blew the particle plume stuff into the corkscrew.

I Say A Little Prayer For You....

.......... the victims of the wildfires, because I remember (here and here) how scary they can be.

Today Is [Christian Coworker]'s Last Day At This Company

Remember her?

Should I flash her -
	The right boob
	The left boob
	Both at once
	Both at once, with booby tassles that gyrate in opposite directions while I boogie down to "I'm Too Sexy".
	A smile
	All of the above
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Happiness is ............

........... when your now ex-boyfriend stops reading your blog the day you guys break up, and tells you so, that he'll only read a link to a specific post if you send it to him. Once you post something on the internet, it's impossible to control acess to it, and to have someone freely offer you that control and privacy, that freedom to bare your soul in the one forum you love so much, that shows class.

Thank you, JR.

This Post Will Be Sappy.

How sappy, you ask?

It has song lyrics in it.
Yeah.
That sappy.


Dear Martina McBride,

Thank you.

Thank you for the memory of sitting on the swings as a young kid, with Bug, both of us singing your songs, specifically one of our favorites, My Baby Loves Me.

He loves me tender and he loves me mad
He loves me silly and he loves me sad
He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart
He likes my nerve and he loves my heart
He's always sayin' he's my biggest fan
My baby loves me just the way that I am
My baby loves me just the way that I am

I can't think of a better message for young girls to learn about what love is, and I'm happy to have reinforced those words into Bug's mind.

Indepence Day (a metaphor about domestic abuse) has always been a little mantra type thing for me to hum, when I need to be reminded not to continue in a victim mindset.

Let Freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay, it's Independence Day

Wrong Again coaxed me out of my pjs and out of my apartment after a couple hard breakups.

And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited 'round the bend
I was sure I'd never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend
Wrong again

Love's The Only House perfectly captures, and probably helped to shape, my basic social views.

I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came through with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
But I just get more behind with every day
And every morning when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

He was walking by the other day and I said
Hey baby how you been?
Yeah I got me a little girl now and she's 4 years old
And she's got her daddy's little grin
And you only want what you can't have
And baby you can't have me nowI gave me heart to another
Yeah I'm a mother and he's a father and we're a family
And we've got each other
And I found out the hard way that

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the river and you see a ghetto there
And we got children walking around with guns
And they got knives with drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walkin' around in a culture of darkness
Livin' together alone, and all I can say is

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand
Somewhere cross the parking lot some bands playin out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
And senorita can't quit cryin, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of tryin
No one there to show him the way she came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk but I don't have any money
I said hey I'll cover you honey cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pain's gotta go someplace
So come on down to my house
Don't you know that

Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain

The ghost of the little girl I once was found a voice in your haunting song Concrete Angel and went far to lay that pain to rest.

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place
Where she's loved

And most of all, thank you for Blessed. It's just MY song.

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

I'm not one for celebrity worship, but the way you live your life inspires me. You've used your voice to bring comfort and wisdom and love and empowerment to millions of women, myself included.
Thank you for your voice. I was listening all along.

The "sweetest thing that you'll ever see in the whole wide world, a happy girl,"
-Valancy Jane

Happiness is ...........

........... arriving a bit late to one of David's band's gigs, just as they are starting, and finding out that the girls in the hair salon next door had gotten a hold of them and now the band was rocking out with elaborate prom-hair updos, complete with flowers in their hair and in David's case, a feather boa.
They were so pretty.

........... standing there, watching them play, on a stage in the middle of the street for a car show/benefit for Katrina victims, rocking out, while people strolled along, the sun had just set and the late summer night air was perfect and calling 'Rez and having Gilly jump on the bed to wake her up so you can tell her how happy you are in this minute and having her understand.

More Beautiful People.

David, who IS as fun as he looks. Yes. Really. That much fun.

Col, who is so sweet I think she is in fact, actually EDIBLE.

Pete. Who just ........................... wow. Who just ROCKS.

And one more picture of Eric and Christy's wedding, because they make giddy-happy.

Yo, Nick.

I love the new flickr photos. Emily is ADORABLE, I love her smile. You know I love pictures of cute animals. The scenery shot are beautiful.

But this one confuses me. Something about the position of the unicycle, the tree and you. I don't understand how this happened, exactly.

Do I WANT to know?

Another Actual IM Conversation

Lou says:
I met Daniel's Mexican twin today

Valancy Jane says:
I love that you start coversations that way.

Another Actual IM Conversation

David says:
we are the entertainment

Valancy Jane says:
For tonight?

David says:
you and me are the entertainment for the show tonight

Valancy Jane says:
You and me?

David says:
better do some stretches

Valancy Jane says:
*gets out her tamborine* I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

David says:
k
pulls dancing monkey out of music box
Welcome to the Dave and Mr. Jiggles show

Valancy Jane says:
*puts on her veil and belt of bells*
HEY!

David says:
with special guest [Valancy Jane]

Valancy Jane says:
I want top billing with the MONKEY!

David says:
Mr Jiggles and I go way back

Valancy Jane says:
And [edited for content, and because it adds such a funny nuance to an innocent conversation] with you gets me NOWHERE?

David says:
He gets all the chicks with his little hat and vest.... despite his weight problem


Valancy Jane says:
*still jealous*

David says:
you are our "pecial guest"

Valancy Jane says:
Can I have a solo?

David says:
sure
solo tamborine

Valancy Jane says:
Ok. *utterly pacified*

David says:
what about playing the cowbell on his koliopy song?

Valancy Jane says:
Ok!

David says:
I think thats what calliope music is missing and I will let you make that musical breakthrough

Valancy Jane says:
Wow. It's my chance, my shot, my moment in the sun.

David says:
yup
Mr Jiggles and I will probably go to the downtown cafe for a beer while you play your solo

Valancy Jane says:
Ok. Bring me back a beer, ok?

Another Actual Conversation

Receptionist - "Lets unite and take over the world."

Freakishly Tall Engineer - "You start on the left, I'll start on the right. We'll meet in the middle."

And Sometimes..........

............. the usually busy gas station is almost bare of cars, on the morning you were on empty and running late and sometimes you get the pump closest to the door of the shop and sometimes the lovely Anwar behind the desk gives you one of her oh so rare smiles, the sort of smiles that give you the same feeling as the one you get when you see a deer come out of the woods, and sometimes there is NO traffic were there usually would be and sometimes you pop in a cd of songs that Coco gave you that makes you wanna bounce around, and sometimes you drive behind a Sparklets truck and the light reflected off all those sequin-y things on the back filling your car with dancing little lights while you car dance to "I'm A Believer" and sometimes you get to work and you find that three lovely people who's emails you have not gotten a chance to respond to yet because you're a spacey dork have actually written to you AGAIN, saying the nicest things imaginable even though you're the sort of person that doesn't respond to her fan mail promptly and sometimes you find leftover chocolate cake in the break room and cut yourself the end piece with all the frosting and sometimes the French Exec catches you red-handed eating cake for breakfast and laughs in a way that suggests he doesn't think badly of you and sometimes just as you are leaving the French Exec says, "Psst. Is there any MORE chocolate cake?" and sometimes there is one big piece and you laugh as you each take a huge bite and wander off back to your desks.

And sometimes even all that happiness doesn't compare to the first ten minutes of your day, the ten minutes between waking up and opening your eyes, that perfect ten minutes, but I can't tell you about that. *smile*

Dear Doctor Anonymous,

I've been told I'm too trusting of strangers. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,
Valancy Jane

Happiness is .........

.......... when your sweet coworkers are all so concerned that you might not have gotten a slice of that amazing cake topped with fresh strawberries and kiwi from the French Exec's/Owner with a Sense of Humor's joint birthday party, that they each bring you a piece, bringing your total cake wealth to 8 pieces. No, I didn't eat 8 pieces of cake, but I did eat the sugary fruit off the top of 8 pieces and it was heaven. Who said food isn't love?

........... when Ma Homie in Marketing paused and considered for just a teeny-tiny second my suggestion that the slide show on the new plasma screen in the lobby show cute pictures of my cats.

........... the clack of hardsole shoes on wood floor as you do your morning mail rounds. Ladies, do you remember the first pair of shoes that made that noise? Didn't you feel that in that moment, you had grown up? Whenever I hear the sound of my own heels like that I remember that feeling, when I was 11 years old and I got a pair of black dress shoes and spent two days walking all around the tile in the house, practicing making that noise, consistent on both feet, confidently, without hesitation. I can even do it to convey different moods, just with the noise. I can do Quietly Authoritative, Upbeat Happy Feet, Aggressive Bitch, and I'd Rather Be Dancing. I'm sure 'Rezzie knows what I mean.

