Monday, July 31, 2006
My Addictions ('Cause It's Fun To Copy Mlisso.)
Rolled tacos from the place on the corner.
The Internet.
Crack(ing my back).
Whatever song is my obsession of the day.
Wiggling my toes. I can't stand tight shoes.
Tucking my hair behind my ears.

Another Actual Conversation
Nick - "Dulce, what does a kitty say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Nick - "What does a birdie say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Nick - "What does a doggie say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Nick - "What does a chicken say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Nick - "What does a piggy say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Nick - "What does a horsey say?"

Dulce - "Meow."

Valancy Jane - *grins* "I love my home. So much."

My New Favorite Sport
Kycling. Kissing while riding a bike. Nick and I made it up this weekend. (Told you we had to get creative in ways to amuse ourselves for free.)

Surprisingly, there are no injuries to report, though I almost bit his cheek off in one miss.

I wonder if we could get a sponsor for this.

Christmas 1987
The cardboard box on the corner said 'Free.'
One of the VHS tapes in the box said 'Christmas 1987.'

So Nick and I were painfully broke this weekend (today is payday, yay!) so we had to be a bit creative in entertaining ourselves.

So we camped out on the living room floor (right in front of the AC unit) and watched someone else's Christmas memories.

But the funny part was that it was a slice of collective memory.
The teenage boy in the background, always on the phone, the awkward zoom-ins on someone's face, everyone not knowing whether to ham it up or cover their faces and slide out of the shot, the uncle sleeping on the couch, the grandma in the kitchen, grandpa telling telling the aunt her new skis would need bindings, the youngest aunt introducing her new fiancee, everyone waving to the camera because it was going to be sent to 'Ricky' who couldn't be there, wasn't that Christmas 1987 for everyone?

Another Actual IM Conversation
Valancy Jane says:
I should just get a dog, bring it here to the office, and claim to have no idea where it came from.

Jonny says:
I'll mail you a dog if you want.

Valancy Jane says:

Jonny says:
I'll pretend to be the Emperor of Japan, so you can explain to your superiors that if they move it, the Emperor of Japan will be displeased and mail you one very, very angry ninja.
What a great way to die: having a ninja sent to you in the post.

Colsy says:
i prefer vikings

Jonny says:
Did you know that "viking" is also a verb? There is a verb "to vike". It's what vikings did.

Colsy says:

Jonny says:
It's true.

Colsy says:
they viked the vukes.

Valancy Jane says:
Wow. My goal today is to use 'vike' in a sentence.

Happiness is ......
........ painting with Lola, slowly adding bit by bit, waiting to see what it will become.

Another Actual Conversation
Nick - *comes out of the bathroom* "Where's the shopping list?"

VJ - "You hate my toothpaste, don't you?"

Nick - "Can't we just get something normal?"

Friday, July 28, 2006
Another Actual Conversation
Research Lab Guy - "Who's that?"

Receptionist - "My boyfriend."

Research Lab Guy - "He's cute."

Receptionist - *grin* "Yeah."

Research Lab Guy - "I'd do him."

Receptionist - "Please don't."

Two Things.
One, Lola is really blogging now.

Two, the sign out front that said, "Reserved for Mayor Sanders" now reads "Reserved for Colonel Saunders." I ......... er ........ have no idea who did this. *hides plain labels and sharpie*

Another Actual Conversation
My Homie in Marketing - "You know, I didn't recognize the Mayor right away."

Receptionist - "I didn't either, but I saw the Shark right off. No mistaking him. So I just looked to see who he was circling."

My Homie in Marketing - "The Shark? What's the Shark?"

Receptionist - "Oh, his campaign manager/chief of staff. I call them his Shark. See, as a teenager I knew a lot of politicians, I volunteered on a few campaigns and my dad worked with some. And every politician has a Shark. It's a beady-eyed man with bags under his eyes, who never stops moving, especially his eyes. He sticks to the politician like glue. Back then he always had a dark brown leather zip-up binder under his arm, now it's a palm pilot or something."

My Homie in Marketing - "What does he do?"

Receptionist - "He plays bad cop. If some old woman who made a sizable contribution to his campaign, and now wants to talk his ear off about her grandchildren, or beach house remodel, then the Shark comes over and hauls him off, and the old biddy doesn't get mad at the politician himself. He taps his watch when it's time to leave, so the politician can look regretful. He manhandles and corrals and parades the politician, and makes all his demands for him, so the politician doesn't look diva-esque. Basically, he gets mad for him."

My Homie in Marketing - *eyes are all lit up*

Receptionist - "My Homie, how the hell are you NOT a Shark?"

My Homie in Marketing - "I don't know. I just don't know.

So Then I Said ........
.......... "Nick, can I love you just for the way you wash windows?"

Thursday, July 27, 2006
I'm coming down with a cold or something, and when I unwrapped my brownie from the deli, it was moldly.


However, I'm aware and grateful that I have nothing real to be upset about.

I'm Tired/GiddyHappy/Distracted, and I think it shows.
Today after work I get a tour of Nick's office. I'm wearing a shirt that he's twice complimented me in. That's good I think. I hope I make a decent impression on his coworkers. Personally, I've completely changed my opinion of some of my coworkers, for better or worse, simply by meeting their significant others. Am I the only one that's done this? I doubt it.

