Ask Miss VJ

Dear Miss VJ,

I have a problem. The problem is fetishes. You see, I'm a fetishist. My fetish, is fetishes. I keep developing fetishes.
It's beginning to... interfere with my social agenda, if you know what I'm saying. So, my fetish appears to be developing fetishes. This has sprung up on me all of a sudden. So all of a sudden, in fact, that I now find myself with so many fetishes that I can't even explain my behaviour by saying "pardon me, I have a fetish" any longer. (That did work for a while.)

So far, my list of fetishes includes:

- Hugging random strangers that wear inviting neon-coloured or hand-knit sweaters. I can't help myself, they're SO VERY INVITING.

- Dancing in elevators, violently. Once I kneed a guy, by accident. I didn't mean to, I just dig elevator music.

- Stapling everything I see. I started carrying a stapler for emergencies, was rewarded for it by smiles and applause once, and so... well, it just escalated from there. The last thing I stapled was a slice of cheese.

- Breaking out into musical numbers and half-expecting everyone to join in. It happened one time, I swear it wasn't just a dream. It was a very enthusiastic version of Grease .

- Knitting. What? I like to knit. The problem there is that all I can think about is knitting and yarns and wool. All the time. Everywhere. I'm worried that this will become annoying for anyone who would actually want to carry on a conversation with me.

It should be noted that I'm actually having a lot of fun indulging my fetishes, but you can see how this affects my social life. My sisters won't go out with me anymore. My mother is exhasperated. My father doesn't know it's going on and it's going to stay that way. I hope. My friends are beginning to get concerned, although that feels like it's going to start being a fetish too somehow. It'll eventually work itself into one. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Fetishist of fetishes....Feticia.*

*My most recent fetish involved changing my name, legally, to Feticia.





*raises eyebrows slightly*

*thinks for a minute, then shrugs*




Dear Feticia Darling,

First of all, thank you for the inclosed neon sweater. I'll certainly treasure and ........ uh ......... um ......... give it to my dog Smoopsieloveykins to ............ er .......... sleep on.

Secondly, I think we both know that it's not the nature of your fetishes that the trouble. It's the intensity. Frankly, you sound rather delightful, in a sloshy sort of way.

So how do you dial back the intensity of your fetishes?
Focus more on the people in your life. The friends, sisters, the mother and father you mentioned. Get out more. Bring that intense concentration of yours to listening to them.

If that doesn't do the trick, fashion some friends from yarn and staples. They won't mind dancing in an elavator with you.

Adorably,
Miss VJ


*goes to closet*

*digs in the very back*

*opens a small locked box with a key hanging on her charm bracelet*

*looks right and left*

*listens*

*pulls out a pair of heavy work boots*

*puts them on*

*a strange look of calm passes over her face*

*dances while humming 'Lady of Spain'*


Next question please.