Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Another Actual IM Conversation
ValancyJane says:
*rips stupid shoulder off body and flings it to the ground*

ValancyJane says:
*not really*

Svengord the Brave says:
shoulder still giving you grief?

ValancyJane says:

ValancyJane says:

ValancyJane says:
And if I take any more pain pills, I think I officiall qualify as an addict.

Svengord the Brave says:

Svengord the Brave says:
what does the doc say?

ValancyJane says:
That my spine is a spiral.

Svengord the Brave says:
oh yeah i remember you told me

Svengord the Brave says:
but long term is there anything that can be done to help it?

ValancyJane says:

Svengord the Brave says:

Svengord the Brave says:
tends to be addictive though

ValancyJane says:
That will just make it easier to remember to take it.

Svengord the Brave says:

Svengord the Brave says:
you're funny

ValancyJane says:
I'm horrible at remembering to take my medicine.

"Stephan B. Goodard, I think I love you" scrawled in lipstick on the flyleaf..........
Now that I know I'm not being stalked by a lawyer in Conneticut, I'm so excited about getting a present in the mail.
Thank you, 'Shaw!

I'm not entirely sure what the point of this post is.
Today I read this post on Zoe's blog. And the facts on it are HORRIFYING. People are suffering unimaginable conditions. And I felt compelled to help, naturally.

Then later today, my petfinder link showed a link to Grace, a cat that had been thrown from a moving car window and survived, minus an ear and an eye and mobility in one hip.

And for some reason, I cried when I read about the cat. And I thought about it, and wondered what was wrong with me, that I could read about two tradgedies, one far worse than the other, and emotionally respond more to the smaller one. But I think that just shows that there is a difference between what I can take in, in terms of facts, and what I can take in emotionally. I could read and understand both, but Zoe's post was more than I could take in in one sitting without breaking down. It will probably take me days, even weeks before I can process it and find my place in relation to those facts. And the cat, that was simple. I could take that in, feel it, figure what, if anything, I could do, and move on.
Maybe I would be more useful and a better person if I didn't have to hold this arm's length at first and let it trickle in. Many people don't have that luxury. The people living there are beat in the face with these facts the minute they awake every morning. I'd had a cup of coffee before I even had to read about something bad.
This week I've been confronted by a lot of stories of hurt. A lot of people are asking for my help. And frankly, yes, what's brought this on is simply that I'm overwhelmed.
I'm sitting here feeling overwhelmed, and feeling guilty for indulging in the luxury of being overwhelmed.

For once, I'm not really trying to say anything here, I'm using my little corner of the internet to think out loud.

Pay Attention. This is important.
Go here,

Or here,

Or here.

And before you go on with your day, I'm just curious what your excuse is for NOT helping. 'Cause now you've had a nice neat little opportunity handed to you. Inexpensive, you don't even have to get your hands dirty.
I'm sure there ARE acceptable excuses, you could be that broke, you could sponsor already. Is yours that good? Just asking.

Shout out to Devin!
She has the prettiest eyes and the most infectious laugh EVER.

Things to love about the Lobby
A fruit salad, some toast or a turkey, swiss cheese, avocado, lettuce and tomato on sourdough sandwich, they are all just a phone call away.

To the person searching for kiddie porn that somehow ended up here..........
............. I have software on my blog that logs your IP address. Guess who else now has your IP address?

Your friendly local police department.

Fun with hot glue and pom-poms.
Lou, you are the best craft buddy. I can't wait to wear/give Daniel our creations on Friday. Should we sign them, "Love Marilyn, from Japan"?

So it was weird ........
......... to see a missing poster on the door of a gas station and to walk in and have your pack of gum and $20 of unleaded rung up by someone who looked exactly like the man on the poster? Should I have said something? If yes, what exactly? "Excuse me Sir, are you missing?"

When I say that weird things happen to me, people think I'm exaggerating.
So friday I checked my mail and found a package. I love getting packages. But this one, addressed to me, was from a lawyer in Conneticut. Stephan B. Goodard, Attorney and Counselor. That's weird, I thought, but I figure whatever was inside would clear up the question of why a lawyer I've never heard of, in a far away state, would send me a package.

Inside was one thing, The Complete Prose of Woody Allen, hardcover.
That's it. No note, no explanation.

I'm so confused.

So then I said...........
.......... "Carol said when her lab has puppies, we can borrow one for an afternoon.
And by 'lab', I assume she means laborador dog, and not that she's not growing puppies in test tubes in a lab."

Am I the only one........
......... that never notices swearing in a song until I hear the bleeped out parts in the edited versions? Seriously, I never knew what Gwen was singing in Hollaback Girl until I heard the edited version. I was like, "'S--t'That what she was singing?"

Friday, May 27, 2005
Quote of the Day
"I have to say, I'm a fan of instant karma. It's nice to just get it over with, y'know?"
-Zoe 'Fun Things To Do In DC'

My friends are such pretty people.

John. Posted by Hello

Justin and El Jefe. Posted by Hello

Christy! Posted by Hello

Stretch and Paul Posted by Hello

Once I took an IQ test completely drunk.
And I got 128.

My shoulder hurts.
On the drive home I discovered the only position that doesn't make it hurt.

Right foot on the dashboard, left curled under me.
Left arm on JR's thigh holding his hand, right arm lying next to me, palm up, with fingers tucked under left foot.
Neck bent to the left so that left ear is touching left shoulder and chin pointed up towards ceiling of the car.

Good thing I wasn't the one driving.

More Lobby Madness
Late yesterday afternoon, two young men enter the lobby.

"Hi. We're the strippers that you guys ordered. Is there a place we can change?"

I wasn't at all sure they were kidding, so I went with it. I pointed to the conference room and said, "Will the table work or do you need a non skid surface? And didn't we order a keg too?"

"A different driver brings the keg. Now did you girls want the cowboy, the policeman or the jedi fighter pilot?"

"Jedi, I guess. That's new and interesting."

After about 5 minutes of this, I said, "So, uh, seriously.............?"

And they told me that they were, in fact, selling art out of the back of their van. Although it did NOT, as I suspected, have plaster still clinging to the backs of them from being hurridly ripped from a wall, I declined.

Because I just don't have enough madness in my life....
One of the execs has a rather odd task for me. When people come in to meet with him, he has me pretend to call and order a sandwich, but really I've called his office and the 'sandwich order' is code for what the visitors are wearing, so that he can dress accordingly. "Turkey with lettuce, no bacon, open-face" = Slacks, jacket, no tie, open collar.

But sometimes I throw in extra stuff, just to confuse him.

"Whole pickle, on the side, EXTRA mayo, please."

Thursday, May 26, 2005
Interesting facts
I am 8th on the search list for 'origami platypuses', 6th on the search list for 'ape paring' and third on the search list for 'sunglasses worn by Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law'.

Oh, and I'm also 26th on the search list for 'premade bows'.

The really odd part is that in each of these links, I've attracted readers. So, uh, Hi. Glad you came, I guess.

According to this article ........
......... at our current salaries, with both of us working, a child would cost JR and I roughly the equivalent of 4 years of pre-tax earnings. Not including their college education.

At that price, our kids had better be useful or witty or at least amusing.

I won't go to the extremes suggested by this article and 'employ' my children in my 'home business' making their meals tax deductible, and printing advertisements for my 'home business' on their clothes to make them tax deductible.

I think I'll just suck up the cost and use my children as an excuse to own toys.

Did we learn NOTHING from the story of the Giant Lobster?!?!
Poor guy. He's old, just trying to get something to eat, and he's pulled out of the water and manhandled. And now we're all shocked that he died.

Poor Giant Catfish.

I dedicate the words of one of my absolute favorite poems to his memory.

My Catfish Friend
by Robert Brautigan

If I were to live my life
in catfish forms
in scaffolds of skin and whiskers
at the bottom of a pond
and you were to come by one evening
when the moon was shining
down into my dark home
and stand there at the edge
of my affection
and think, "It's beautiful
here by this pond. I wish
somebody loved me,"
I'd love you and be your catfish
friend and drive such lonely
thoughts from your mind
and suddenly you would be at peace,
and ask yourself, "I wonder
if there are any catfish in this pond? It seems like
a perfect place for them."

Stretch, I'm sensing ..........
......... another robot in the making.

Two things.......
One, I found my old roomie's blog.
Go say hi to Chlace, she's awesome.

Two, 'Shaw didn't tell me it was his birthday yesterday, so go say a belated Happy Birthday to him!