I love the song Your Ex-Lover is Dead by the Stars. It used to be on 'Rezzie's myspace. Thank you, 'Rez. I've listened to it like four times in a row now.
I do that a lot, get obsessed with a song and listen to it over and over. Remember this tendency before you come on a roadtrip with me, and before we start, give me a number, the maximum number of times you can hear a song in a row before you hate me.
I'm also kinda obsessed with Annie Lennox this week.

And every couple of weeks I fall in love with a new Imogen Heap or Tegan and Sara song. I think I'll buy the Amelie soundtrack.

I'm rambling, I know.
I should just take a nap, I'd be much more useful to the human race afterwards.

A friend has got herself a cat and named it Venus. I approve of everything about it, adopting a homeless pet, the name she choose, even her bedspread, I just wanna stick gold star stickers all over this picture.

I still have Christmas decorations to take down. Remind me.

Finding an old book in the breakroom, with the name "Mrs. Purple Clark" shakily penciled inside the cover, that felt like finding treasure.

I can smell chinese food.

Another Actual Conversation
Favorite Salesguy - "'Morning Peaches. How are you?"

Receptionist - "The pot of coffee I made this morning is terrible and I'm not sure why."

Favorite Salesguy - "Too much coffee? Tap water?"

Receptionist - "No, everything is the same as I always do."

Favorite Salesguy - "Somebody put something nasty in your coffeepot?"

Receptionist - "No, I washed it out this morning ............... oooooooooooooooh."

Favorite Salesguy - "What?"

Receptionist - "That scrubby sponge in the break room, god only knows where it's been ..........."

Favorite Salesguy - "OH."

Receptionist - "Is there somebody I can put you through to? 'Cause I've got to go be sick now."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Another Actual Conversation
Receptionist - "Good morning, [name of Computer Company], this is [Valancy Jane], how can I help you?"

Caller - "I wanna buy a mobile home from you guys."

Receptionist - "Oh, I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number."

Caller - "No, I'm calling to buy a mobile home."

Receptionist - "We manufacture [computer thingamabobs]. You must have a wrong number."

Caller - "But I was given this number."

Receptionist - "Would you like to read me the number to check it? Because we don't make or sell mobile homes here."

Caller - "Are you sure?"

Receptionist - "Yes."

Caller - "You sell mobile homes."

Receptionist - "No. We don't. Wrong number."

Caller - "Are you sure?"

Receptionist - "I'm looking around and I can say with relative certainty, sir, that we have not changed the nature of the business in the last couple minutes, so yes. I'm sure."

Caller - "Are you new?"

Receptionist - "No."

Caller - *disgusted noise* *hangs up*

Would Y'all Still Be My Friend .....
.......... if I carried a teddy bear backpack?


How To Make People Like You
Do jazz hands as you say their name when you greet them.

Keep a bottle of champagne and a few tampons in your desk.

Let them win at Monopoly.

Ask them about their weekend, before and after.

Have a boat. Or just start a rumor that you do.

Buy them clothing a size too small and include the recipt.

Attribute wise sayings you read in books to them. "It's like my friend here always says about money ....."

Check if they want anything before you make a run to Starbucks.

Take good pictures of them that they can put on myspace.

Send them music. Patria by Ruben Blades seems to work particularly well.

Ask them to email you pictures of their new cats.

When they're not expecting it, leave either flowers or FunDip on their desk.

Tell women they remind you of Salma Hayak in some way.

Make really good guacamole. Or compliment theirs.

State of Valancy Jane Address
I'm just so sort of giddy-happy with life, that's it hard to focus it into any coherent post.
Sure I've got a list of stresses that's longer than my arm (and I have oddly long arms for a short girl) but I've got the best friends in the world, and that boy I love so much loves me back. What can't I tackle with that kind of backup?

Happily ever after, it's in the bag.

Plus I had a jelly donut for breakfast, and you know what I love about jelly donuts? You gotta eat them really quickly.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Another Actual Conversation
Lola - "So I had a dream last night that I was possessed."

Valancy Jane - "Really? I had a dream that I found a bigfoot and I was all famous."

Lola - "Did you name him?"

Valancy Jane - "Yes. 'Teddy,' oddly enough."

Lola - "And he was your bigfoot friend?"

Valancy Jane - "Yeah, that's part of why I was famous. I was like the Jane Goodall of Bigfoots. So. Possessed, huh?"

Lola - "Yeah, I took a lot of Attavan last night. I was kinda out of it."

Valancy Jane - "Was that before or after you came over?"

I'm Going To Be Horribly Corny For A Moment. I Can't Help It.

I love this picture, because if you could take a peak into my heart, it would look just like this. Cluttered, cozy and with Nick right smack dab in the middle.

Sorry about that. I'm done now.

Ask Miss VJ
Dear Miss VJ,

I have a problem and was hoping you could help me out. If a train leaves Philadelphia at 2:30PM, and ....
Hee hee. Just kidding.
No problems here. Keep up the good work hot stuff. I miss your shoulder!

- Your little pet monkey, Avery
.... well, I was, in a past life, at least.