........... the song Happy in the Meantime by Lit.

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned You've got what men want - believe it or not! What Scent Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Happiness is ..........

......... the fact that every employee that walks into the lobby informs me that the new plasma screen on the wall behind me is crooked, but they are split about 60%/40% on which way they think it's crooked.

Ok Readers, Here's Our Fun Project/Timewaster Of The Day

Ok, so this lovely organization?
Yeah, we're gonna prank 'em.
With your help.
Then, hopefully, we're each gonna give a five dollar donation to their cause, as an anonymous apology.
We might go to hell, but oh well, we're raising awareness of their organization.

See this page? With all the stories of happy adoptions? We're going to email them. Thanking them for our new pet.

Yes, I know. You didn't adopt a earless puppy or a three-legged cat from them, or even a llama. But that's not going to stop us, right?

Get as creative as you'd like. The following are perfect examples (Thanks 'Rez and Jonny).

Dear Baja,
Thank you so much for what you have done. I could not possibly be happier with my pet emu.

Ever since we welcomed Miu-Miu the Emu into our home, it has become a meeting centre for everyone in a 20 mile radius. Everyone loves the Emu!

When I was there, you were hesitant to let me take my beautiful little Miu-Miu because of concerns with the border. Naturally, this was a small concern but we managed thanks to chance and luck and prayer and the bribing. Thank you for so much for your concern on that account.

Just to let you know that Miu-Miu has more attention than he could possibly ever know what to do with, and I am more popular than I ever dreamed I could be. So, really, it's win-win.

I have enclosed a couple of pictures of our happiness for your website, www.bajadogs.org/happyendings.htm. The first is, obviously,Miu-Miu, our pride and joy, the very light of our soul, our very source of income. The second is the crowd we received a last weekend because of him. Admission was only $3 and we made quite a bundle!

Therese in Canada.

PS - The how-to-care-for-your-emu-in-cold-weather brochure was iminently useful and we never take Miu-Miu across the country on our ski trips without it. Thanks again.

Dear BAS,

Ever since I adopted a tiger from you I can honestly say I've become a new and better human being. Derek, as he authoritatively informed me was his name, is an absolute delight of a travelling companion.
When I am out with him I get respect, free bus tickets and never have to queue at the ice cream van. We even saw off more than a few local criminal circles down the pub last Friday night. Derek ate the local mafia don, and the power vacuum that resulted has set organised crime back 20 years.
As a domestic animal, Derek's manners and decorum are impeccable. He always wipes his feet and almost never misses the toilet bowl. Admittedly, he does eat four or five cows a week, which is something of an expense but I don't really mind that. I consider it a valuable investment.
Thank you again. Please find enclosed my 19 year old daughter as a token of my appreciation.
Sincerely, Jonny Opinion.

Dear BAS,

I just wanted to drop you guys a line and thank you for our pet rock, "Runner." At first her energetic ways were a lot to handle, you know how it is when they're young, but she's learning quickly, to roll over, to lay down, and to juggle. The children just adore her and Kaitlin and Runner took 1598th place in a local pet agility contest! Thanks again for all you do!

Sincerly, the Boulder Family.

So Then I Said ..............

............ "How did I wake up with pen mark on my eyelid??

Thoughts On My Commute

The most dangerous part of my commute is probably pulling out of my apartment complex's gated parking lot. It's a blind turn onto a back alley of a iffy neighborhood. Once I've gotten away from the corner where I live (which houses a 'smoke shop', an adult video rental and a combination liquor and gun shop that attempts to fool you into thinking it's two separate establishments by calling itself "Nick's Liquor and Hiram's Guns"), I figure the most dangerous part of my day is done.

And as much as I hate spending two hours in commute time everyday, it IS two hours a day that I don't have to justify my music choices to anyone. (Or how many times I hit repeat when my favorite song plays) Today it was trippy-happy trance music. Yesterday it was christmas carols. Friday it was Martina McBride's greatest hits, with lots of repeats on Independance Day and Happy Girl.

I'm Surrounded By Beautiful People

Nick, who is probably pretty from every imaginable angle, including inside out.

Becky, this isn't just my favorite picture of you, its one of my favorite pictures ever. It makes me wanna giggle and dance and jump around.

Svenny, you really do know how pretty you are, right? Right? If you don't, let me know and 'Rez and I will rave about it for a while.

Jonny, even if I'd never seen a picture of you ever, I'd know it was you.

Jefe, you bring so much happiness to those around you, you glow with the reflected shine of our smiles.

Lou, you somehow remind me of the taste of cranberrries, and there are some jokes I can only tell you.

Coco, you get this exact look whenever you're thinking of something michievious to do, and if you could bottle giggles, this picture would be the label.

Sammy, everyone that knows you adores you. And some pretty great people know you.

Evan, people as pretty as you aren't required to be as kind and witty and fun as you are.

Even though I'd sprained my knee, I danced at your wedding, Eric and Christy, as a matter of principle. Being around your love could make a statue dance.

Seven Things About Me That Surprise People

1. How serious I am in my faith, and how much it affects my choices. I don't talk about my faith much, unless asked, so people are surprised by how much it defines me and my life.

2. How well I mind my own business. I think it shocks people when they find out how curious I'm NOT. I think some people take it as indifference. Really, I just don't pry unless I feel you've expressely given me that right and WANT me to.

3. How much time alone I need. I'm very social and when I'm around people, I'm very there and in the moment and involved and interested, but I need far more daydream time than most people I know.

4. How long of an attention span I have. I can get so enjoyably buried in a monotanous project, I actually enjoy putting out bulk mailers or reorganizing a office or crochet a blanket. I used to volunteer on political campaigns and they loved me because they could find the most boring filing project and I'd happily dive right in and get in a zone. I once worked for 22 hours straight on folding, addressing and stamping a newletter and had a GREAT time.

5. How stupidly irresponsible I can be about remembering when bills are due, or appointments need to be made. I can't seem to rid myself of a deep-seated conviction that little elves will take care of it all if I leave it long enough. I try. Really I do. I don't deliberatly allow myself to be irresponsible, I just REALLY believe in the elves. I need one of two things. Either someone that loves handling little details like that to take care of them all, or for EVERYONE in my life to stop covering for me and force me to learn new habits. The second option sounds much healthier, but in complete honesty, I'd settle for either.

6. That I really don't/can't get excited over any of the following things that everyone assumes I would like - The DaVinci Code, chocolate, tulips, bars, the Simpsons (don't hate me, Evan), the color pink, playing any kind of sport, diamonds, black and white photographs of Paris, or the faster copier upstairs.

7. That I really have no "type" when it comes to men, physically or personality-wise. I like people that are very much themselves, whatever that might be. That's the only comman thread I can find amoung the men that interest me, that they all embraced their quirks and individuality.

In My Continuing Effort ...........

.......... to be in the children's christmas musical at my church, I attempted to audition as an 8th grader. (It's open to kindergarten to 8th graders)

The scary part is how close it came to working, but one of the kids slipped up and called me "Miss [VJ]" and the jig was up.

I am now a drama coach, which keeps me close enough to see opportunities to try again.

I haven't given up, by any means.

I WILL appear in the childrens' christmas musical.

Plan B involves getting Shannon (who can come to practices but will be out of town for the performance) to audition for a speaking role, then talking the other coaches into casting her, then when she doesn't show on the night of the show, announcing that I know all her lines.

Plan Z, if all else fails, is to make my own sheep costume and slip onstage with the kids.

Stolen Off A Box Of Tea

The Art of Giving
Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say why some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun.
Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no than yours, their choices in life no more easily made.
And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how it is shared, and you life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.

Another Actual Conversation

Youth Leader - "Can you guys think of anything else, any other activities that are more fun with another person?"

Valancy Jane - "Kissing!"

*room falls quiet*

Valancy Jane - "What? I'll stand by that statement."

Excerpts From My Journal, Circa Right After The Breakup

*Sitting in my now gone coffeeshop, writing furiously, in a way that might only make sense to me*

I'm confused but I don't have the luxury of breaking down.
Suck it up, chica, it's only your life.

I do a lot of damage when I pretend to know what I want.
And most of the damage is to the people that take me at my word.
Why do I feel obligated to pretend to know what I want?
Wishful thinking?
Vanity?


I'm crying and I'm smiling but I feel like I should look sad so that the people around me don't think I'm crazy. Screw that.
Why pretend?
My tears have no despair in them.