So I got some mail addressed to......
.......... Italian Food Lover and I thought to myself, "How did they know I lived here?"

So then I said..........
"So I raised my seat up, because my shoulder was hurting from the angle I had to hold my arm to move the mouse and so now my feet don't touch the ground and I'm swinging my feet, like I'm floating ............... weeeeeeeeeeee!

Maybe I had too much coffee."

In my quest for a sane life..........
So the other day I was telling someone, "I'd like to do [such and such], but in a time-crunch my priorities will lie elsewhere."

And I got to thinkin'. What is life, really, but a timecrunch?
And when pressed for time, people get really honest about what's important to them personally.
So what I said I would do in a timecrunch, I'm just going to live like that.
I'm not going to be afraid to say, "That is worth being cared about, but I don't have time to worry and care and invest in it. It's not of the few things I choose to spend myself on."

I'm going to say "I don't really care" a lot more often.

And the things I really do care about, the people and causes I hold dear, I'll have a lot more time for them.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Idea borrowed from 'Rez.
Anywhere but here.........................

In the hot tub at Estero Beach Resort that overlooks the pool,
that overlooks the ocean,
that overlooks the sunset.
With a Midori Sour in my hand and a flower in my hair and friends all around.

In Bunny's garden with her, picking sweet peas, and wearing my big floppy gardening hat.

Getting to the beach at 3AM to stake out a firepit on a busy weekend, and sitting to watch the sunrise while wrapped in old blankets, eating toast Brent made over the fire that tastes of soot and sand, and drinking coffee from a giant thermos passed around you and your friends.

Sitting in the best corner of my big red couch, with a pillow in my lap with my boyfriend's head on it, with a bowl of JR's amazing pasta in hand, watching a movie.

Crammed into a booth at Ciao Bella's with Mike and Jesse and Bethany and JR and Devin and Brent and Eric and Christy and Jefe, everyone eating off everyone else's plates.

Laying on a blanket at the lake with JR, drifting in and out of a catnap in the sun.

Eating toast and drinking tea in Bunny's kitchen, giving or recieving a pep-talk.

Soaking for two hours in my bathtub, with music on and finger foods on the bookself next the tub and a couple of celebrity gossip magazines. (Don't judge me.)

Sitting in an avocado tree, reading an exciting book.

On a roadtrip with 'Rez. With gallon sized coffee's in the cup holders, a wadded up map on the floor, 'Rez jabbing me in the side with her guitar everytime she plays the D chord, and the smell of grapefruit in the air for the past hundred miles because we decided to eat all the fruit so we wouldn't have to declare it at state lines. And of course, R and C in the backseat, with L(s) crawling around under the seats.

Quote of the Day
"Speaking of insane, I made a cd cover for the cd I don't have yet. Wanna see it?"
-Mark Volner

What's with all the [movie who's name I won't say for fear of encouraging Google to route people here] searchs bringing people here?

I'm not going to list them, because that will probably just put me higher in the search list. But seriously, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A LIGHTSABER!

Another Actual Conversation
Child Known Far and Wide for Her Overwhelming Cuteness - "VJ, do you have a picture of you that I could have?"

Grown-up - "Well, I don't carry around headshots of myself. Anymore. But I might have one of JR and I in my purse. Why?"

Child - "I need it for a project I'm doing for school on my hero."

Grown-up (breath knocked out of her) - "I have never been more touched and more terrified, all at once."

Tuesday, May 24, 2005
So then JR said...........
........... (as he hands me a Reach Flosser) "Here, it's NOT a hint or anything, but it was pink and free and I thought of you."

So then I thought quietly in my head, "I'm not offended at the Flosser, but surely I could divine an insult out of 'pink' and 'free'.

Monday, May 23, 2005
More Actual Searches That Led People Here
'country sunbathing bare blog'
'star wars nude naked'
'jimmy fallon as a boyfriend -idiot'
'lightsaber create parts'
'homemade meth ice'

I'm not sure which one of these scares me the most.

Weekend Update, by guest host Marco Polo.
Wow, I did so many things I can hardly keep them straight.
I got to eat mexican food and someone offered me drugs but I said 'no' just like Daddy taught me, and I went up to a mountain town for pie and also got luggage just my size up there, and Tia VJ gave me a surfboard and promised to show me how to use it next weekend, and I made friends with Shasta and Walter and Reggie and we went to see Monster-in-law and Jane Fonda is a great actress and I got to sing in the worship band and had a nice chat with Tia VJ's pastor and Tia Lou and Tia VJ and I went to lunch and I got the biggest ice tea ever and I met some indians and was given my very own headdress and I met some sailors and I got a new hairdo that Tia VJ and Tia Lou call a 'faux surfer mohawk' and I tried to rescue some stuffed animals out of a big glass box but Tia VJ said they're happy living in there and I met a dinosaur at a coffee shop.

Another Actual Conversation
Man standing in line #1 - "The only advice I can give you in this situation is just 'be nicer'."

Man standing in line #2 - "Well, I guess."

Receptionist who eavesdropped and is now butting in - "Isn't that good advice for EVERY situation?"

Friday, May 20, 2005
What is it with people giving me alcohol today?
Earlier it was wine.
A tech just walked by and handed me a beer.
I'm not complaining by any means, but WHY?

More Actual Searches that led people here.
"ashiedu" - Sorry, he's come and GONE. And good riddance, I say.

"about on stripping bark from myself by walker" - Good for you, whoever was looking for this. This is a beautiful poem, one of my all time favorites. Go read it here.

"ryan cabera(true)" - He's not here, but if you find him, tell him to get a haircut, would you?

"rosarito mariachi band hire" - Don't I wish we had one of those here in the lobby. Don't I wish.

"pope name quiz" - You type in 'quiz', you end up here. Figures.

"tina fey" and "tina fey" "arm wrestling" - I love Tina Fey, but I'm not sure I want to know what you were looking for.

"california's full of women" - Once again, if I didn't know this was a line from a song, Shoulda Been A Cowboy, I'd be very worried.

"MOJA CARRIBEAN PARTY" - I don't want to know.

"If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you" - Jonny, this was you, wasn't it?

"Lobby Duck" - Whoever you are, I love you.

Happiness is..........
........ a coworker (She of the Lovely Curls) who knows you're had a bad week and buys you a bottle of your favorite wine.

Things that have made me laugh.
Defination of Hate.
Paying for a hit on your ex with HIS OWN CREDIT CARD.

Would you really shop at a website named www.plasticclothing.com?

I'm saving up to buy ALL of the ad space this woman offers, and make her wear ads for hemroid cream and adult diapers.

Crap, this woman is on to us. We've been plotting this for years. We never thought anyone would figure it out.

It's illegal to own a pet ferret in this state (don't ask me why), but many people do anyway. ('accessories' = ferret)

And this poor woman just has a dog for sale, but obviously she just really needed to vent about her brother, poor woman.

And this is the scariest definition of "fine" I've ever heard.
"She's fine, I can vouch for that, she does exactly what her father does: When the pressure's on, I don't eat and Nicole Richie is just not eating." - Lionel Richie
Isn't that exactly what we were all afraid of?

Another Actual Conversation
Valancy Jane - "Coco, have I lost my mind, or is 'Uncle Sam' standing on the street corner waving at people?"

Coco Bean - "Well, I DO see him too, but more importantly, are you using me as a sanity test? Bad idea, VJ."

My bird Augustine has always liked it when I played music. He'd get more vocal, and sometimes he'd chatter and whistle along.
But last night he broke into FULL FLEDGED SONG during one song.
It's by Nelly Furtado.
I'll give you each one guess.

Thursday, May 19, 2005
Another Actual IM Conversation
ValancyJane says:
*gets playdough up her nose*

ValancyJane says:
Don't ask.

Thérèse says:

Thérèse says:
no i'm sorry, i must.

Thérèse says:
how did you get playdough up your nose, dearest?

ValancyJane says:
*shuffles feet, looks down*

ValancyJane says:
I was trying to make a mold of my nose.

Thérèse says:

Thérèse says:
(what kind of friend would i be if i didn't laugh at that?)

ValancyJane says:
*picks florescant orange bit of playdough out of nose, shrugs and eats it*

ValancyJane says:
I really hope someone was watching that.

Thérèse says:
i'd accuse you of being a five year old, but i think you'd like that.

Actual License Plate

See, its not the 'demented' part that scares me. It's the '2'. To me this suggests a fleet of 'demented' cars on the road.
They're demented and ORGANIZED.