*reaches up and puts her right hand on her left shoulder*


Dear Avery,

You tickled my ear and whenever I got stuck on my french in a trading negociation, you whispered the correct word.

I miss you.
And you KNOW the answer to that question is 73 mph, same as everytime you asked me that question, even before there were trains.

Miss VJ

*hums a familiar tune*

Next question please.

Letter To Tazo
(Tazo says on the teabag wrappers to write to them with questions, concerns or "just a little human contact." So I shall. I think we all should.)

Dear Tazo,

Just got your note on the teabag wrapper. It's a Tuesday morning and I'm at work. It's been what I call a coffee plus morning. I have my coffee but I still need a little something, so I hit the tea. *yawns*

I've been yawning a lot lately. Didn't sleep well, because of the heat wave. Last night when my friend Dufel was over I kept yawning rudely over his pictures, because I was so tired.
Dufel moved away and left me a few months back, because the grass was greener in Colorado, literally. He's back on business and came by for dinner.
We had tea. Not Tazo tea, sadly. Tea that Dufel sweetly brought me from Colorado. They searched his luggage because of it. I suggested we smoke it. Nobody took me up on it, not even Lola.
Lola is a painter. At least now she is.
But while she's a painter, she's a brilliant one.
Nick offered her $100 for the painting she did last night.
Nick is a rich art collector, in spirit if not in fact.
He is also my boyfriend. He also likes tea. Your guys' tea. He likes the green teas. And his birthday is coming up on August 30th. (Hint)

Anyway, all 21 of the pets are doing well, and send their love, except Maximus, who holds you responsible for the whistle sound of the tea kettle, which he hates.
How is everyone over there?

-Valancy Jane

Monday, July 24, 2006
When You're As Lucky As Me......
.......... then while you're cleaning bird cages and watching The Shawshank Redemption, Nick insists that he'll get up and scrub out the cage bottoms because he doesn't want you to miss any of the movie, and you look over at your boyfriend scrubbing out bird poop because he loves you AND all your little pets .........

....... well, then you can't help missing a little of the movie anyway because you simply HAVE to kiss him.

She's Growing Up, All At Once.
Last weekend was my ZezZee's high school graduation/18th birthday/going off to college party. So we partied three times as hard as usual.

We kayaked around the bay, stuffed ourselves on ZezZee's now-famous lemon bars, watched ZezZee lose (barely) the hula contest to a BOY, played duck duck goose and tug of war, spelled out words in wet footprints on the sidewalk, and danced in the salt-air and twilight.

We know how to PARTY.

Another Actual Conversation
ZezZee's Party Guest - "Your pants are .......... wet. What happened?"

Valancy Jane - "I kayaked in my pants."


Valancy Jane - "That sounded wrong, somehow."

Happiness is .....
........ going to a party who's whole theme is to see who can eat the most tacos. Not surprisingly, Lola won the woman's division.
(Had a great time, Krista!)

Another Actual Conversation
VJ - "Track one on Balkan Gypsies and track three on Celtic Untamed. I'm telling you, I've found the happiest music in the world."

Nick - "Ok."

VJ - "Is it sad that my first thought when I found these was, 'How can I get these on my Myspace?'"

Lola and I have been trying for awhile now to get kicked out of somewhere.
With surprisingly no success at all.

(Shut up. It's good to have goals.)

And no, we didn't get kicked out of the hot tub at the Bahia Resort. But we would have, if not for some drunk kids and some very appropriately timed fireworks.

To set the scene, Lola's car is parked in the extra parking spot of a cabin where it appears everyone has gone to bed.
We are in the hot tub, where some nice man let us slip in with him, because we "forgot our room key back at the cabin."
Nick is convincing a small boy that he can do magic, by turning on and off the bubble jets.
Lola and are ......... well .......... plotting. As usual.

Suddenly there appears a very intense looking security guard. "All right, I'll need to see room keys from everyone."

He starts at the other end of the hot tub, like a ticket puncher in a train. "You guys together? Room key? Ok."

Fortunately he's only halfway around before he notices what we'd all noticed earlier, that four teenagers were a bit tipsy. He charged off back to the hotel for 'back up' or something, telling the kids, "Don't MOVE."

As soon as he was out of sight, so were we, leaving a dripping trail as we hugged the wall of tropical foliage, trying to blend in. (Note to self - white tankinis with big pink hibiscus flowers are only good camoflage in a Jewish retirement home in Florida, sitting between two women both named Eunice.) Once out of the pool area, we headed back to the cabin where Lola's car was parked, hurrying as much as we dared, and trying to look casual.

"If there are people by the car," said Lola, "keep walking. That might be what tipped them off that someone was crashing the hot tub."

Sure enough, what appears to be an entire family of roughly 16 people have spilled out of the formerly dark cabin and are standing around Lola's car, looking perplexed.

"Keep walking," Lola hisses through a smiling face. Loudly, she then says, "Brrrrr, aren't you guys cold?"

"Yeah, brrrrrrrr," Nick and I toss back casually.

Just as we are a few yards past the car, the fireworks begin.
God bless the SeaWorld nightly fireworks show.
Right on time.