I wonder if anyone will ever understand that about me?
That the moment my face is puffy and blotchy and I'm laughing like a crazy woman, I'm at my most sane. That's how I think/heal.

I would help a lot if someone understood that. They they'd say the right things. They'd offer me tea and kleenex and look at me without pity, on the contrary, with acknowledgement that this is me at my finest.

I'm a confused, mixed-up little girl and I'm going to do the world a favor and admit it.

I will giggle and cry my way through it. It will be splotchy and unpretty and I will look crazy and when I'm done I will be at my most sane, my most honest, my most beautiful.

So Then Stephan Said .........

............... "Why is there nothing throwable in this room!?!?"

My Little Corner Of The World

My little valley hometown.
Taken by JR.

New Friend

You know how I posted this post about the post I had on craigslist?

I got a reply, from a woman named Patricia.

"I have located your lost or misplaced sense of humor, it was holding hands with your sanity, it was jogging down the aisle of hummm
Was it homedepot, maybe
Wal-mart in Poway even..
Anyway..
you might try checking thoseplaces. :)
Just thought you needed a reply.."

My reply -
Bless you.

My sense of humor came staggering home dead drunk later that day, with a pocket full of 1 and a quarter inch drywall nails, so I think you were right about HomeDepot.
My sanity has been gone so long it's begining to be regarded as a myth, like Bigfoot.
-Valancy Jane

Another Actual IM Conversation

Valancy Jane says:
I love blogging so much.

Jonny says:
why don't you marry it then?

Valancy Jane says:
*marries blogging in short ceremony, hits publish*

This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog.

We are now 27% married.

We are now 56% married.

We are now 81% married.

We are still 81% married.

There were errors. See details.

Request.

Ok, so living in a military town (San Diego has two naval bases and two marine bases) has it's ups and downs, but you get used to it.

You learn not to get too sensitive of car alarms because low flying planes doing manuvers at mock 7 tend to set them off.

It's not so bad, really, living in a city where the female to young/employed/fit male ratio is so highly in your favor.

The bases usually send out a press release to all the radio stations and the like, if they're going to be testing anything odd or loud or weird. Not so much telling you what it is they're testing, but just what specifically to ignore. "Ignore the loud booming noise from the desert tonight." "Don't worry about flashing lights under the water off the shore."

So you'd THINK they would have said something like, "Ignore the HUGE BRIGHT low-flying MISSILE that will head straight at you, then change direction, then disappear into space, leaving a glowing plume of vapor trail, it's just an experimental way of launching a satalite" BEFORE,

BEFORE

and not

AFTER

the fact.




It was a bit scary.

Happiness is ................

................ green tea with lemongrass.

................ Dufel saying he's dropping by for lunch.

................ Freakishly Tall Engineer promising that if I bring Dufel back to his office, he'll play us a song on his upright bass.

So Then David Said...........

........... "Being vague is great, it means I'm right more often."

Happiness is ............

............. one peanut butter flavored granola bar.

............. one container of key lime light yogurt.

............. one banana.

.............. one grateful heart, glad to live in a place where what I eat is dictated strictly by my wants, because everything is available to me.

Awwwwww

Thank you, nice man in the minivan that tried to flirt with me on the freeway. No, sorry, I couldn't read the note you held up a 70 mph, and I couldn't read your lips very well either, but your pantamime and the enthusiaism (which almost ran you, me and a man in a Passat off the road) was oh so flattering.

I think you're beautiful too, in a different way perhaps, but with no less feeling.

Another Actual Conversation

Ma Homie in Marketing - *showing lobby to French Executive* "So you can see the new paint and carpet, and the new plasma screen will be right there behind [Valancy Jane] and then we will refinish these stair rails to match the mahogany on her desk."

French Executive - "Looks great, [Ma Homie in Marketing]. You can be my interior decorator."
*leaves the room*

Receptionist - "Oh, [Ma Homie], pleaseohpleaseohplease, can we take him up on that? Secretly? Just take off an afternoon and redecorate his house and let him come home and find it that way? Pleaseohpleaseohplease?"

Ma Homie in Marketing - *eyes light up, and evil grin slowly spreads across his face*

I Miss Ike

I wish he lived next door, and dropped over at all hours, to meet my dates when I went out, to steal food, to talk to about anything and everything, to sit around and drink chick beer with, to vlog me at my best and worst, to borrow quarters for the laundry machinces from, to kiss on the nose, to steal his jokes, to remind me of my good qualities when I've forgotten them, to take road trips with, to jump in the pool with late at night half-drunk for no reason, to drink red tea with on the balcony, to throw parties with, to tell me 'oh, honey, no' when I buy some hideous shirt, to run away to Bunny's with for dinner, to give me a hug when I really want a nice manly shoulder to cry on but don't want to make out with anyone, to be my 'make everyone jealous of my handsome date' date, to randomly take up painting with, to know me and my face and expressions and mannerism so well that twenty years from now when I fly to South Africa for his wedding with my nine children and step off the plane Ike will take one look at me and instantly say, "You're happy, I can tell."

Another Actual Conversation

Vendor - *sniffs, and tries to do 'buddy-buddy' act, hoping to meet with someone he does not have and appointment with* "Sheesh, you should get workman's comp for all these chemical fumes."

Receptionist - *does crazy eyes* "Actually, I like to think of them as an added bonus of working here." *takes deep breath and leans to the left a bit*

Vendor - *scared* "Oh. Ok."

Today's Take, or I'm A Corporate Whore

I've often thought of keeping actual count of all the stuff I get for free at my job. Everyone wants to woo me with gifts, and I CAN be bought.

Our execs thank me for doing odd tasks that aren't part of my job or department, usually with obscencely expensive sports tickets.

Companies that we partner with, their execs fly in with gifts for our execs and they don't want to take the leftovers home, and I'm their last stop before they head out. Plus they love to drape me and my desk in their logo for everyone to see.

Ma Homie in Marketing told me that if a print shop hasn't given me something nice, he doesn't want their flyer. He instructed me to tell them, "When you decide to get serious, bring me something pretty and come back."

Yesterday a vendor asked to speak with someone in purchasing, I told him flat out, "I need a new letter opener. Nothing plastic."

There are always leftover sandwiches and wraps after meetings, and cookies and chips and soda if I want them. All the coffee and tea I can want in the break room.

I have a petty cash allowance to buy candy for my desk.

I'll never want for t-shirts or jackets or hats for the rest of my life, thank you Marketing Dept.

Temp agencies send me fresh donuts or bagels or teddy bears or chocolate.

And my generous employers buy lunch for the company every other week or so.

Today's Take - one snowcone, one jar of jelly beans from a vendor, two tickets to the Asian Film Festival (unlimited open bar), cotton candy and a sandwich.
Oh, and cake.

Another Actual Conversation

Receptionist - *eating cotton candy* "Are my lips blue yet?"

Odd Engineer - "No."

Receptionist - "Oh." *disappointed*

Odd Engineer - "Do you want them to be?"

Receptionist - "Yes."

Odd Engineer - *looks as if he wants to ask, but reconsiders and walks away*

My Blog Can Make You Famous.

And my tagboard, Lenny, can fix a great gin martini, but more about the fame thing.

Ages ago, I wrote about an evening at Crossroads coffeeshop, when we heard a young kid play the electric guitar. Read it here.

A woman at HBO emailed me today, telling me that she read it and can I help her track that kid down for a documentary on child musicians she's doing?

The coffee shop is now closed, so I checked with David who can get in touch with the former owners who can get in touch with the kid and his parents.

I've never met this kid, but I think I deserve an agents cut.

Another Actual IM Conversation

David says:
have you ever considered getting a super heroine costume?

Valancy Jane says:
Yes.
*giggle*

David says:
what super power would you have?

Valancy Jane says:
Magically routing calls, faster than a speeding bullet, keeping secrets, lying, speaking to three people at once.

David says:
you already do that

Valancy Jane says:
True.

David says:
how about...
Tea on call.

Valancy Jane says:
I have that.

David says:
all you have to do is think of what kind you want and, poof it appears
no more heating water

Valancy Jane says:
I have an electric tea kettle that heats water in fifteen seconds.
And a drawer full of teabags.

David says:
whoa

Valancy Jane says:
I am UBER-RECEPTIONIST.