Star Wars
So last night I decided on a very unusual costume for the Star Wars first showing. I went dressed as Someone-Who-Understands-That-There-Is-A-Line-Between-Fantasy-And-Reality. (It involved wearing very cute shoes.)

But before I go any farther, I should say to any Star Wars fans out there, I love ya' ll. I date a Star Wars fan, and he's hot. And I can hardly mock anyone for going to the first showing, because I am aware of the fact that I WAS THERE TOO. I'm just saying. I get more than a little giddy whenever a Gwyneth Palthrow movie comes out, and I actually went to see Chris Kattan in Corky Romano, feel free to mock me about either of those things.

That said, last night was SO FRICKIN' FUNNY.
We got the theater at about 9:30 PM, and they sent us all into the theater right away. I hadn't seen the second of these new ones (Episode IQVII%V, I don't know), so I thought about standing up in the theater and asking all the people there to tell me what it was about. Or better yet, ask them to act it out.

"So then Yoda does what?
Act it out.
No, you're too tall, act it out on your knees."

"So what noise does the fighter jet makes?
Show me the battle manuevers they use."

"Stop fighting over who gets to be Anakin."

"Somebody HAS to be JarJar.
Come on, anybody?"

I thought two 'jedi knights' were going to come to blows at one point. I wonder what that would be like.

Jedi 1 - *taps Jedi 2's leg with plastic lightsaber* "I've just cut off your foot."
Jedi 2 - "Bummer. You got me."

If it were me, I'd be like, "So? I just dropped a piano on your head, so HAH. And I just sent a glactic dust storm tornado thru your Mama's spaceport trailer park."

The movie was good. As a movie. (Not as a lifestyle.) It was exciting and interesting. They weren't kidding when they said it was dark, brutal and violent.

No one beat James and I up for saying (loudly) during the movie, "Where's the StarGate?" "Dude, I just totally saw the Enterprise in the background." and "I know how it ends, he becomes EVIL."

Marco! Polo! Is! Here!
Ruan has begun a project of sending Marco Polo (yes, he let me name him) around the world. Marco has begun his trip with me, and he arrived slightly jet lagged last evening. I'll let him take over for a while.

Hi, dis is Mawco. Once I got out of my mail envelwope, Tia VJ let me have a nice snack of apple and peanut butter and a nap before we went to the midnight showing of Staw Wars. It was vewwy scawy. Tia VJ covered my eyes for the scawy pahts. We got home vewwy late, and had to get up earwy for work, so it's time for my nap now, right after I finish my animal cookies.

*VJ brushes animal cookie crumbs off keyboard*

Ruan, we're taking very good care of your little bear, and I'll send pics soon.

So then I said.........
........ "Since it's gonna get really dark in the theater, I planned ahead and have worn pants for the last 6 months straight, giving me glow in the dark white legs, for safety."

Believe it or not, her grades ARE actually improving, despite my help.
I tutor Coco in Algebra. But we tend to also study philosophy, science and character development("X is a loner, always trying to be alone on one side of the equal sign.") along the way.

So last night we were discussing functions and function notations.
"So Coco, see how the domain and the range are all neatly lined up, in pairs? They're like, you know, each other's lobster."

"So the Domains are like Ross and the Ranges are like Rachel?"

"Yeah, exactly."

*skip ahead to learning imput/output*

"So, Coco, the imput goes in as Ross and comes out as Rach- ......... ABANDON METAPHOR, ABANDON METAPHOR!!!!!!!"

Quote of the Day
"Run, Mr Crabs! Run like you aren't in a coma!!!"

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Dude, QUICK! I need ideas!
So JR scored some tickets for James, himself and I, to the first showing of Star Wars, and I want to go in costume. But not a Star Wars costume. I'm thinking something else, just to confuse people.

I'm thinking JR as Spock, James as Harry Potter and myself as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Any other ideas?

After a conversation with Sven today.............
.......... this headline seemed rather ironic.

"Brits behaving badly? Mall bans 'hoodies'."

Sorry, not to be exclusive, but you had to be there.

*wink at JMsy*

Which Chronicles of Narnia Character Are You?
I've stopped apologizing for the quizes.
I realized the links aren't working, click on the title of the blog post for a link that works.

You are Aravis
You are Aravis Tarkheena, the only daughter of
Kidrash Tarkaan, the son of Ilsombreh Tisroc,
the son of Ardeeb Tisroc, who was descended in
the right line from the god Tash! Right, so
you're pretty noble, a little snobbish to
Shasta at first, but by the time he's a prince,
you've met Aslan, been reformed and fallen in
love, really. You ran away because your dad
betrothed you to a wretched old man and your
lovely horse wouldn't let you do away with
yourself. You owe alot to those who have risked
their lives for you, but you're pretty special

Which Chronicles of Narnia Character Are You?
brought to you by

So then JR said........
"VJ, those sunglasses make you look like a bug."

And then I said, "In a good way?"

So then I said...............
"These sunglasses make me look like a retired schoolteacher that lives in Florida who's name is Edna. But in a good way."

So then I said.............
"These sunglasses make me look like my own father, circa 1985. But in a good way."

Note to Self
When picking up the megaphone left behind your desk, it's important not to bump the MOTHER FRICKING LOUD siren noise switch. Especially not when the CEO and two board members are in the lobby, because they will laugh at you as you fumble to turn it off.

Another Actual Conversation
Kid #1 - "Lets play star wars. I have a lightsaber!"

*kid #1 bounces around, waving imaginary lightsaber*

Kid #2 - "I want a lightsaber!"

Kid #1 - "Well, then you HAVE one! Duh!"

Receptionist - "I wanna play! And I want a pony!"

What book of the Bible are you?
You are Psalms
You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by

What Sign of Affection Are You?
cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
You are Deb and you could drink whole milk if you

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Dude. The gods have smiled down upon me.
Someone left a megaphone behind my desk.

In case you didn't catch that,


What were they thinking?

Last night I bought Legos..........
......... for no other reason than to cheer myself up. And it worked. I bought this.

And instead of looking at me like I was an insane twenty-four year old woman in the toy aisle, JR joined in on the fun and bought this and this. And we cluttered up the dinner table, building as we ate.

So then I said, "Look, my pirates are having a meeting in the skull cave to discuss their health care benefits."
*long pause*

"I think I might need a vacation."

Someone said some very cruel and untrue things about me yesterday.
Someone who takes it for granted that she deserves a place in my life.

And at first it hit me hard and really hurt, and it seemed such a big thing. Then last night JR and I went shopping, and as I picked out new oven mitts, it hit me that these oven mitts had more relevance to my life than she did. The choice of color and pattern will affect my life more than the choice of what to say in reply to this person. And she shrunk back into the tiny role she plays in my life.

And I'm not going to respond to her accusations. Is anyone familiar with the carton character Happy Bunny? There is one that goes something like this,
"Q. - Is the glass half full or half empty?
1. Half Empty
2. Half Full
3. Ducks and Pancakes

A. - The answer is 3. Ducks and Pancakes. Don't waste your time trying to find a sensible answer to a ridiculous question."

So in answer to what she said, I say, "Ducks and Pancakes."

And that's all I need to say on the subject.

But on the subject of oven mitts, it occurs to me that I discuss them a lot. Any theories as to why?

And yes, like everything I own, I did name them. That is, if Stretch has no objection to them being named Paul and Rodger. *giggle*

Another Actual Conversation
Girlfriend - "I like these oven mitts, what do you think?"

Boyfriend - "Yeah, I like those."

Girlfriend (tries mitt on hand) - "Grab me another one, will you?"

Boyfriend - "I think we just need one."

Girlfriend (utterly aghast, with one mitt on hand like a puppet) - "Bu- but, who will this one talk too?!?!"

Jefe, you are so ............ YOU. In a good way.
I got this email yesterday from him.

Date: May 16, 2005 2:49 PM
Subject: Finally

Today I cut the webbing under my tongue. I can now, finally, lick my nose. Prior to today I could gleek, fold my tongue into single, double, or triple tacos, blow saliva bubbles, roll my tongue to the left & right, and even fold it back, but I could never lick my nose. I would recommend this modification for anybody but DO NOT ATTEMPT to do it yourself. It should only be done by a trained professional in a sterile environment. There are numerous veins and muscles in the surrounding area that could be easily damaged leading to disfigurement, loss of taste, or hemorrhaging of the tongue if this procedure is attempted by an amateur. As for pain, it is minimal, and aftercare is the same as that for a tongue piercing. Flush with warm water and refined uniodized sea salt twice a day. Allow six to eight weeks for full healing.