And God bless tourists. Every single one of them forgot all about Lola's car, and rushed back inside to watch the fireworks from the other side of the cabin.

"Go!" hissed Lola.

And we piled in and made our getaway in a style that would make the Dukes of Hazzard proud.

Friday, July 21, 2006
Another Actual Conversation
Valancy Jane - "We think we ran the battery down at the drive-in movies."

Auto Mechanic - "What were you guys doing during the movies?"

Valancy Jane - *almost blushes* "Uh....."

Auto Mechanic - *turns to Nick* "Running the radio, the air conditioning........?"

Nick - "Just the radio."

Valancy Jane - "Oooooooooooooooo. I totally thought you were asking about something else."

'Cause People Are Funny
When I was a kid, I remember that everyone was upset about this 'big ugly watertower' in a residencial neighborhood. They made such a big fuss about it that a committee was formed to figure whether or not it would have to be moved.

In the meantime, the story goes, a committee member had large metal cloud shapes made and mounted on the sides of the watertower, as a way of pacifying the neighbors, letting them know that they were aware of how ugly they found it, and that they were attempting a solution.

Funny thing was that once the clouds were up, no one complained anymore. The furor completely died, and the committee disbanded. And so it stays, and has become something of landmark.

Happiness is .........
......... when your unbearably sexy boyfriend stays up late to bake, so you'll have fresh cranberry muffins in the morning.

Thursday, July 20, 2006
I Blame Nick.
It's all the milk and cheese in his cooking.

I always had rather frail fingernails. I'd grow them out until one broke and then cut them all back to that length. I always envied long, elegant fingernails.

But lately, it's like I'm growing bear claws. The freakish things won't break. At first they were pretty, but they're fast approaching ghetto fabulous.

I'd cut them, but I'm kinda afraid of them.

Another Actual Conversation

Brown Heels in Stall 1 - "Are we both just waiting for the other to leave because we have to make some rather unladylike noises?"

White Sneakers in Stall 4 - *hesitant* "Yes."

Brown Heels in Stall 1 - "Ok, I'll go first. Cover me."

White Sneakers in Stall 4 - *flushes repeatedly*

Brown Heels in Stall 1 - *washes hands, turns to leave* "Lets never speak of this again."

White Sneakers in Stall 4 - "Yes, lets."

Quote of the Day
"Conspiracy theories are the nearest thing we have to (genuine) (post-modern) mythology."

- Jonny Opinion (can you tell I'm happy to have him back?)

Bart the Bear
Nick and I were watching The Edge last night.
He wanted to watch something that would make him laugh, and I told him he could point all the details that were wrong with it, and I promised that Alex Baldwin dies in the end.
That's worth watching.

I really couldn't muster up any fear of the rabid 'man-killer' bear in the movie. First of all, my first instinct to ANY animal (with the possible exception of grasshoppers and moray eels) is "Awwww, I want to cuddle it!" Secondly, I know (thanks to Nick) that bears leave people alone unless you invade their personal space. Thirdly, when the bear in question is a famously tame bear, who did a special with Jennifer Anniston, you know it's not even remotely dangerous. And last of all, just wook at him. Minus the claws and teeth and all, being mauled by Bart looks like a very cuddly and soft experience.
I mean, he's LITERALLY a giant teddy bear.

So all that to say, I want my own Kodiak bear for Christmas.
Write that down.

Another Actual IM Conversation
Valancy Jane says:
I still very much want to go on a Bigfoot scouting expedition.

Jonny says:
What would you say to Bigfoot if you met him/her?

Valancy Jane says:
Mind if I get a picture with you?
Could I swab the inside of your mouth and take a few measurements?
A lock of hair, perhaps?
Thank you for your time and not eating me.

Jonny says:
You're quite a fan, then?

Valancy Jane says:
I've seen all his footage.

Jonny says:

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. When did Haley Joel Osment grow up?

And don't name your 12 foot python after an escape artist. That's not funny, it's TERRIFYING. How many times exactly has the GIANT PYTHON ESCAPED, HUH?!?!

P.S. I hope they both recover nicely.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Receptionist's Letter to the World.
Please do not keep dialing numbers after you've heard me pick up and say hello. It really hurts the eardrums. Don't tempt me to show you.

My name is not Beth, Pat or Diana. I quite distinctly articulated my name at the beginning of the phone call. So if you need to use my name in a condescending sentence, such as "Now Beth, it's really important that I speak with him or his subscription could be delayed," at least use my real name.

And no one wants that subscription. Least of all me, who has to lug 8 duplicate copies you send him all the way to the far end of the second floor only to watch him promptly throw them away.

I'm sorry the person you're calling for is busy and doesn't want to take your call. This does not mean I will go upstairs and physically force them to pick up the phone. They don't pay me to do that, and you don't pay me at all.

I have no idea which of the 200 people in the building just called you. No, I will not get up, turn off the phones and "go ask around." Listen to the message they left and call me back.

It saves us both a lot of time if you ask for someone by both a first and a last name. Particularly if the first name is comman.

If I can hear 8 different people making a sales pitch in the background, rest assured I won't put you through to anybody.

Dropping the CEO's name ever-so-casually still isn't effective if you pronounce it wrong.