'Rezzie

I wonder what other people see when they look at this picture. I see -

• The keeper of all my secrets.
• My sister in at least 14 previous lives.
• An opinion I care very much about, which for me is saying something.
• A giggle, personified.
• An amazing writer.
• A co-writer on our novel.
• Someone I would loan my earrings to.
• A truly honest person.
• A woman I've never met, that I'm mailing a copy of my housekey to, so she can come visit me anytime, without warning.
• One of my best friends.
  

The Dating Pool I'm Swimming In

Real ads, real men, looking for love, in my city.

Looking for a "Friend with Benefits", benefits for both

Jealous Prick seeks Cheating Whore - 30

CAN I MARRY YOU - 24

Fly with me to Las Vegas! - 29

A NAKED WAITER - 51

Dom Seeking His Sub Soulmate/Wife

Mathematician seeks similar - 31

Ready to move to Mexico???!!! - 56

lover on bell curve seeks deviant - 29

Let's Drink Together




That's just a random sampling, I didn't have to look far to find these men.

Another Actual Conversation

Owner - "Ok, now that we're all outside the building for this fire drill, go stand in groups of your department and let your manager make sure you're all here."

*general milling about*

Owner - "Ok, sales department. You guys missing anyone?"

Several people at once - "Yes. Our manager."

Receptionist - "You shouldn't have warned him about this fire drill, he left for the afternoon."

Owner - "Oh. Well. Anyone else?"

*everyone shrugs*

Receptionist - "We're down two salesguys. If there were a real emergency, they'd be dead by now. When you guys figure out a system that actually works, I'll be at my desk. Oh, and the new system should probably include having alarm bells on the second floor of the building. Just a thought, and you can quote me. Peace."

Another Actual IM Conversation

Valancy Jane says:
Oh sweet holy mother.

Thérèse says:
What?
Now what???!?!? *gets stressed*

Valancy Jane says:
I knew Weird Girl in Accounting (married) had a crush on Quiet Guy in Supply Chain (also married) but this has gotten way out of hand.
It was nice of her to plan him a baby shower for his new son.

Thérèse says:
Are you saying that WGIA and QGISC are...

Valancy Jane says:
It was VERY nice of her to track down EVERYONE in the company to sign the card.
It was pushing it when she asked for donations to buy things for the baby.

Thérèse says:
Are you saying that WGIA is just really, really...

Valancy Jane says:
(He knows none of this, mind you.)
It was extreme when she (without even consulting QGISC's wife) went out and bought basically everything the baby needs, presumably out of her own pocket because as far as I know, no one gave her money because everyone prefered to buy him a gift themselves.
And it's just plain silly that she got caught in the doorway of the lobby because she bought so many ballons and a cake and stood there, stuck and demanded that I come untangle her.
Mind you, GQISC doesn't know any of this, nor will he appreciate it, I'm guessing.

Thérèse says:
Woa.
She's out of her tree.
Either that or she wishes it was her baby.

Valancy Jane says:
Really. When I say she WEIRD, I really do mean WEIRD.

Thérèse says:
Jeez louise.

Valancy Jane says:
*giggle*
I have the most horrible urge to go in the conference room and remove all the decorations and the cake and when she comes down to fuss over them again, I'll pretend to have no idea what she's talking about. "Ballons? What ballons?"

Thérèse says:
Ok, so right now I am the little devil on your shoudler saying...
DO IT
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT
Who will know???
Hee hee hee hee hee.

Valancy Jane says:
*giggle*
I could release them. This sad sick little party should not be their destiny.

Thérèse says:
Do it.
Have you done it already?

Valancy Jane says:
No.
I can't do it to her.
She's sad and lonely and it drives everyone nuts but my pity wins out.

Another Actual IM Conversation

Thérèse says:
I read the dumbest story yesterday, but it reminded me of you.

Valancy Jane says:
Uhm, thanks?

Thérèse says:
I was reminded of you because the main character was like you in many ways. She was beyond cool.

Valancy Jane says:
Oh. Thanks!

Thérèse says:
The reason it was a dumb story is that in it, a 3 and a half year old is so articulate she knows words like "melancholy." And how to use them.
I don't have a 3 and a half year old in my current entourage, but I got really annoyed that she was *that* articulate.

Valancy Jane says:
Good call.
Did I remind you of the three and a half year old?

Thérèse says:
Hee hee hee.
A little.
But really, the main character reminded me of you.

Valancy Jane says:
Tell me about her.
Or him.
Or it.
Or them.

A Lost Leonardo Da Vinci?

Read about it here.

I hope that it doesn't take establishing it was painted by a famous name for people to appreciate how beautiful it is.

Another Actual Conversation

Kind and Lovely Boss - "So, believe it or not, we have a fire drill this afternoon. So when you hear the bell, just head out the main door and circle around to the basketball courts out back."
*pause*
"You look confused."

Receptionist - "Did I fall asleep at lunch and wake up in the third grade?"

Kind and Lovely Boss - "Now, see, I said that to the building management but they got mad at me."

Receptionist - "Just so long as they don't have the fire drill during craft time or recess, it's fine with me."

Another Actual Conversation

Coco - "So I tripped over a curb last night and I've been in the hospital all day, waiting for x-ray results. Turns out it's not broken, it's just a really bad sprain, but it hurts."

VJ - "Oh, my poor Coco Bean! Did they at least give you a sticker?"

Coco - "No, but they gave me a flu shot and a Snoopy bandaid."

VJ - "Poor Coco Bean, I guess that's SORTA like a sticker, except not really."

Coco - "Yeah, not really."

A Walk On The Beach On A Cloudy Day With Bunny, It's Good For The Soul

After work, we set out to La Jolla and walked up the beach and laughed and girl-chatted and giggled and talked about boys and oogled a man changing into a wetsuit and swung around for a second look and talked about money and what we want out of life and boys again and laughed and drove home.

Every girl needs a Bunny, and I HAVE one.
*deep sigh*
And every girl needs a scramble over sea-smoothed rocks in her bare feet and salty wind in her hair, every now and then.

Oh and this girl did it too, in the same place, and she took pictures on a day just like yesterday, if you wanna see what it looked like. God bless google images.

So Then I Said ............

............. "Nudity is always a great look, sort of a classic, really."

Striking Back

Earlier today, I posted this on the lost and found section of craigslist.com.

"Lost - Sense of Humor about this Remodel
Yesterday's migraine is back, and one of the workman is taking a sledgehammer to a pick of metal for no reason that I can determine. He's supposed to be laying carpet. Admittedly I don't know much about carpet, but I'm not sure that what he's doing is helping with the 'finish and get out' process we're paying for. It feels like he's pounding on the back of my eyeballs with that hammer. I would ask him to stop, if I trusted myself not to make references to his mother. Someone, please, bring me a drink and tell me I've won some free trip, leaving right now. Please? "

Thanks to Coworker, She of the Lovely Curls, I've found it again.

Everytime the crazy workman swung the hammer at the piece of metal, she'd say "Owwwwww," perfectly timed with his hit.
He'd stop, look around, look at the metal, shake his head and swing again.
After about five minutes of this, he stopped altogether and went back to laying carpet.

In Times Like These ............

............. we all have to find a way to use our God-given strenghts and talents, to help.

I have found mine.

Another Actual IM Conversation

Valancy Jane says:
Life is short. Marry a good kisser.

Therese says:
Life is short. Buy the shoes.

Jonny says:
Life is shoes. Buy the shorts.

Reason I Should Carry A Camera # 1,927,557

I saw a kid riding to school, backpack and all, on a unicycle. I wanted to stop and tell him he was awesome, but he seemed kinda tippy and I didn't want to distract him.

Happiness is ...........

.......... a cup of mint tea and a Lovely and Kind Boss that tells you that you can leave early because of the remodel chaos.

Knowing My Key Demographic

AKA, Actual searches that have led people here.

From The "Sorry, I Can't Help You With That" File -

Gloria Estevan's "favorite book"

hollaback defination

"i do not love you as if you were salt" in spanish

writing pen shaped as lipstick



From The "I Really Hope This Exists" File -

veaj valley school

undress "please don't fire me" bra

jonny lighting monoply



From The "I CAN Help You With This" File -

what does it mean when my beta fish is blowing bubbles - It means he's sprucing up the place, preparing for children. Figure he has a date coming over.

pastie duluth - Duluth (if you mean the one in MN) only has one diner. And I know for a fact that they serve pasties.



From The "This Is What Happens When You Have The Word Greetings In Your Blog Title" File -

idea greetings on the phone

lets make love greetings

mean greetings

silly phone greetings

supportive greetings to a reunion



From The I Don't Want To Know File -

xena gabriella "hot tub"

gleek saliva





Weird people, welcome.