Monday, May 16, 2005
So then I said...............
............... "Is that guy hitting on me, or trying to pick a fight with me? I can't for the life of me tell."

So then I said.........
........... "Dude, Ben, that little bomb thing left baking soda all over my butt! But I guess I had that coming."

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
Friday Night -
JR helped me pick out a new fish tank for my beta fish, Phoenix. Phoenix is so active, I thought he'd appreciate more space than the average beta bowl. He looks so happy now.
And of course at some point in putting the tank together, I had to shove the whole mess at JR and say, "Baby, make it make sense, please?"
Then we had a movie and chinese food date. He's so cute. He makes me giggle foolishly and grin like an idiot. And he's snuggly. I'm going to keep him.

Sat. -
So when my mother asked when she should come over on Sat, I said that earlier was best, because I would be very busy. She said she'd be there by nine. At 9:20, she called to say she was just leaving. Rather than let her play fast and loose with my whole day, I ran some errands while I was waiting. I went grocery shopping (am I the only one that is growing to love grocery shopping?) and then I bought a new birdcage for Augistine, with new perches and a swing and a hammock/tent thing to hide in.
Then my mother called to say she was at my apartment.
I met Bob. I've been warned he's a hugger, so I was prepared with 'don't even try to touch me' body language, and it worked.
My mother was fairly pleasant, with the notable exception of letting me know she ran into the old family friend that used to rape me as a kid (and yes, she's fully aware of that) and told me that "he looks good and happy and healthy, we chatted for a while." Is too much to ask that if she chooses to be friendly with my rapist that she at least not give me updates on his happy life?
So after a while, she and Bob left (I loaded up my arms with picture frames so that he wouldn't try to hug me).
JR and took a snuggly nap, then went to the mall and I bought out New York Co. I love shopping there. I found a dress, so comfortable and so cute that I bought two (one deep red, one aqua) and I think I'll go back for more. And their little scoop neck tees are so cute and on sale right now. I love that store so much, really people, go shop there.
I also bought a perfect pair of little wedges and a cute necklace and a pair of sunglasses that JR thinks make me look like a bug. Then we went to a nice new menswear store and I got to sit and watch my handsome boyfriend put on a fashion show while he tried stuff on.
Sunday - Stretch made me a origami frog out of one of the bulletin flyers during church. Such are lifes little treasures. And Paul and I laughed over the option 'always single' on the little contact info cards in the bulletin. Really, I swear it said that.
After that was the AWANA Fun Fair for the kids. I ran the cake walk, and I let the kids play it VJ style, which is sorta duck-duck-goose meets shoving match. *giggle* I like chaos.
I got another layer of tan (desparately needed) and a cake. And the kids and I had so much fun.
Then I went to JR's and we went swimming and vegged in his porch swing. *sigh* JR is so much fun to go swimming with. We even brought his dog Keno in with us, Keno loved it.

So, am I the only one........
........ in church with my piece of communion cracker who's trying to figure out by its shape with part of the body of Christ I have? (I think it was a lung yesterday)

I'm not the only one that irreverant, right?


*crickets chirp*

Ok, I guess it is just me.

Friday, May 13, 2005
See, I DO have friends in real life too.
And to prove it, here's her, uh, um, internet profile.

A story by one of my favorite writers, Robert Fulghum.
When I speak before educational groups, I tell my "war stories" - those tales that come out of my life as a schoolteacher. When teachers ask me how I feel about my current situation, I reply that I sometimes feel sorry for myself - when I've been traveling too long and spent too much time in the public fishbowl, and I'm tired and lonely and depressed. The self-pity doesn't last long - because a little voice in the back of my head always reminds me, "You could be in a faculty meeting."

Faculty meetings are black holes that suck intelligence out of nice people's minds. I hated them so much I always sat on the floor in the back of the room and concentrated on sleeping with my eyes open. Sometimes I survived by imagining what everybody in the room looked like sitting there in their underwear.

Once I almost died in a faculty meeting. I had taken a paring knife to school to sharpen in the school shop and had put the paring knife in the outside pocket of my book satchel, which was next to me on the floor when I fell over laughing at some absurd thing. I drove the knife through the fleshy part of the back side of my right arm and into my rib cage. It wasn't as serious a wound as it seems, but I passed out from shock and lay there on the floor. Nobody paid me any attention until blood stared seeping out onto the rug.
An ambulance was called, and I was hauled away to be stitched up.
The event entered the mythology of faculty life. "Fulghum hated faculty meetings so much he tried to kill himself during one."
It took a while for the chairman of the meeting, the young assistant headmaster, to believe I wasn't faking when I did my hari-kiri act and fell over. He believed I would do anything to get out of a faculty meeting, and here was proof. His suspicion was well founded. It was true.
He'd also remembered his previous experience with me and the ape and the naked lady. And that's a long story and a half - one that begins way out in left field and wanders all over the landscape. I like telling it because it's such a different story when seen from the viewpoint of each one of the participants. It has philosophical dimensions, as well. The story begins at a wedding.

A grand garden wedding in early summer. If a wedding inspector had stopped by, she would have found nothing amiss. Though she might have wondered why the bride and the groom and the minister grinned on the edge of laughther all through the ceremony. It was because the groom had threatened to beat his chest and grunt "Ooga-ooga" instead of saying "I do" at the proper moment. It wouldn't have seemed all that inappropriate if all the guests knew what I knew. For this was the wedding of the ape and the naked lady. I want you to know there is a happy ending to this story.

For twenty years, I taught a year-long course called "Graphics" in a private high school. The students called the course "Art for Turkeys" - because it was designed for those who thought they had no artistic talent but wished otherwise. The course was a mix of learning to draw, history of art, philosophy of art, and, as it turned out, sex education.
In the spring of the year, the Graphics class spent six weeks drawing the human figure. Nude. Naked. Both male and female. The students knew, from the art-history lectures and visits to museums, that artists had considered the human form a worthy subject for thousand of years. And they, in becoming artists, might as well do likewise. To open the door to the mystery and see it literally in the light of day.
Besides, adolescents already have a very serious interest in the human body. And at the same time, a discomforting fear. You may remember. Your own body was developing, and all your friends' bodies were developing. And you had no control over this - it happened to you. Bodies were connected to sex. Probably the single thing you thought most about for at least ten years of your life.
We drew the nude human form in the Graphics class as an exercise in growing up - to suspend prejudice and lust and fear. To see what was truly amazing about the human body - and to report that with the language of pencil and paint.
Despite what parents and faculty might think, this was no first unveiling of the secrets of secrets. The students were not ignorant or innocent. Every last one of them had at least seen Playboy or Playgirl magazines, and most of them had viewed R and X rated movies and videos. All had taken sex education and biology courses. If statistical surveys were accurate, many already were having sexual relations, and others would if they could.
These were late-twentieth-century teenagers. It was a mistake to underestimate what they knew. And an equal mistake not to ask them to go one more step and see the human body through the lense of art.
It wasn't so easy to convince parents and the school administration. But to make this long story short at this point, it is to the credit of the school that the matter was dealt with fairly and thoughtfully, and the drawing of the nude human figure became a integrated part of the Graphics course and the life of the school.
After a while, nobody thought much about it anymore. The event came and went without controversy for quite a few years. Samples of student work were placed on view or taken home, and were received with murmurs of appropriate critical appreciation. No problem.

(The ape and the naked lady are coming now.)

It was a friday. For a week we had been drawing the human figure by working from prints of famous paintings. Now it was time to consider the real thing. Our model was herself a artist and came to us from the nearby university, where she also posed for classes. She was young, attractive, auburn-haired, and shapely. Rebens would have approved.

An important part of what happened next involves the assistant headmaster of the school. Remember him? -- back there at the faculty meeting knifing. Tall, handsome, serious, ambitious, bright and eager to succeed at his job. He had come to us in the fall from a very traditional boy's school in Los Angeles, and had been left alone in charge of the school for the first time, while our headmaster was away at meetings.
He did not know that three floors directly above his head there was a naked woman. He would not have believed it. It never would have occurred to him. And I neglected to mention the model to him, because the fact of her existence in spring term had blended into the life of the school several years before he came.
Imagine him sitting at his desk, facing the door to his office, which opens onto the main hallway of the school. It is almost three o'clock and the end of the school day.