Please don't call me, then sound annoyed when I pick up and tell me to hold on. Hang up and call me when you want me, I'm not letting the other lines go unanswered while you yell at your dog.

Please keep in mind that we receptionists lie every day for a living, and we are the most passive agressive creatures God ever created. So we know when you are lying, and bullying will land you in an endless voicemail purgatory.

Yelling will get you nowhere. Manners, everywhere.

Thank you and have a lovely day.

Another Actual Conversation
*chatting about the weather*

CTO - "This cloud cover will burn off, and then it'll be as hot as ......... hades."

Receptionist - "You can say 'hell.' I won't call Human Resources."

The World Needs More .........
............ aging hippies in tie-dye shirts.

........... thank you notes.

Finally The Pictures From Our Night in Tijuana

Note - I'm doing them this way because Blogger has been giving me issues. It only lets me upload a certain number of pictures before it just quits on me. So with my little collages (Thank you Picasa) I can get more pictures up before Blogger quits.

My Grandmother Tells A Story About The Day She Dyed Her Hair Blond
My grandfather came home, took one look at her, and went back outside to check the house number.

Even I did a double take when I saw my blog this morning.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Yes, You're In The Right Place.
It's still me.

I gots me a new look.

I like it. It's distinctive, legible and loveable.

Tell me you love it too. We're very needy, my new template and me.

Christmas Party Pictures
Sadly the memory card filled up before Lou, Dillon and Aurora got there. But here you see me with Lola, ZezZee and Amber.

"There are some things in life money can't buy .... for everything else, there's petty theft." - Jonny Opinion
Things that are totally free -

Late night swim in the pool
Internet at the library
Coffee at work
Air conditioning at the bookstore
Walks at sunset
People watching at the car show
Outdoor movies in Balboa Park
Swings in the park
The beach
Going through my jewelry cabinet and finding all those things I'd forgotten about. It's like shopping in a free store where everything is exactly my taste.
Neck massages
All the music in my sexy boyfriend's library
Picnics on the living room floor
Cuddly naps
Getting a tan
Filming mocumentaries with Lola, about her trailer park
Playing the song on my myspace over and over and over again. (Take Me Anywhere by Tegan and Sara) I love that song so much.
Drinking in moonlight and cool night breezes
And most of all, kissing.

Monday, July 17, 2006
Weekend Update
On friday, Nick was REALLY craving a burger, so I suggested we make a tour of a few different fast food places, and so the Great and Terrible Burger Tour began.

Five burgers, one happy meal, one chocolate shake and one taco later, we were feeling really fat.

As we drove to the drive-in, we passed the Barbie Bicycle Guy. He should be scary, but somehow, he isn't at all.

At the drive-in, we saw Pirates of the Carribean and Cars. I really wanted to see Pirates, and wasn't anticipating liking Cars. But was I the only one who got the impression that Pirates was written in the following manner? -

Cards with eight different scene ideas and eight different merchandise tie-ins were shuffled and handed out to eight different writers, who were then sent to eight different rooms to write their scene ("Larry, you've got something with a witch and it needs to include something we can make into a stuffed animal. Undead monkey perhaps? George, you've got cannibals and try to give us something we can use in the updated ride.") Then the writers came back and played paper rock scissors to determine the order of the various scenes.

And Cars was surprisingly endearing.

But the funniest part of the evening was when some little boy decided to use not the bathroom but the bushes next to our car. He got kinda freaked when Nick's flash went off. *giggle* Are we evil?

The next morning, bright and early (and hot) we were right back in the same lot for a swapmeet. I bought an old paper parasol, which really helped with the 100+ degree heat. Our loot also included a vintage (and unused) scrapbook, some dishes and a pair of really nice picture frames. At a produce booth, we picked up some onions, tomatoes, avocados and a pineapple.

Next we went grocery shopping. Is it strange that we really enjoy grocery shopping? And never do we go to the grocery store without stopping next door at the pet shop and playing with all the animals. A white ringneck parakeet fell in love with Nick. See? He's irresistable.

Nick and I spent the rest of the day tidying up and sweating.

Sunday was our Christmas party. I have lots of pictures, but for some reason Blogger isn't letting me upload them. Grrrrr. I'll find a way.

Another Actual Conversation
VJ - "So you know how some things are far more fun and magical in theory than in reality? Like getting up early to watch a sunrise?"

Nick - "Yeah?"

VJ - "But this, slow dancing with you under the stars on a hot summer night at the drive-in in between movies to an old song? This is even better than it might sound."

Friday, July 14, 2006
They've Got The Right Idea.
A guy handing out swag gave me both a yo-yo and a first aid kit.
I guess they know how clumsy I am.

David Hasselhoff - Hooked on a Feeling
Warning - The scariest thing I've ever seen.

Another Actual Conversation
Customer Service Guy - "Hey, how's it goin'? Whatcha up to?"

Receptionist - "Just planning my christmas party."

Customer Service Guy - "That's some really advance planning."

Receptionist - "No, the party is on Sunday."

Customer Service Guy - "Oh."

*long pause*

Customer Service Guy - "I'll need pictures on Monday."