For No Reason, Just To Cheer Myself Up, With The Added Bonus Of Making Lou Laugh........

I Miss My Best Friend.

I had prepared myself for the pain of ...........
.......... losing my boyfriend....................... but not for the pain of ..........
.............feeling like strangers when we met on Sat.

Bunny Once Told Me .......

......... that given a choice between an eternity in hell or living in a house during a remodel, she'd pick hell.

They are remodeling the lobby and I'm a good sport, really. I didn't think it would be so bad. The painters, well that wasn't fun, being draped in a plastic sheet, but I went with it.

Really. I'm not a whiner. I've been more than reasonable.
I've explained away the noise to callers, the mess to visitors.
I have ducked, sat on the wrong side of my desk, held sign parts.

Really, I've been patient and understanding.
I sat all last week in a painfully hot and closed up lobby full of paint fumes.

When I noticed that the "taupe" paint looked pink, I didn't say anything and told the employee that chose it, "It looks great."

I've suffered paint in my hair, nauseating fumes, and dust and noise and disorder.

But really, today I put my foot down.

NO. I will not stand up in the lobby to greet visitors, holding my three foot long phone in my arms, while answering it, all day, so that they can move my desk to rip up the carpet under my feet and lay new carpet. Where my desk goes, I go. And outside the front door, sitting on a bench, no, not an option. No, I will not sit on a stair all day, no, I will not walk back and forth between a conference room to answer phones and the lobby to check for visitors.

If this is not understood, you know what I WILL do?

I will use all my sick days and paid time off and come back when this remodel is done.
Don't tempt me, people.

Another Actual IM Conversation

Valancy Jane says:
Ok, which one, guys? Irish Cream, French Vanilla or Swiss Chocolate Almond?

*long pause*







Jonny says:
All three at once?

Valancy Jane says:
Ok, I'll simplify. Irish, French or Swiss?

*immediate response*

Therese says:
Swiss.

Jonny says:
Swiss.

Valancy Jane says:
See how much simpler life is when you racially stereotype?

So Then I Said ............

............. *giggle* "No more, *giggle* no more lion movies for you, David."

Happiness is ............

............. the handsome and charming Evan adding 87 double rubber bracelet thingies to my stockpile.

*evil laughter*

I am INVINCIBLE.

Maybe You Have To Know Bunny For This To Be Funny....

........... so I'll try to explain. Bunny has had a very adventurous life, as have I, but in very different ways. To illustrate, this is a story she told me this week.

Bunny - "So on Tuesday, I was in the area, running errands, and decided to go hang gliding off the cliffs in La Jolla. We crash landed on a NUDE BEACH!"

See, I find everything in that story, other than the nude beach, shocking. Hang gliding on a whim, crash landing!?!?

Another Actual Conversation

Lou - *answers phone* "Hello?"

VJ - "So I'm driving down the freeway, going like 70, 75, and -"

Lou - "Oh gosh, what happened? Why are you calling me, you know I can't drive yet, I can't pick you up."

VJ - "No, so I'm driving past this SUV -"

Lou - "I hope this isn't your one phone call, 'cause I don't have enough cash on me to bail you out."

VJ - "No, this is a funny story, just listen. So I'm driving like 70, 75, which is really a fast speed to be hanging your upper body out the passenger side window. Which this teenage boy in a SUV was. He gave me the hang ten hand sign, I did the rock on one and then I realized. IT WAS CHRIS.


I love my kidlets.

So It's A Bad Sign.......

........ about your commute when you actually get some reading done on it.

Yeah, I polished off a glamor magazine this morning on the freeway. It was stopped dead for minutes at a time, it was either read, get out and stretch, or go crazy.

Distractions of the Day

My new profile is 'pending administrative approval' at www.animalattraction.com

And I created these here.

Tried And Tested Way To Freak People Out.

Walk out of a bathroom stall with a glass of lemonade in hand.

You Can't Help Everyone .........

.......... but what do you do when they knock on your door?

Ok, I'm not going to get into the issue of abortion here, but I will tell you part of my personal philosophy is that if you tell a woman not to have an abortion, you are assuming responsibility for that child.

I have a neighbor, I'll call her V. She's the mother of Tilly, the worlds cutest redhaired two year old. She knocked on my door the other night and burst into tears. Her boyfriend is leaving her, she just found out she's pregnant. She ran down her options.

She knows she could find wonderful adoptive parents. That's what she'd planned to do with Tilly, and she discovered that there are so many couples waiting for a caucasican infant that she could have her pick of adoptive parents, she didn't have to worry about her baby's future. But when it came right down to it, she said she just couldn't do it, she couldn't give Tilly away, and she says she's sure the same thing will happen if she carries this baby to term. What can I say to that, I've never been in her shoes, I can't imagine how hard that decision would be.

And she knows she can't afford to raise another child. She manages to raise Tilly on a fast food worker salary only because it's supplemented by a lot of friends and family and she can't increase the burden on them.

She really doesn't want to have an abortion.

The way I figure it, it's an issue of money. Isn't that horrible? A small human life vs money? V's a GREAT mother. The world could use more kids raised by kind and loving mothers.

I make decent money. And of course I'd be willing to spend it on such a important cause. But here's the thing. Say something in my financial situation changes. Say I can't afford to keep this baby in diapers anymore. I'm not the one that suffers. V, Tilly and the new baby are the ones that suffer. So it's so easy for me to say, "Have the baby, I'll help you." I'm not taking a chance here.

Well, I know what I need to do. I have to make sure V's taken care of. I could start by helping her get a better job. I have to find other people willing to help her.

My church would be a good place to start. Maybe thats what I need to learn from this. I need to go out and ask. Practice what I preach, 'cause like I said, people LIKE to help a worthy cause.

I'm Advertisizing Again.

Finally, something on a church marquee that's worth reading.

Another Actual Conversation

Youth Leader - "What if someone could take an ex-ray of your brain, not of your physical brain, but of your thoughts? What would that look like? Write down your answers please."

VJ - *writes 'a circus of llama's'*

Youth Leader - "Now think about what you'd LIKE it to look like. Write down your answers in your book."

VJ - *writes 'see above'*

Letter to Nick

Nick, how did you know just what to say to cheer me up, and time it so perfectly?

And anything you say just means that much more to me because you're my patron blogging saint.

I stumbled on your blog when I was setting up a blog for myself, as a way to kill time. I had no idea if I was ever going to post to it or log in ever again. I clicked on Breakfast at Tiffanys on my list of favorite movies and it showed me a list of everyone that had listed that as a favorite movie and somehow I ended up on your blog.

It was the first time I realized how real someone could be on the internet. That you could get to know someone online, and that there were people out there worth knowing.

I went back and read your blog from the begining, you know. I had a RAGING blush on it, and checked it obsessively.

And I never stopped.

Just when I thought I couldn't rank any higher in your fan club, you go and send me the kindest words.
No Nick, YOUR outlook is brilliant and YOU are something special and I'M lucky to have a glimpse into the warmest, purest and kindest soul I can imagine existing.

I had the strangest dream about you once, Nick.
It started out scary.
I dreamed that I was in the witness protection program (totally what I get for staying up reading mystery novels) and I ended up in Michigan and I met you and I knew who you were, but you didn't know who I was and I always smiled on the inside because I'd had a sneak peak into you that you never knew I'd had, and we drifted into this easy friendship, camping buddies, neighbors that popped over at any hour, with ice cream and a movie.
And then I woke up and leisurely stretched, and smiled.

And despite the fact of the internet being our only connection, I think of us as friends like that.

Email I Hope She Doesn't Send

Dear VJ's boss,
VJ is such a great receptionist. Please give her a raise.
Yours Truly,
Someone She Chats Online With All Day Long

Another Actual Phone Conversation

VJ - "So David, you should swing by my girls movie night for a bit, meet the gals. *giggles, aside to Coco* You are so NOT in the kitchen. *back to David* You wanna come by?"

David - "I have a feeling I won't understand anything you girls are saying."

VJ - "What? Sure you wi -
*aside to Lou*
David, no, he's being sorta like a German Shepard at the Border, you know. I could poke him, then he'd blow up. Salsa! Salsa! Tire! ZezZee, do the JiffyPop! Do the Jiffy Pop! Do the Jiffy Pop! Do the Jiffy Pop! POP!!!! What Lola? I can't read your lips. You don't want to say it aloud? Text it to me. OOOOOOOOOH, really? Devin, you can't have Coco. Coco, you ARE in the kitchen now. Shabam! Shabam! And cut!!!!
*loud giggles all around the room, then back to David*
What were you saying?"