Just one more piece of information before the action really begins: the model had a boyfriend. Both the model and the boyfriend occasionally attended my church. I knew them socially. The boyfriend was coming to pick up the model at the end of the school day, and as long as he was there, he thought he might as well play a joke on me. He would rent an ape costume and kidnap the model.

There is quiet in the studio.
Model is posing.
Students are drawing.
Mozart is on the stereo.
All is well.

I leave the room for a little while to give the students a chance to work without my looking over their shoulders and to get some more supplies from a storeroom. While I am there, I hear cheering from the studio, then quiet again. I return to the studio. The class is gone. And so is the model. A prank I suppose - they're just hiding somewhere. I'm cool. They will be back soon, of course.

What I don't know is that the boyfriend has charged into the room in his ape suit, beat his chest, hollered "OOGA-OOGA," picked up the naked lady in his arms, and charged off down the stairs.

The class thought it was me in the costume.
Cheering, the jumped up and chased down the stairs behind the ape. Three floors down to the main hall and then all the way down the hall from one end to the other and out the door at the other end, passing, you may remember, the open door of the assistant headmaster, who has bolted up out of his chair and stumbled to his doorway as the ape, naked lady, and the students stormed down the hall and out the door. OOGA-OOGA!

Calmly, I walk down the stairs, looking for my class.
I know nothing about what's happened. Nothing. I swear.

And headed my way is the assistant headmaster, who is nonplussed and inarticulate. He thinks I have set him up. He also thinks it was me in the ape costume. But that can't be - here I am. He shouts, "What the HELL, Fulghum - what's with the APE and the NAKED LADY?"

The ape and the naked lady, in the meantime, have jumped into the ape's pickup truck and have driven away. The students have returned to the studio by another stairway.

The assistant headmaster pulls me by the arm out the front door.
"Out here."
But there's nothing out there but a driveway, some trees and a lawn.

Years later. The assistant headmaster still thinks I did a number on him. The students still think it was me in the costume. And the ape married the naked lady, and they have a couple of little apes of their own now. "Ooga-ooga."

Is this story true? That's my version. The ape and the naked lady and the assistant headmaster, of course, have theirs. The varying truth perceived by many witnesses is a fact of life.
For example, let me add one final view of this ridiculous event, contained in a letter I received this past year from an alumna of the school - a student in that very Graphics class.
She confessed that she had been afraid to be in the same room with a mixed crowd and a nude model, and even more, she was afraid to be afraid. She didn't eat all day. She was a doubting Catholic, but she seriously prayed to God that some miracle would happen if she went to class. She arrived late - just as the ape carried the naked lady away. Her prayer had been answered. A miracle. God had provided an almost unbelievable solution.
She said it kept her going to church for a long time.

Read and Liked.
People who demand neutrality in any situation are usually not neutral, but in favor of the staus quo.
-Max Eastman

Another Actual Conversation
Supply Chain Manager - "What happened to your hand?"

Receptionist - "I do a little bare-knuckle boxing in TJ on the weekends, for cash, you know."

Supply Chain Manager - "Really?"

Receptionist - "No."

Actually Written on Someone's Office Whiteboard
1. Organize Files

2. Put God first.

Actual Google Searches that have led people to this page.
If I didn't know that "a whole lot smoother than a camel's back" was a line from a song by Train (and a very good song I might add) I would be very scared right now.

"guest book of Bill Jr's Sunrise Tire 2005" I can't decided if this is a drink recipe or a tire company that takes it's customers VERY SERIOUSLY.

Did I ever mention "Vino Tinto", "Sandra Cisneros"? Doesn't ring a bell to me.

"Political Greetings" Sorry, dude. 'Please spay and neuter your pets' is about the most political statement you're likely to find around here.

"more than 1phone in a home" Again, sorry you ended here. You must have a 13 year old daughter.

"valancy jane" Welcome. I think you found what you were looking for.

Thursday, May 12, 2005
Dancing, Part 2
Talking about Enya and dancing started me thinking more about my dancin' days.
I remember my ballet teacher rushing me up through the class levels and feeling pushed way too fast. One day I felt I couldn't take it anymore and left the class in tears, saying "This is too hard, I'm doing horribly!"
My teacher wrote me a note I still treasure today, in which she said she pushed me more than the other girls because she thought I had more potential.
But even that didn't quite prepare me for when she passed me up into the most advanced level she taught, in almost exactly three years after I started dancing. I was scared, the other girls in my class were my teachers in other dance classes. I was just twelve, and felt SO far out of my league.
That first show we did together, I like I was tied to the bumper of a car doing 90 mph on a windy road, just trying to catch up.
I think it was the costume that saved me. It had a pale blue satin bodice with the same color chiffon skirt. The moment I tried it on, I realized I LOOKED like a ballerina. A grown up one. A REAL one. For the first time, I looked in the mirror and didn't see a little girl. And when I put it on, it all came together and I felt suddenly like I belonged on the stage with the other girls.

So the bandage is replaced by a GIANT bandaid, that looks like a........
............. patch of some kind.

I'm telling people I'm trying to quit -


Killing people


Sniffing glue

Stabbing myself in the head with my pen

I love peanut butter pretzels.
I want to marry them in a surprise wedding ceremony, barefoot on the beach in a Caroline Herrera wedding dress.

I miss my AJN. (Adorable Jordanian Neighbor)
I miss parking my car next to his and leaving little notes in the fog on his windshield in the morning that he never got because they were always gone by the time he came out to his car, but oh well.
I miss when I couldn't sleep and so I shuffled over to his apartment late at night in my pjs, making the woman in the apartment next to his suspect that was 'something' going on.
I miss his coffee that was practically solid, and made you stay awake for days.
I miss the foodfights.
I miss the food.
I miss the long talks most of all.


Spinning in the Lobby today is - Enya
See, the thing about Enya is that to properly appreciate her music, you have to blast it far more loudly than the average Enya fan is prone to playing music.

Try it sometime. Blast it as loud as possible. I DARE YOU to resist the urge to dance about and hum.

I fell in love with her music back in my dancing days. My ballet teacher was a modern dancer at heart, and many of our routines had modern music or a modern twist to the dance, so we used a lot of Enya. The song "Orinoco Flow" will always mean spinning madly across the room, or thinking that one of these days, my grand jete would take me up and I wouldn't ever come down. "Watermark", its slow strains will always mean the pain of tortureously slow barre work. See, doing something like a kick slowly is far more work than doing it quickly. In the case of a kick, half of the work getting you leg up to your forehead is sheer momentum, and gravity does the work on the way down so it's nothing more than a controlled fall. But try doing it slowly. Try kicking your leg up as high as you can, and just holding it there. Ouch. Hold it there, with turnout, as the ligaments in your hip realign and slide over each other. Ouch. But really, I miss being that strong.
The song "Storms in Africa" will always be my favorite. In fact it's one of my all-time favorite pieces of music. I can't resist dancing to it, ever, and it reminds me that dance is never just a thing to be learned. It's for everyone, to spill out what's in their soul. And even though I busted up my knees and know I'd never be able to dance for people that way again, I CAN ALWAYS DANCE FOR ME.

If you're reading this, Dad.......
Last night I spoke with my father. I mentioned that I had a blog, and he asked where it was. I told him that I could hardly try to hide something I'd posted on the World Wide Web, so he was in the same position as everyone else. If he could find it, he could read it.

Lets see what my father and Google can manage.

Dad, if you read things about yourself on this blog that you don't like, then I'm sorry in a vague sort of polite way, but not THAT sorry, because it's nothing I haven't said to your face.
And if it upsets you, then good for me, because it means I've FINALLY found a way to make you hear me.

And if you feel you've been unfairly represented, feel free to start your own blog. I'll be happy to link to it anytime I mention you.

You can hardly ask for more than that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Spinning in MY HEAD today is - a song that I can't remember who it's by.......
"......... and if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.
And if the Son has set you free, you are truly free.............."

Interesting info. Well, interesting to me, anyway.
On the day I was born, the number one song on the US music charts was (Just Like) Starting Over by John Lennon.

The name 'Valancy' has no recognized meaning, but 'Jane' means Merciful. I like that much more than the meaning of my real name, with is Princess.
In case you were wondering, my real name is Sarah. I don't care for it. I don't like the meaning, plus it's just a very pink name. (I see names as colors.) There's nothing wrong with pink, it just doesn't suit me. Which exactly sums up my thoughts on the name Sarah.
And the name Valancy Jane comes from my favorite novel, The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery. It's color in my mind is blue-green paisley. I like blue-green paisley.