I Wanna Be Old
For lots of reasons, actually.
But mostly because of senior apartment complexes.

Ok, they're like totally cheaper, all of them allow dogs and cats. They have elavators instead of stairs. And best of all, they have 'planned activities' and 'socials' that include bingo and bus trips to Red Lobster.

I wanna lean off my patio and talk about cats and houseplants with someone named Edna.

I wanna have the exact same conversation about the weather every day with someone named Ed.

I wanna join the morning walking group and hear about the good old days and be patted on the head.

I want neighbors that are both wise and slightly senile.

Can't they make an exception for us, just this once?

Dear Person in the Neighboring Apartment Complex/Owner of the Freakishly Loud Alarm Clock That Gone Off Every Nine Minutes Since 1:30AM,
I hate you.

Yours very truly,
Valancy Jane

Thursday, July 13, 2006
Another Actual IM Conversation
Nick - Hi. Guess what?

VJ - What?

Nick - I'm employed.

VJ - Sweet!
I mean, wait. Crap. Does this mean I have to start doing the dishes myself sometimes?

All The Weird Things That Freak Me Out.
When I was a kid, I remember reading in a book that the sun was just a star, and like all stars, it could burn out one day. I broke into a cold sweat, and was in a panic about this for about a year and a half.

Then I read that stars and comets and things could smash into the earth. Keep in mind that I was an insomiac child. I would spend half the night lying in bed, looking out the window at the stars, trying to determine if any of them were getting bigger and closer.

It's a wonder I grew up with any scrap of sanity left.

As an adult, I still have a few irrational fears.

Really tall people.
I'm sorry. You might very well be a lovely human being, I know that, but if you're over 6'5, you cause a little quakey feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach.
Silly? Yes. I apologize to all the tall folk out there.
I think it's because of a reoccuring nightmare when I was a kid.

Lava lamps.
The only explanation I can think of for this is that it reminds me of egg yolks. *shudder*

Egg yolks. *shudder*
I've never been able to stomach even watching someone else eat runny egg yolk. *shudder*

I'll happily die of brain cancer before I go through that again.

Pictures or footage of storms at sea.
I read too many books about shipwrecks as a kid, and a very active imagination isn't ALWAYS a blessing.

Another Actual Conversation
*watching Rent*

Valancy Jane - "Awwwww. Nick, if I'm ever a drag queen dying of AIDS and you're my freeloading professor tenent/gay lover, would YOU paint my nails for me?"

Nick - "Um .......... yes."

Lola - "I'll make sure it's not that horrid metalic blue."

Valancy Jane - "I love you two."

I need to raise $20,000 to invite Kevin Federline to my Surprise Vasectomy Party.


Do it for the children.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Another Actual IM Conversation
Valancy Jane says:
I am bored out of my mind.

Thérèse says:
Okay, how about you blog then?
I'll give you a topic.
Reasons you like your cats, but aren't a Scary Catlady, Thankyouverymuch.

Valancy Jane says:
I might actually be a scary cat lady.
At heart.
I've got in under control, but only barely.
I WANT to own 17 cats and drink wine from a flower vase while sitting on my screened in porch.

Two Months

61 days he's been here. And every single one of those days, I remember what it was like before he got here. That crushing, wonderful, horrible month of just aching for him.
So now I count over each day that he's HERE as a precious gift.
61 days, and I haven't taken one of them for granted.

I love you Nicholas.

It Was A Hot Sunday Afternoon.
So what was there to do but take all the stale matzo crackers and taco shells down to the lake for the ducks for a stale multicultural feast?
And how could do that without stopping by Lou's house to see if she was there?
And where else would she be but standing outside with her boyfriend Nick, about to walk down to the lake herself?

Lou said she felt a bit like a priest offering them communion. I promised her that next time we'd bring wine and pour a bit into the lake. I didn't mention that I'd seen a homeless man doing just that earlier.

By the way, Lou, I like your Nick. He appreciates all the right things about you. And I'm glad you like my Nick and his pictures.

I accidently hit a duck in the head. Opps.

I miss having a pet duck. I think Lou needs one too. Couldn't you picture it?

"I find that a duck's opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread." -Mitch Hedberg.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006
"I'm ready for the next big thing," Lola said.
I love everything about my life.

There isn't an element to it that I'd change.

But on some level I'm bored.

I'm ready for something more.

But I have no idea what.

I sense change.

And I welcome it.

Girly Confessions Meme. Blame Lola for this.
I wear makeup: Almost never.

I snuck out to meet boys: I never had to sneak out. Boys would sneak out to meet me.

I keep a diary: Yep.

I love chocolate: Not really.

Chick flicks make me cry: Only a few.

I've drank because of a guy: Not really. More often WITH a guy than because of a guy.

I still need my girl time: Hell yeah. Who doesn't?

It takes me at least an hour to get ready: *laughs* Yeah right.

I still have sleep overs with my girls: Yep. But I have no idea where those prank calls came from. *looks innocent*

I love doing my hair: I don't do my hair. But I love that, the NOT doing it part.

My boyfriend's better than yours: Actually, yes. Seriously. He's sweeter, funnier, better looking and he can fix or build ANYTHING. I'm kinda in awe of him.