David - "Yeah ..............."

The Commute

What my ride home looks like.

So Then I Said ..............

........ "I can only think of about 3 things I'd rather do than wrap presents. Wrapping presents is ART."

Ok, Somebody, 'Fess Up.

Somebody is behind this, I know it.

And by 'this,' I mean how many people have hit on me in the last two weeks.

Someone is orchestrating this, to boost my ego or something.

There is simply no way that this many people have been nursing a crush.
I mean, come on, people. I was never THAT good looking. I clean up well, and have an ass to die for, but really. I'm not stunning. And I'm definatly not looking my best these days, I'm busy and tired and stressed.

Someone is telling everyone, "Go hit on VJ, make her feel good, she's not one for rebound flings, so you're safe."

So thanks, but I'm on to y'all. I feel so loved and flattered that y'all would do that to cheer me up. Don't worry, I won't ruin it by taking it seriously.

Something Left Unsaid.

JR came by on Saturday and picked up his things. I cried. My heart broke.

Just because I think breaking up is the right thing, doesn't make it easy.

And now that everything is divided up and cds returned and plans made to switch our joint phone plan to separate ones, I still feel like there is something left to say.



Thank you, JR.

Thank you for two years of nice memories.

Thanks for the back massages.

Thank you for all the financial advice/help.

Thank you for being a good listener.

Thanks for meeting me in that coffee shop, the first time.

Thank you for letting me play with your puppy and your bunnies.

Thanks for all the flowers.

Thanks for helping me dye my hair, getting the tricky part in the back of my neck.

Thanks for all the times you packed my lunch.

Thanks for never once forgetting an anniversary.

Thanks for all the cards and notes and poems and most of all, the love letters. I'll save them all, and re-read them when I need a lift.

Thanks for wiping tears and remembering when bills were due and for loving me. For two years, I never felt alone, I always knew I had a hug and a shoulder and someone to love me.

For two years someone loved me utterly, and if you think I'm not going to miss that, you're crazy.

I am a far better person for having known and been with you. I hope you can say the same about me, because I gave us my best.

The Only Thing Worse .........

.......... than throwing up? Throwing up in a park bathroom. *shudders*

Throwing up in a park bathroom while little girls come through saying, "Ew, sounds like someone's puking in there" while's you're concentrating on maintaining the precarious balance you've achieved, which is hard because it's not like I wanna touch ANY SURFACE in that stall.

Throwing up in a park bathroom, amid a chorus of "Ewwws," while trying to hold your balance through the heaving, while missing Peter's 11th birthday party, and having to be driven home in your oh-so-attractive state by David, crossing your fingers that you would make it home before you puked again.

Warning.

I have Lou for the week, while her mother is at a conference.

Lou and I. Unsupervised. 'Til friday.

Pranks will happen, people.

Another Actual Conversation

SalesGuy - "Hey, you're back. Feelin' better?"

Receptionist - "Yeah, I feel better than yesterday, but frankly, having my foot cut off with a pair of rusty gardening shears would feel better than yesterday. So yes. I feel better."

So Then Lou Said ...............

............... "Never trust a drunk man with three beards."

Liz

It was the phone call this morning that got me thinking, really. This is rambling, and it might not make sense, I'm just warning you now.

Bunny called me just as I was waking up. I was getting up, she knew that, no biggie. I wouldn't have her do any differently, just because oddly timed phone calls freak the shit out of me. If you call me in the night (exceptions for people in other time zones, double exceptions for 'Rez who just likes to surprise people), an adrenelin rush hits me and I tend to answer the phone with "Whathospital?Who?Aliveordead?WhatcanIdo?" which tends to freak out the person that called, who was probably just thinking that it was a good time to catch me, which it probably in fact was. By the time you've explained that it's just a social call, if I'm not in my car driving to the nearest hospital/morgue/drugstore, I'm at least standing at my front door, tugging on comfy shoes, keys in hand.
Yeah, I over-react. Just a smidge.

I used to think I was the only person like this. The only person that knows how out of the blue THOSE CALLS can come and deliver your worst nightmare before you're really even awake. I wonder if that fear ever really leaves you. That feeling that its just a matter of time before the next phone call comes and shatters your world again. That knowledge that the ax CAN and WILL fall.

I had to tell someone once about a death of a member of their family and as soon as she heard the words, "I need to talk to you," she KNEW what was up. She'd been down that road and I think it changes you forever, once you realize how easily you can lose someone.

I've lost a lot of dear people in my life, probably more than the average girl my age. A grandfather, two of my favorite cousins, and the most painful of all, my two best friends in high school. I've posted the backstory about Roger, here and about Liz here. (Mom, these links and this post are those posts you'll get all upset about. I don't feel like censoring myself, and I don't feel like getting another guilt-trip email from you because you don't like my version of what happened, so do us both a favor and just don't read these links, ok? Can you do that much for me? I care enough about you to not like it when you're upset, but I'm not going to sugarcoat the reality of some bad choices you and Dad made. It's the internet, you can do whatever you want, read it, but don't say I didn't warn you.)

Anyway, so I was thinking about how in some ways, getting that phone call about Liz's death was worse. I KNEW how much it was going to hurt. I KNEW what it was going to be like at her funeral. I KNEW the pain wasn't going to go away for a long time. I KNEW the road ahead, and I KNEW I wasn't up to it, not again.

I remember being so silent for days. Then in the parking lot after her funeral, I screamed. Screamed for about ten minutes straight. Scared the crap out of all of my friends except Lissy. She had the guts to avoid my blindly flailling arms and grab me tightly around the waist and hang on in a bear hug while I screamed like a madwoman.

It had been drilled into me that you were less attractive when you were hurting. You could have a few bad days but you could never push it, never show how much you were really hurting because everyone would turn and run. The only two people that had loved me for who I was were in the ground. The two people I couldn't survive without, were the losses I was mourning. So I thought.

As Lissy hugged me, I remember feeling so surprised that someone would still want to be my friend in that moment. That she would love me while I was crying and screaming and tears and snot were streaming down my face. I didn't have to hide, I could be loved for the hurting little girl I was. I stopped screaming. I laid my head on her shoulder. I felt the first glimpse of hope, and I KNEW I would make it through.

Evan Has One.

And now I must have one.

MUST.

So Then I Said .............

............ "Lets, in this life or another, go see a show of his(Seth Horan) together. Lets try for this life, because he might be a tree in the next life, and less musical."

Another Tried and Tested Way to Creep People Out.

Step One - Offer a friend a mint from a tin.

Step Two - Let friend select mint, wait until they've almost brought the mint to their mouth.

Step Three - Suddenly yell, "Wait! Stop!"

Step Four - Sheepishly take the mint away and say, "That one isn't a mint."

She's as fine as dandylion, blowing in the wind.......

............. she's not thinking, she's listening.

I'll Skip The Story And Jump Right To The Moral

Slim old cowboys named Pete and Clint, that claim to have had to many beers to really play well and just want to take a break from dancing with the pretty ladies but wouldn't mind a friendly game of pool .................... yeah, they've probably never lost a game in their lives and certainly don't intend to start with you, not that that should stop you from playing with them. By all means, play, put up a fight, learn a trick or two, make one good shot, then surrender to the inevitable.
If you're classier than I thought to be, you'll ask Pete to dance after you graciously lose.


I guess I sorta told the story there too, didn't I?

This Morning ................

........... I listened to christmas music all the way to work. For no particular reason.

Another Actual IM Conversation

*out of the blue*

'Rez says - "Um, Veaj?"

VJ says - "Yes?"

'Rez says - "Do you think in an alternate universe, you and I and Jonny are all walruses, and always together?"

VJ says - "Yes. Of course. As you told me, I just knew in my heart its true."

'Rez says - "Thanks, I just wanted confirmation."

Another Actual Conversation

Assembly Manager - *talking to other manager, walking through the lobby* "......... so the whole situation is silly, it's like, come on people, Jesus Christ-"

Receptionist - *perks up suddenly, looks around* "Jesus? Where?!?"