My Mexican name is Doña Nailea.

And I'm an ENEP. Please call me that.

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

I have very cool friends. I can prove it.
El Jefe and Stretch.

See? I AM cool. By association, at least.

Weather Report
You know that feeling when you're in a club, and you've been dancing for awhile, and the club is warm from all the people, and you feel limber from the movement and warmth?

Today feels like that.

This morning I put cake sprinkles in my coffee.
And a cocktail umbrella in my tea.

I needed the lift. My mother wants to come visit.

*cue Wicked Witch of the West theme music*

I don't feel I have a good option here. And that's not a good feeling. She's got stuff from my childhood, stuff with sentimental value to me, and she's threatening to trash it unless I either come to see her, or she and Bob bring it by. So she says she's coming by this Sat. As long as I tell her where I live, that is.

I feel blackmailed. I have no desire to see her. I'm mad at her.
I spent an entire childhood depressed and scared, and she never once acknowledged it or offered to help because she was too wrapped up in her own little world of drama.
When my grandfather decided to take up grabbing my ass and groping my chest, my mother said it was my fault, and that I'd somehow brought it on. I'm not even kidding.
I could go on and on.

I don't hate her. I AM mad at her.
I just want to be left alone.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Dang it, I'm going to miss the skin on the back of my hand.
So I burned the crap out of my hand today and I'm craving oodles of sympathy because it HURTS.

But I'm not so badly hurt that I can't milk some humor from this. Telling people that I'm just the latest victim of the Evil Spilling Coffeemaker is rather boring, and makes me sound like what Tris and Lisa call a 'muppet'.
So I'm going to lie and tell each person who asks, "Why is your whole hand bandaged?" a different story.

"Well, see, I raise piranas at home, and I was feeding them and .............."

"Well, I was trying to get my bosses attention so he'd sign my timecard, but he was on the phone, so I took a letter opener and ............"

"They usually chain me to my desk, but today I managed to chew myself free..........."

"It's broken. Too many handshakes. You know how it is............."

"We got a new shredder here at the office, and ................"

"I lost an arm wrestling contest with the Carmen(the tiny little cleaning lady) ........."

"Spontaneous combustion, actually, but I mananged to put myself out with my mug of tea......."

"It's just there to hide the gang tats I got in prison............."

"Well, I was going to dress as a mummy today, but I got lazy........"

"My shirt cuff and my bracelet mated, and that bandage is the love-child.............."

"I cut myself shaving."

"Rouge venus fly trap, I don't want to talk about it." *shudder*

"Acid rain."

"I tried to cut the tags off my mattress, and the mattress fought back."

"Stigmata, but just on the one hand. You know I never get around to finishing projects."

"My flip phone bit me."

Just some random nice memories that are floating through my mind today.....
That summer with Josh, driving up the coast in the warm summer sun, and thinking that sometimes, you DO get exactly what you need when you need it, in the form of a friend.

Standing around the kitchen island at Devin's with her family, eating and laughing and dancing.

Maximus as a kitten, a tiny ball of black and white fluff, that was determined to explore anyplace he pleased, thankyouverymuch.

Sitting on the swings with Bug (not her real name, but I could never get out the habit of calling her that. Still do.) as kids, and singing country songs.
'Looking at you through a misty moorlight, kadydids singing out a melody, what was I supposed to do, standing there looking at you, lonely boy far from home. Maybe it was Memphis, maybe twas the southern summer night, maybe it was you, maybe it was me, but it sure felt right.'

That time Brent and some of the girls and I went to the beach at 3AM to stake out a firepit for a Memorial Day Picnic, and we sat around a fire, bundled in old blankets, eating donuts and watching the sun rise over the bay.

Deacon taking me for a moonlit ride on his motorcycle in the Minnesota summer night.

Monday, May 09, 2005
I like this.
I spent all weekend trying to think of a way to explain exactly how much I LOVE what she has to say, but really, who cares what I think. Go read her.

Lets bask in some good news.
Violent crime in San Diego dropped by 17.7 percent during the first quarter of 2005, compared with the same period last year, police Chief William Lansdowne announced Monday.

The number of homicides decreased by 38.5 percent during the first three months of 2005, compared with the first quarter 2004, Lansdowne said. The number of aggravated assaults dropped by 26.4 percent, and the number of reported rapes fell by 13.3 percent.
Lansdowne attributed the drop in violent crime to support from the community, the mayor and the City Council.
"I believe the violent crime rate will continue to go down, as long as we continue to get the support we've been getting from the community and the city," Lansdowne said.
That support this year has come in the form of the City Council approving the spending of $4.5 million to purchase 175 new police vehicles, spending $1.2 million to purchase 55 new police motorcycles and hiring 138 new officers, Lansdowne said. In addition, a new northwestern division station is scheduled to open in fall 2006.
"We still have the lowest number of officers per 1,000 residents, so San Diego gets more bang for its buck than any other large city," Lansdowne said.
Lansdowne also said gang-related homicides dropped by 60 percent during the first quarter of 2005, compared with 2004, and no domestic violence-related homicides were reported this year.

In a city of what, two million people, NO DOMESTIC-RELATED HOMICIDES. That's good news. Print out about 100 copies of this article and throw them on your bed. Roll around in them.

Spinning in MY HEAD today is - The mix CD Coco made for me.
Specifically tracks 3 (All American Rejects, Your Star), 4(Ryan Cabera, True) and 16(FM Static, bonus track).
I've been listening to it all weekend, and those songs are all stuck in my head. Simultaneously.

A simple whisper from your voice
Cannot fade away..............
Love from you was everything,
The air I breath.

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide,
It's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited,
This is true.

Every minute I'm not with you I hope I see you soon.
Theres just something that happens when you walk into the room
And instantly
I feel so complete
It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek.
And you give me this feeling
It's like no other feeling
And it knocks me off my feet.
Please don't ask me what I like about you
'Cause it's every little thing you do
And thats just the way you make me feel.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
BONUS - Thursday Edition!

Thursday was Cinco De Mayo, and so JR and James and I got mexican food and went to the park to eat it. There was a big party going on there, with plenty of tequila, so it was fun to sit in the trees and amuse ourselves by watching drunk people. They were a little too drunk to be throwing a football, so mostly they were just bouncing it off each other's heads.


Yes, it was as funny as you are picturing.

Friday Night
JR and I rediscovered the wonder and the magic that is .................... Crocodile Dundee. Has Paul Hogan done anything lately? If I was making a movie, I would put him in it. Much as I would be tempted, I wouldn't make him do the whole bit about, "That's not a knife, THIS is a knife" in the movie, because he's probably sick to death about that. Well, not in the movie. At my birthday party, maybe. Yeah, definatly at my birthday party. I'd write it into his contract.

I was driving over to pick up Coco around noon, when I passed the Knox house in El Cajon, a historical house/museum that NEVER seems to be open. But it was open today, so I turned in to ask how long it would be open to see if I had time to go get Coco and bring her by for a tour. The house is about 4 1/2 rooms, but somehow they managed to have about 16 volunteer senior citizen tour guides. They started arguing about where I should enter, when I came back with Coco. "Come to the back door when you come back, Honey." "No, she needs to come in the front." "She needs to get her hand stamped in the back." "She can do that in the end, and the tour starts here." "But the stamp is very important." "I know, but we can bring the stamp up here."
I thought I was going to have to separate them. Finally, I just pointed out to them I that I could actually see all of the exits from where I was standing, so how much difference could it really make. They were so cute, in their costumes.
I went and got Coco and said,
"Coco, lets go get our hands stamped and indulge some sweet old people."
That's the true spirit of adventure. "Ok." No questions, no explanation. Just "Ok."
*sigh* I [heart] her. She's too cute.
The tour was so much fun, the little old ladies handed us off to show us different rooms and (this is the part I liked) ACTUALLY LET US TOUCH STUFF. We got to play around in the kitchen with the old stove and flour sieve and irons. I was so nice not to have velvet ropes up, or to hear, "No touching or flash photography, please."
After the tour, Coco and I went to the park and sat in the big playground jungle gym thing and ate our lunch and made friends with small children.
After that, I went to JR's and met his new pet lovebird. Dang it, I was going to get him one for his birthday or our anniversary. Oh well. He just had this glint in his eye the other day when he held Augustine and talked about the lovebird he had when he was young. I knew he wanted one. We watched movies until late, then I sleepily drove myself home.