I've given a guy a fake number: I think I have when I was younger, but now I'm more direct. I just smile and say, "No thank you. I'd rather not." Might smart a bit at the moment, but I think men prefer you be honest and not waste their time. Of course you can always cop out and say you have a boyfriend, even if you don't.

I've been honked at walking down the road: It happens.

I've been called a slut: Yes, actually. Usually as a term of endearment. But it's not very accurate. Sorry to crush any hopes out there.

I love singing: Yes. Far more than anyone loves hearing it.

I love dancing: YES!

My boobs are too big: No.

My boobs are too small: No.

Football players are hot: Not really my cup of tea.

I have my belly button pierced: No, and I don't have any desire to.

I have my tongue pierced: No. Never wanted to.

I have a tattoo: I'm going to get one this summer.

I have gotten suspended: Never.

I have gotten arrested: *cough* *looks around* Funny story, actually.

Pulled over: Yeah, couple times. Only got a ticket in other states, though.

Am I The Only One ......
......... who watched the movie Rent and thought that there was obviously a decent play in there somewhere but whoever was responsible for that crapfest of a movie should be shot and then forced to refund me my two hours back?

And lets not even get into how I now feel more intimately aquainted with Rosario Dawson's crotch than my own.

Monday, July 10, 2006
My Friends Are Way Funner Than Yours.
My beautiful cousin Bekah and her adorable son. Face it, you wish you were related to them too.

'Rezzie, in Ikey's hat. Have you ever seen anything so pretty?

Cuteness (and teal) abounds in this picture of Lulabelle and Cocobelle.

Lola, in her new glasses.......

......... and on our wild night in Tijuana. (Totally faking.)

Weird Day
It started when the new CEO decided to open the excutive meeting by loudly playing italian opera music.

Then the fire department showed up. They parked the big fire truck on the curb, came rushing in and asked for one of the Executive Assistants and ........... proceed to answer a non-emergency question she'd emailed them months ago, about the type of lock used for the water shut off valve.
Way to freak me out, guys.

Right now the new CEO is playing Jimmy Buffet really loudly for another meeting.
Damned if I know why.

Ask Miss VJ
Dear Ms. VJ-

“You always were a special friend,

You knew that, I knew that,
Only I knew something more.
I knew that I adored you and I have forever.
You complain because you can’t find the "right girl."
I guess friendship makes you go blind to see,
what’s standing right in front of you.”

You see… I’ve been crushing on my best (guy) friend for…. Well… As long as I can remember. I’ve been with him through every broken heart life has handed him and it kills me every time. I don’t understand why he goes for everything with ovaries but the thing that could be good for him he passes up without a second look.


-Mad about You.

*props feet up on an ottoman and leans back in her chair*

*eats a spoonful of Cherry Garcia ice cream straight from the carton*

Dear Mad About Him,

My poor darling.
One of life's greatest injustices is that loving someone doesn't give you any right to their love in return. You can fall head over heals for someone, you can offer all the love in your heart, you can be the best thing that would ever happen to them, but if they turn it all down, that's their right. You can't even be angry at them.
See? Totally unfair.

Here's a few ways to soften the blow.
Remember that in some ways, loving someone is it's own reward. You learn more about yourself, you get that wonderful rush of butterflies and daydreams.
Remind yourself how much more to life there is. Swings in the playground, trees, late night girl-talk phone calls, sliding on time floors in your socks, all these things have nothing to do with your love life.
Spend more time with your friends. This is not only a very effective distraction, it makes you look even more fascinating and attractive, in that "got places to go and people to see" sort of way.
Remember that the story of You and Him aren't over until one of you is dead. Life has a lot of twists and turns.
And never forget that life might be unfair at times, but it often makes it up to you, in the form of dear friends and Ben and Jerry's.
Cuddles and air kisses and all my love to you!

Miss VJ

*luxuriates in another bite of ice cream*

Next question, please.

I Think Maximus Wants To See The World.

"Could you please write 'Australia' on the side and leave me on the curb?"

Friday, July 07, 2006
Two Years Ago Today........
.......... I started a blog, because I wanted -

- to kill some time
- to make new friends
- attention
- to get a look at myself in the mirror of my own writing
- to meet a particular cute boy in Wisconsin.

2600 posts later, you might say I've killed some time.
I've made more friends than I can keep up with, which is a wonderously guilty extravagance.
I've gotten plenty of attention, about a 100 to 1 ratio of love to hate.
I know myself so much better than I did, and I've made sense of my own story.
And that cute boy? *grin* He's not in Wisconsin anymore.

If that's not success, what is?

So many times I've wondered why The Internet is so good to me. I still don't know.
But I love it back, passionately, and want to marry it.

Dear Coco and Lou,
When I look at you two, I see the rarest and most beautiful thing - happy, healthy teenage girls who know who they are. Smart, funny as heck, perseptive, loving, charming, and quick to help others.

I'm so proud it makes me cry.