Anything For My Chica, Crass Personality

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1.) Spend a month living with the Amish. Just to see if I can do it.
2.) Climb something I'm not supposed to climb, like the Sphinx or Brent Hyden's parents' house.
3.) See what the stars look like from each continent.
4.) Adopt a child
5.) Start a charity
6.) Host Sat. Night Live
7.) Have a garden of only white flowers

Things I Can Do
1.) Sew. Like, really. I can make you a quilt, a shirt, a costume, a teddy bear, curtains, you name it.
2.) Memorize really long passages of books, scripts, speeches, movie dialong.
3.) Carry on a rational discussion while crying.
4.) Convince you I'm awake. Convincingly, articulately, while moving, talking, and in one case, eating. While completely out, dead to the world, asleep.
5.) Like Crass, I can KISS. You think you can kiss? Bring it. We'll have a kiss-off. Or, I'll just provide references.
6.) Wrap presents and tie awesome bows.
7.) Know when you're hurting or upset.

Things I Cannot Do
1.) Jump rope.
2.) Blow a bubble in gum.
3.) Give up coffee.
4.) Remember what day of the month my phone bill is due.
5.) Remember whether my mother's birthday is Feb 26th or Feb 28th. (Yes, I'm terrible)
6.) Pronounce french words, to save my life.
7.) Pretend to care about Paris Hilton.

Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex
1.) Individuality
2.) Intelligence
3.) Kindness
4.) Creativity
5.) Comfort in own skin
6.) Humor
7.) Concern for others

Seven Things I Say Most Often
1.) What do I know, I'm only 24.
2.) I like you. Lets be friends.
3.) Be the change you wish to see in the world.
4.) Ok, just breathe. (to myself)
5.) This too, good or bad, shall pass.
6.) Stop. This moment, drink it in.
7.) Shut up and listen. (to myself)

Celebrity Crushes
Hmmmm. I don't think I could think of seven celebrities. I mean, I find some of them attractive, but I have no idea if I'd like them at all in person. I used to think Heath Ledger would be the coolest fun person to hang around. I mean, that's GORGEOUS man and doesn't he just seem like you could totally just hang around and drink beer with him and joke around and put your feet on his coffee table and laugh? Totally crushable, right? But JR used to hang out with him a lot when Heath was dating JR's friend and no one could stand him and his attitude. And if you can't trust Heath Ledger's laid back act, who on earth's can you?
I'm too disullusioned to answer this.

Seven Bloggers I Want To Do This
'Rezziekins
Jonny, just because he'd manage to interpret all the questions oddly.
David. I know, he doesn't have a blog, but he should.
ZezZee
Col
Sara
Prudence

Happiness is ............

............ knowing that all the weird characters that appear on my tagboard, yeah, believe it or not, they're not all me. Other people actually participate in the puppet show of my insanity. You people have no idea how happy you make me.

Why I'm Late To Work

Well, see it started when I got on the freeway. Traffic was crawling along and after a few miles I saw why. Everyone was slowed down to read the Amber Alert signs. '92 Nissan Sentra, dark grey, CA plates 2XNL159.
Say what you want about our disaster preparedness in terms of Katrina, but at least we have our child abduction alerts done right. I'd lay money on that car being found by noon.

So anyway, that slowdown finally eased up, but then it absolutely jammed up, all the freeways around the Qualcomm stadium came to almost a standstill. Why?

All the radio stations in town are in the parking lot, accepting donations for the hurricane victims. Apparently it's a raging sucess, if the fact that I could have easily walked faster then my car was driving.

So I'm late to work because people DO care. Most of us have a lot on our plates and aren't particularly imaginative when it comes to thinking of ways to help, but lay a solution, a means to give in our lap and we come through.

So no, people aren't basically good. We're each just a mix of good, bad and indifferent, collectively and personally. But most people WANT to do right.
Put this to the test.
Rather than bemoan what hasn't been done for the hurricane survivors, go ask people in your office or neighborhood or school for donations.
Organize something.
Ask.

People just might surprise you.
They might turn out in record numbers.
They might make everyone late to work.
They might make a difference, which is all the difference in the world.

Happiness is ...........

............ being told to pull over at a mall for a surprise where David takes you to a pet shop and tells you to pick a puppy to borrow for an hour.

Yes. He borrowed a puppy for us to play with.

Does that man know me or what?

Today I Wish I Could...........

........... go in and utterly Container Store/Ikea - ize Nick's room in really good colors, making him feel uber-prepared and organized for this school year, and maybe just a tad excited, because he's kind and thoughtful and deserves a happy, fufilling year.

........... pause the world, lay down, take a good long nap and wake up at exactly the same time I fell asleep so that I wouldn't miss anything but would feel better prepared to deal with everything.

.......... leave work and lay on the beach with the book I've been reading, Valley of the Dolls. Get toasty warm, get toasty tan, drink a toast to solitude.

.......... wander the streets of the gaslamp district downtown, while listening to Si Tu N'Etais Pas La', and picturing it as it must of looked in 1900, for no particular reason.

........... pack for a trip.

........... sing to a big old empy theater.

........... sign up for that moonlit kayaking in the bay class Bunny mentioned.

........... drive down the coast of mexico with David, go horseback riding on the beach at sunset, then gorge ourselves on fresh fish.

........... curl up in a cozy armchair and read Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis.

.......... do all my christmas shopping, and then wrap them all.

.......... spread out all my sewing materials and finish all the little projects I've wanted to finish around my apartment.

.......... stand under a tree that's losing it's leaves and twirl around in them.

......... be ten years old again and spead the afternoon on the swings with Bug, singing country songs.

......... take a quick shower in coffee.

......... dance ballet, the way I used to be able, when I had the body trained to do it.

......... run for a mile, then leisurely stroll back.

......... invest large sums of money into good businesses that deserve to suceed, or that simply make me happy, or are run by friends.

......... wear jasmine scented lotion. Ok, actually I am already. Sometimes wishes come true and are as good as you wished. *takes deep breath*

......... take off and go to the Grand Canyon and ride burros down and camp for a few days someplace without too many people.

.......... spend the afternoon around the pool with 'Rez, doing girl chat.

......... go to OB with Lou and Coco and clothes shop.

......... wander around a big old empty house.

......... sit on a front porch with a view of a lake and get a smidge tipsy off mint juleps.

......... buy oodles of silver jewelry in Old Town Alburquerque, then give it all away as presents to people that wouldn't expect a present from me, like that one adorable executive assitant that is ALWAYS so kind and chiper and ALWAYS leaves me smiling.

......... arrange cut flowers all afternoon.

......... sing in spanish.

......... cook dinner for all the friends I haven't been as nice to as I could/should have been.

......... cook dinner for all the friends that have been nicer to me than they had to be.

......... paint my living room a soft creamy-yellow-tan.

......... take in all the people who lost their homes in the hurricane, fussing over each one, making sure they know where the clean towels are kept and telling them to feel free to stay until their new home was ready.

......... plan a christmas party. Maybe I will.

......... memorize a script.

......... garden with Bunny for a while, in my big gardening hat.

Another Actual Conversation

VJ - "So Tom said Christopher and Kathy's new apartment was the second floor, far southwest corner?"

David - "Yeah."

VJ - "So that would be that unit, right?"

David - "I think so.............."

VJ - *spots neighbor on balcony* "Excuse me sir, do you know if someone just moved into that unit?"

Neighbor - *mumbles something incoherent*

VJ and David - *realize that Neighbor is VERY high on something, and possibly also drunk*

David - *knocks on C&K's apartment door*

Neighbor - *looking at David and reaching into his apartment* "You into skateboarding?" *holds out (I kid you not) half a skateboard, broken across the middle*

VJ - *looking at David to avoid making eye contact with Neighbor, really glad David is there*

David "No."

Neighbor - *holds half of skateboard out* "Any interest?"

David - "No."

Neighbor - "Any intests at all?"

VJ - *worries that Neighbor is dangerous, still looking at David, letting him handle Neighbor*

David *non-commital, calming tone* "Yeah. Some."

Neighbor - "Are they light or darkness?"

David *thinks for a sec, obviously doesn't want to set this lunatic off, not sure what sort of answer he's looking for* "Well, they're hard to classify."

David and VJ - *trade glances, realize that C&K aren't home and decide to leave*

Neighbor - *looks down at skateboard, seemingly just realizes that only half of it is there* " Oh, man. This is MESSED UP."

David and VJ - *catch each other's eye and silently nod*

Happiness is ............

........... when you get your electric bill, the one for the hottest month of the year, the one that should be really high and you cringe and look at what you owe and it says that due to some glitch you've been overpaying for the past couple months and not only do you not owe them ANYTHING this month, but they still owe you $6.43.