After church, JR and went to his parents for Mother's Day lunch. I stuffed myself, and then managed to fall asleep in front of the tv while we all watched a movie.
Then JR and I went home and watched Crocodile Dundee II.

It's a freakishly small world, people.
Ok, so I stumbled onto Tristan's blog, I think through Sven's blog but I'm not sure because it was a while ago. So then I meet Tris's girlfriend Lisa. Lisa tells me that she has a friend in San Diego, and it turns out to be none other than MY FRIEND Dave Torr. Who links to my friends Pete and Clint! Go, love them, adore them, tell them I said hello.

Friday, May 06, 2005
I wanna be someone's magic mouse or little carrot.
Silly lovey-dovey names from around the world.

Mon petit chou (French): My little cabbage
Zuckerstuc (German): Sugar pea
Mya morkovka (Russian): My little carrot

Zaubermaus (German): Magic mouse
Zyeinka (Russian): Little rabbit
Moja zabcia (Polish): My frog
Tsipotchka (Russian): Little birdie

Animal-food hybrid
Zuckerschnecke (German): Sugar snail
Honey bunny (American): Honey bunny

Yogodka (Russian): Little berry
Mi media naranja (Mexican): My half orange

Cupcake (American): Cupcake
Meu docinho de coco (Brazilian): My little coconut treat

Ma puce (French): My flea
Mi chinicuil (Mexican): My bug; my worm
Fofinho (Portuguese): Little fluffy thing
Shnoogly-woogly (American): Shnoogly-woogly

Thursday, May 05, 2005
Stolen from Sven
Sven has a meme running on his blog in which participants choose from a list of potential careers and say what they would do. Sven's answers are here.
The idea is to fill in your FIVE choices on your blog and then link back to the blog from which you got the quiz in the first place.

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an inn-keeper...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a world famous blogger...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure...
If I could be a dog trainer...

Here are my five choices:

1. If I was a Painter, I think I'd paint only portraits. People interest me more than anything else in the world.

2. If I was an Architect, I would design a small house with high ceilings, twisty hallways, big windows and a little tower. The top of the tower would be my daydream room.

3. If I were a Librarian, I'd never get any work done, because I'd constantly be sitting down in an aisle and reading something.

4. If I were a Llama rider, I think my Llama would have a very long name. Like my cat, Presidente Maximus Lloyd Vincente, does.

5. If I were married to any current famous political figure, I'd probably have different political views then him, like Maria Shriver. I think that's the way it should be with every politician, they should be married to someone of a different political party. I think we would treat each other with a little more respect. At any rate, you'd be less likely to call the members of a different party 'idiots' or accuse them of something, if your spouse was one of them.

Ways to not be my friend.
Jonny often asks hypothetical (at least I'm assuming they were hypothetical) questions, 'would you still be my friend if I ............'
To save us all time, lets assume the only way I would stop being Jonny's friend is if -

He took up any form of animal cruelty.
He smacked his gums a lot.
He became racist or judgemental.

Spinning in the Lobby Today is - The Killers
The minute my boyfriend's copy of Hot Fuss arrived in the mail, I stole it. I gave it back yesterday, and he finally got to hear his own CD.

How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss,
It was only a kiss.

Another survey, but not by me.
See, I've done so many of these that I imagine they all start to sound the same, and I'm sure I've answered most of these questions already.
And I think Lou was particulary witty in this.
So read her answers.

1. first name: Lauren
2. Were you named after anyone: yes
3. Do you wish on stars: Every single day, even when it's cloudy.
4. When did you last cry: Like last week or something
5. Do you like your handwriting: Yup cuz it looks like my dad's writing
6. What is your favorite lunchmeat: Ham
7. What is your birth date: August 16th
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Most definitely the scratched and battered N'sync cd. First cd I ever got.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you: Probably. Depends on what I'm wearing.
10. Are you a daredevil: I ate kangaroo once....and I'd jump off anything given the chance....does that count?
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell: Afraid so.
12. Do looks matter: What Coco said- "A little bit. I'm really big on personality and a sense of humor."
13. How do you release anger: Yell at my shoes...vent at Coco.....listen to jammin tunes
14. Where is your second home: Coco's house of course!
15. Do you trust others too easily: Depends on what kind of nail polish they have on. I'm very particular.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child: That little Orange and Yellow toy car that you peddel by running your feet on the ground....actually has doors and a roof. Oh yeah, then there was that toy vacuum that actually made noise. And the mailbox. I dreamt of being a postperson.
17. What class in high school do you think will be totally useless: AP European History, World History, and Ceramics
18. Do you have a journal: I am a blogger baby!
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Heck yes!
20. Favorite movie(s): Pirates of the Carribean, Legally Blonde, Untouchables, You've Got Mail, Finding Nemo
21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames: Lou, Laurie, Lulu, Lolita, Lucy
22. Would you bungee jump: Every morning before my glass of Florida orange juice
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off: No
24. Do you think that you are strong: I can....pick up my backpack...I must be strong
25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor: Every kind of ice cream except for anything with nuts and the Red Licorice flavored stuff from Cold Stone
27. What are your favorite colors: Orange, Pink, Green, White
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself: The fact that I overthink and overworry about everything
29. Who do you miss most: My birdy Aqua

30. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back: Uh...yeah
32. What are you listening to right now: My mother's taped Stargate episode
33. Last thing you ate: Ice Breaker's Fruity Mint Thing
34. If you were a crayon what color would you be: That orange one titled, "Macaroni n' Cheese"
35. What is the weather like right now: Windy. Holy crap!!!!! COWS! FLYING COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
36. Last person you talked to on the phone: Coco
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: humour
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you: You betcha
40. Favorite Drink: Dr. Peppper, Starbucks.
41. Favorite sport: Basketball and Football
42. Hair Color: Right now it's brown....kinda
43. Eye Color: Bluish Greenish Grayish (don't ask, God made them)
44. Do you wear contacts: I wish
45. Favorite Food: Strawberries and Macaroni and Cheese
46. Last Movie you saw: You've Got Mail (home); Guess Who? (theatre)
47. Favorite Day of the Year: October 31...candy
48.Scary Movies or Happy Endings: Both are fantastic
49. Summer or winter: Winter.
50. Hugs or kisses: lol, depends on who they are from...
51. What is Your Favorite Dessert: Italian Sorbet
52. Who is Most Likely to Respond: Coco
53. Who is Least Likely to respond: Jessica
54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation: New York w/ Coco.
55. What Books are you Reading: Man in the Iron Mask
56. What's on your mouse pad: Don't have one
57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV: Gilmore Girls.
58. Favorite Smells: Right when the rain starts and a freshly laundered blanket
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? That's a tough one...but they are both so very awesome!
60. Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism: Creationism
61. What's the furthest you've been away from home: Australia...I could say Fiji, but I think I would start coming back towards the Western Hemisphere that way...

If I had my own TV talk show.........
......... Coco would be my co-host.
The set would be a treehouse.
The audience would be sitting on picnic blankets on a big lawn.
Guests would have to either climb to the treehouse, or be interviewed while jumping on a giant trampoline.
At the end of each show, during the credits, hundreds of squirrels would be releashed into the audience, causing chaos.
There would also be a duck on the set. For no reason.

Y'all should be so lucky as to have my friends.
Thank you 'Rez, Sven, Jonny, JMsy, Col and Becky for sticking up for me. You guys are heaven on earth.
And JR, baby, you're sexy when you're protective. Yum.

Thanks for the Hate Mail.
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
Matthew 5:11-12

Ashiedu, thanks for your rude and un-christlike comment. No, really, I do mean it. It serves me two very useful purposes. It give an exact example of what I mean when I say, "there's no hate like the self-righteous, hypocritical hate of an arrogant christian". Also, it gives me the perfectly timed chance to post my testimony, which is what this blog has been building too since last Aug.

Now, Ashiedu, this post may contain words like 'prostitute', so if that offends you, you might want to avoid reading the rest of this post. You might also want to avoid the books of Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, 2 Chronicles, Proverbs, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea, Amos, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, 1 Corinthians, Hebrews, James, and Revelation. Perhaps your avoidance of the book of Matthew, which tells of Mary Magdelene, a prostitute who finds redemption in Jesus, explains how you also missed this verse. I'm just going out on a limb, here, by assuming you'd prefer that my readers and I not judge you on the fact that you have weird granny porn on your blog.
Is the word 'harlot' ok, or do I need to avoid that as well? What about whore?