Thursday, July 06, 2006
Ask Miss VJ
Dear Miss VJ,

I have a problem. The problem is fetishes. You see, I'm a fetishist. My fetish, is fetishes. I keep developing fetishes.
It's beginning to... interfere with my social agenda, if you know what I'm saying. So, my fetish appears to be developing fetishes. This has sprung up on me all of a sudden. So all of a sudden, in fact, that I now find myself with so many fetishes that I can't even explain my behaviour by saying "pardon me, I have a fetish" any longer. (That did work for a while.)

So far, my list of fetishes includes:

- Hugging random strangers that wear inviting neon-coloured or hand-knit sweaters. I can't help myself, they're SO VERY INVITING.

- Dancing in elevators, violently. Once I kneed a guy, by accident. I didn't mean to, I just dig elevator music.

- Stapling everything I see. I started carrying a stapler for emergencies, was rewarded for it by smiles and applause once, and so... well, it just escalated from there. The last thing I stapled was a slice of cheese.

- Breaking out into musical numbers and half-expecting everyone to join in. It happened one time, I swear it wasn't just a dream. It was a very enthusiastic version of Grease .

- Knitting. What? I like to knit. The problem there is that all I can think about is knitting and yarns and wool. All the time. Everywhere. I'm worried that this will become annoying for anyone who would actually want to carry on a conversation with me.

It should be noted that I'm actually having a lot of fun indulging my fetishes, but you can see how this affects my social life. My sisters won't go out with me anymore. My mother is exhasperated. My father doesn't know it's going on and it's going to stay that way. I hope. My friends are beginning to get concerned, although that feels like it's going to start being a fetish too somehow. It'll eventually work itself into one. What should I do?

Fetishist of fetishes....Feticia.*

*My most recent fetish involved changing my name, legally, to Feticia.

*raises eyebrows slightly*

*thinks for a minute, then shrugs*

Dear Feticia Darling,

First of all, thank you for the inclosed neon sweater. I'll certainly treasure and ........ uh ......... um ......... give it to my dog Smoopsieloveykins to ............ er .......... sleep on.

Secondly, I think we both know that it's not the nature of your fetishes that the trouble. It's the intensity. Frankly, you sound rather delightful, in a sloshy sort of way.

So how do you dial back the intensity of your fetishes?
Focus more on the people in your life. The friends, sisters, the mother and father you mentioned. Get out more. Bring that intense concentration of yours to listening to them.

If that doesn't do the trick, fashion some friends from yarn and staples. They won't mind dancing in an elavator with you.

Miss VJ

*goes to closet*

*digs in the very back*

*opens a small locked box with a key hanging on her charm bracelet*

*looks right and left*


*pulls out a pair of heavy work boots*

*puts them on*

*a strange look of calm passes over her face*

*dances while humming 'Lady of Spain'*

Next question please.

I Know, I'm A Tease.
Blogger is giving me issues.

I'm working on it.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Tomorrow I will tell you about Friday night in Tijuana with Nick and Lola.

I'll post video of the cats reaction to their flaming birthday cat-food-cake. (No animals were harmed in the making of this video.)

Miss VJ has a letter to answer, from someone with a fetish. Oooolala.

There will be a weekend update, but it's more of a brief timeline of illness and injury.

In the meantime, I leave you with this picture of Lola and I, in happy times, before the stomach upheaval and the toes falling off.

I Expect Cheers and Dancing For This. Oh, And Candy.
I got 100% on my psych class paper. The story of my life one.

Of course the truly impressive part is that I didn't make any of it up.

'Cause like My Homie in Marketing says, "They didn't say WHICH life you had to write about."

Happiness ........
........... ISN'T when Coworker, She of the Lovely Curls goes on vacation for a week, but it IS when My Other Homie in Marketing pretends to be her all week so that I won't miss her as much, even doing her little mannerisms in her accent, "Besitos, chica!"

So Then I Said .........
.......... "Fireworks are at nine, or we could stay in and watch the cats freak out."

I've Always Had A Bit Of A .......
........ superstition, for lack of a better word, about when the shadow of a plane touches me on the ground.

I love the flicker of shadow and the second of cool shade. But mostly I think about what the odds were that of all the land stretching out, that it would pass over me.

Yesterday, it happened twice.


Felt like magic. You know, like eating hail.

So Then I Said...........
....... "I don't know why my stomach hates me. Other than that Pringles incident, I've been very nice to it lately."

Another Actual Conversation
Nick - "Wow. You could seriously get drunk down here for like $10."

Valancy Jane - "And now you understand the wonder and magic and frankly, the point of Mexico."

So Then Nick Said ............
........... "Mau, stop eating the cactus!"

So Maximus Pulled A Box Of Wine Over On Himself.
And yes, I bought boxed wine. I know. See, I have absolutely no taste in wine, and I choose to think of it as a blessing, not a curse, because I can see a box of wine on sale and drink it happily and save lots of money.
*sticks out tongue*

Anyway, so Mau was curious and went to inspect it, pulling it over on him in the process. As he fell backwards with the box on top of him, a look of paniced fear passed through his eyes. Not of fear of being trapped, but one that seemed to beg, "If I die, please tell them it was imported scotch that did me in, NOT boxed wine."

Another Actual Conversation
Hitchhiker - "Dude, you will so get karma points for this."

Valancy Jane - "Sweet. 'Cause I'm saving up my karma points for a pony."