........... when a complete stranger sees you waiting in a long line for the ladies room at the Coldplay concert and pulls you, JUST YOU, out of the very long line and tells you that the line for the other ladies room is MUCH shorter and then offers to show you where it is and takes you there and then disapears before you can thank that BEAUTIFUL and LOVELY man. Really, since when do men understand how horrid it is to have to wait FOR-FRICKIN'-EVER to sit on a scary toilet seat? And since when do men go out of their way for a woman without expecting at least a chance to flirt?
Lovely Man, you are a saint and I love you and I was inspired by you and after peeing, I paid the favor on and on the way back to my seat, I told a woman at the end of the long line about the short line.

The Internet, Making Odd People Feel Less Alone.

Lets make advertising slogans for the internet today.

Submit yours, and the winner (as determined by me, but easily swayed by popular vote) will recieve a prize.

Ok, so we all know either Jonny or 'Mook will probably win, but it's still fun to try, right?

Cookie Monster

Even cookies can be menacing when they're being pushed on you the minute you enter a grocery store.

I guess Albertsons overstocked chocolate cookies, because these people were HARDCORE PUSHING the cookies.

They were everywhere, on the end of every aisle, free sample tables with aggressive employees that informed you that you wanted one or two or six.

I'd kinda reached my fill of cookies by the time we got the checkout, (ironically without buying a single bag of cookies) but the cashier, she was the ultimate challenge in this guantlet.

"Have a cookie," she said, "Have one."

"No thanks."

*dead eyed stare* "If you don't like chocolate chip cookies, then you have no soul."

"Er, I like chocolate chip cookies and all, I just don't want any more."

"HAVE A COOKIE."

*eyes lock, a battle of wills*




"Ok," I said, and I ate another cookie.

So Then Jonny Said ............

......... "Of course, I do have standards really, but I can't take them seriously enough to actually live by them on a full time basis."

Bunny told me........

...... when I borrowed her mixer, that it was older than me, and therefore, should be respected.

She's right.

Not only is the best mixer, I ask him for advice all the time.

The mixer says, "Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrl" which I take to mean, "Spin. Dance. Breathe. Attack life with energy. Be self contained. Only work when asked. Food, prepared from scratch, is important. Know your power source. Licking is the best way to clean. Never be afraid to make a mess, flicking something all over the kitchen. Spin, dance, breathe some more. It's why you were made."

Another Actual Conversation

VJ - "Well, I could go on all night, with stories of my clumsiness."

Kathy - "I'm sure I could match you."

VJ - "I have SCARS from my clumsiness."

Kathy - "OTHER PEOPLE have scars from my clumsiness."

VJ - "You win."

Another Actual Conversation

*U2 plays "and I still haven't found what I'm looking for"*

VJ - "I listened to this song, over and over, on the drive to Alburquerque, when I was moving there. I LOVED it. Then, two years ago, I was back here, and heard a band called the Katinas play it, only they played it, 'and I finally found what I'm looking f0r" and I LOVED it. I think that's when I realized that happiness is found in you, and you build it yourself."

David - "Yeah, all the times I was happy, I was there. It seems to be the comman thread."

Another Actual Conversation

Receptionist - "Have a great long weekend!"

Ma Otha' Otha' Otha' Otha' Homie in Marketing - "Is that an order?"

Receptionist - "No. It's a .................. prediction!"



Happy Labor Day weekend, y'all!
Back on Tuesday!

So Then Owner With A Sense Of Humor Said .......

........... "Don't let me forget her when I leave," as he carried his infant daughter upstairs.

Soliciting your thoughts.........

Ok. So I got this email from a girl at work, lets call her [Christian Coworker].

I know she's a christian, but we don't know each other very well, and we never talk about anything personal. I think that's important background info on what's to follow. I like her, but we aren't close, we aren't lunch buddies or anything. She talks about her church quite a bit, I listen. This isn't the first time I've seen her pull a very knee-jerk, judgemental reaction, but I've been more concerned with loving her as my Christian sister than with saying anything, besides, who asked me?

Then she sent me this email today.

Hi [Valancy Jane],

Please don't get me wrong, but I am just trying to be my sister's keeper. It really hurts me every time I can see your cleavage (breast).

1 Timothy 2:11-12 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

Modest - Free from showiness or ostentation; unpretentious. Some synonyms of modest - bashful, blushing, humble, lowly, meek, proper, reserved...

Galatians 19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, 20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, 21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Lascivious - Given to or expressing lust.
Love, [Christian Coworker]



I know, right? Compares me to a hooker, out of 'love' for me. Yeah.............
I respond -

Dear Sister [Christian Coworker],

I prayed before I responded to this, and God and I honestly looked at this area of my life. Then I forwarded this email and my response to a very dear Christian friend, who happens to be a male, to get his take on it, in the context of knowing me.

I know you say this in love, and it in no way diminisses the love I have for you.

But when you say these things to me, it hurts me. In a matter such as this, everyone who see's the line between modesty and immodesty is going to see that line in a slightly different place. Of course this is not permission to walk around naked. Here's my standard. I have people in my life, amazing Godly people, that are my accountability partners. People that know me, and know my heart and my works and my relationship with God.

I hope you don't take offense when I say that I humbly take these people's word over yours, because it's simply a matter of them knowing me better.
And God and I decide together each morning what I wear, and my conscience is at rest.

A simple "check your mirror" or "you top is on the revealing side" would have been unsolicited advice still, but it would have been less hurtful.
I know where you are coming from, [Christian Coworker], but to send me verses comparing me to immoral woman simply because I think this is modest attire and you don't? Come on, [Christian Coworker]. That's unkind and low. You know better than to cause division between sisters in the Lord over something as petty as this. There are far better uses of our time. I could even suggest some better ways to serve me, if that's what you'd like to do. You could spend the time praying for the kids I work with at church. One of them is going through a rough time, I could give you prayer request details if you like. You could be a listening ear about my break-up with JR. The people that have done these things for me, those are the people I listen too. The people that have invested in my spiritual walk, and not just thrown criticism from the sideline.

I say, in the greatest love for you, that I asked God and my accountability partners' (one of whom was with me when I bought this dress) opinion, and not yours.

I listen to God first. If you're genuinely worried, pray to God and he'll deliver the message to me, I'm sure. We talk all the time. Like you and everyone of God's children, I can always use and welcome more prayer.

Thank you for the love expressed. I hope you understand where I am coming from.

I love you madly, Sister.
-[Valancy Jane]



Her response -

[Valancy Jane],

I don't want to argue with you because it is just not worth it and I AM really sorry if I hurt you. I still don't think that a man is the best source for an advice and will agree that God is. If I really wanted to get a human advice I would seek it from only two people: my husband and pastor, because pastors usually have a special vision that regular Christians don't have. See God doesn't want to us to be sexy; he wants us to be holy. I am not going to compare our spirituality and who has closer relationship with God, because competition is abomination to God. I will defiantly pray for you and I am sure the Lord will take care of the rest. I am sorry that you are breaking up with JR; I will pray regarding this too. I'll pray that God will you give you strength and wisdom, that he would open your eyes so you could see what He sees and to help you not to lean upon your own understanding but trust Him with all your heart. God IS the only one who knows what's best for us and I am confident that He has a special plan just for you J In addition, I'll be more than happy to pray for the kids in your church. Please do forward me the prayer request. Thx.

Love and God Bless,
[Christian Coworker]



I respond -

[Christian Coworker], I really don't feel this is an appropriate use of work email, and I have enough accountability partners in my personal life. As for the point of discussion, I couldn't agree more that it's just not worth it.
May God richly bless you.
I love you,
-[Valancy Jane]

Now, I began posting this with the idea that I wanted y'all to tell me whether or not I'm right. But somewhere along the line I realized all I wanted to hear was that she was wrong.

I briefly considered erasing this post.

Then I thought, this contains some opinions I feel strongly about. And y'all have listened to my thoughts about markers and websites and movie soundtracks, why not on something I feel strongly about?

Incidently, I think I deserve a medal for leaving such statements as "God doesn't want us to be sexy" *coughbullshitcough* and "pastors seem to have a special vision that regular christians don't have" alone.

I mean, COME ON.

[Christian Coworker] I'm sorry if the only men in your life you can trust are your husband and your wacky pastor who probably told you he has a 'special vision'.

I'm sorry this is how you feel called to spend your time.

I'm sorry that as long as you think this way, you will never have any positive effect on this world.
Truly sorry. Because I'm sure somewhere in your mixed up head, I do suspect you mean well. But .................




Oh and incidently, someone thought I was being trite and condesending by saying 'sister' and 'I love you' but I really didn't mean them in that way. I DO try to treat her as a sister and to love her. THATS what my faith is about. And I live it.