And I will answer you directly. YES Ashiedu, God and faith matter very much to me, a woman that once dated a prostitute. They also happened to matter to Jadon. Perhaps you thought God was only a God of the shiny, happy people? Perhaps you think God didn't create them as well? Perhaps you think they exist in another dimension from, clean, socially approved little you? Perhaps you think they just are not offered the same deal of salvation as the rest of us? What sin am I guilty of that you are not?
Am I not equally entitled to an audience with the Father?
Perhaps not in YOUR faith, Ashiedu, but mine works a little differently, thank God. And your implication that I had somehow passed beyond the need, knowledge or love of God is just about the MOST offensive thing I could think to say to someone. Your comment was hurtful to me.
However, it leads perfectly into my story. And to all of you who read this, this is as personal as it get for me. And when you hear this, please don't also hear in your head all the religious crap that's been spouted by many other christians. Please, just hear me. I hope that I've developed a sort of rapport with most of my readers right now, and I feel like I'm personally telling you each this story.

Some background on my religous background. My father is a Jew who was raised in the LDS (Latter Day Saints) church, and my mother is a part Jew who was raised by alcoholics. They both converted to christianity after their marriage, but unfortuanatly, I think they really only acknowledge themselves as authority in their lives, and worship no god but themselves.
I grew up with a skewed perspective of christianity, mostly because I saw that most christians were hypocritical and fearful. I went to church on and off as a child, but found the christians to be the biggest stumbling block to my own faith.

It wasn't until I hit my own personal rock bottom that I found God. I've chronicled my unhappy childhood in several previous posts. I was in desparate need of someone to love me.
I ran into an old childhood friend of mine, who invited me to go to her church with her. I remember thinking sadly, "I have nothing better to do." How right I was. There was nothing better I could have done for myself.
For the first time I met christians that weren't unkind, mournful, or just plain stupid.
I met Jeff, who would show up at my apartment every week, and say, "Come on, lets go. You need this."
I met Brent, who treated me like I was worth something. Once, on Fathers Day, after my own father had blown me off and treated me like shit, Brent was two hours late to meet his own father because he sat in a resturant booth and listen to me sob and handed me napkins and made me feel loved.
I met Eric, who loved me enough to tell me when I was an idiot.
I met Dana, who made me feel useful, like I had something to offer.
I met Devin, who always listened.
I met Mavi, who just plain ole' cared.
I met God. In the form of Love. And Wisdom. And Peace. Perfect Peace.
I went from being a lost, broken little girl, to being a beloved child of the Creator.
I have no fear now. What can harm me?
I have purpose now. I know why I'm here.
I have an adopted family now. On that is everything a family should be.
Do you know what it feels like to be loved from the inside out?
I do.
I feel like I won the lotto, got my dream job, and fell in love.
There is such a thing as truth, and it does set you free, and it is free.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Compliment of the Week
Isho, I have you, the feel of watercolor paper and the line, "It was only a kiss" from The Killers, 'Mr. Brightside' all stuck in my head.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005
What I'd Miss If I Were...........

  • The way CoWorker, She of the Lovely Curls says in her Ecudorian accent, "What is this regarding about?"
  • Augie singing for no other reason than I turned the faucet on.
  • I wouldn't miss the sound of cell phones going off in the movies, but I would miss the hushed and hurried tones people use to get off the phone as fast as possible. "Hiyeahcan'ttalknow-what?-I'llhavetocal.......Hedidwhat?I'll call you ba.......... I'llcallyouback.I'minamovie.Thatactiononewithwhat'shisname.It'sok. I'llcallyoubacklater,ok?"
  • The sound of my blinker, which sounds like popping a snapple cap.
  • The song, "Storms in Africa" by Enya.
  • The soft rustle of wind in palm trees.
  • Crickets
  • The sound of board game pieces rattling in a box.


  • The way sun filters through tree leaves.
  • Pictures in fashion magazines of women with their shoes off, walking down an exotic beach, arm in arm with a local man.
  • The exact pattern of freckles on JR's arm.
  • Painting my toes with glittery nail polish.
  • Seeing the remsemblance between babies and their parents.
  • Doing quick checks in the mirror to see if I've spilled anything on myself.
  • Watching someone's fingers glide over the strings of a guitar.
  • Finding where someone made notes in a old book.
  • Balance. (My inner ears have been screwed up my whole life, and my balance is 90% visual.) When I close my eyes, I tend to fall over. Without my sight, I'm sure I'd fall over A LOT.
  • The sheen of polished wood.
  • The satisfying sight of a cupboard crammed with cans of soup.


  • Having everyone understand me.
  • Trying to request a song you don't remember the name of, and not being able to hum the chorus either.
  • Being able to talk with my hands full. (On the upside, I'm sure no one would care if talked with my mouth full.)
  • Making that 'oooooh' and 'awwwww' sound over presents at a babyshower.
  • Striking up conversations with most strangers.
  • Singing while I cook.


  • Touching people's hands while we talked.
  • Dancing in the kitchen.
  • Sex (Which I know would still technically be possible, but you know what I mean. Being an active participant, so to speak.)
  • Mixing dough with my hands.
  • Jumping on the bed.
  • Swinging my feet until my flipflops just barely almost fell off.
  • Washing dishes. It's very zen.
  • That lovely feeling right after you're stretched.
  • Flipping a backpack up onto my shoulder.
  • Climbing trees. Yes, I still do that. What? Oh, shut up, I am NOT too old.

I like this.

Monday, May 02, 2005
Another Actual IM Conversation
ValancyJane says:
I feel like I'm on the verge of a great epiffany.

'Mookie says:
Maybe the spelling of epiphany?

Oops. Sorry, little dude.
So my bird, Eden?
Yeah, she's actually a HE.
Henceforth, he will be refered to as Augustine Valente Montague. Or 'Augie'.

Spinning in the Lobby Today is - David Maracle
He's a Native American, and he plays the flute beautifully. IM me and I'll send you some.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
Friday Night - Garlic and New Clothes, but not in that order.
Did you know that something can taste more garlicly than garlic? Don't believe me? Go eat anything at Buca de Bepo. Or lick my skin, I'm sure the distilled garlic is still seeping from my pores. You gotta love it's 'family style resturant' atomsphere, I think our waitress was 9 1/2 months pregnant. Really. And somehow, I managed to bring home more in leftovers than I ordered. Not sure how that happened, but ok.
Friday night, before dinner, I managed to drop far more money at Old Navy than I thought I would ever want to spend. I've never really liked Old Navy that much. But then they put bright yellow coats and the worlds most perfect little black dress on sale. ON SALE, people. Who knew I'd find stuff I LOVED at Old Navy? I certainly didn't. Stuff I LIKED, sure. Old Navy is were you go to find sensible knit tops and khakies. Not to find a dress you worship and adore. The world is a'changing, people.

Sat. - The Worlds Longest Breakfast and a Moonlit Drive. In that order, obviously.
I [heart] Bunny. Who else could I go to breakfast with until 2pm? It was lovely. There was this cute little girl in the booth next to me wearing one of those 'you dressed yourself today, didn't you honey?' outfits. Pink camoflage frilly skirt, black and silver sparkly top, pink knit hat and black boots. It was too cute. I may wear the same outfit tomorrow, but it probably won't look as cute on me.
Then I lounged around with my adorable boyfriend until about five, and drove up to Ramona to hang with Jessica, who might now be reading this (Hi Jessica!), and eat chips and red meat and explode eggs in the microwave. Jessica, dear, you really do know how to feed people. I even got to play with her puppy. And she's just the right sort of dog, playful, with big, 'almost-but-not-quite-grown-into' puppy paws. I'm so dog-starved, I WANT one. Maybe I'll just rent one on the weekends.
Then I drove home in the moonlight, listening to the mix cd Jonny sent me. It was such a lovely moment.

Sunday - How I gave away the rest of my money.
After church, JR and I went shopping. I went to Borders, and managed not to buy anything! That's a first. Then I bought an alarm clock. I usually wake up without any alarm, but I like having music come on to float me out of bed. Then we went to Walmart (yes, I'm ashamed) where I bought a cd, raisins and some craft paper, amoung other things. It disturbs me that I can buy that all in one store.
Then I went home and did some watercolor doodles on a letter to Isho. That was such fun. Isho, hurry and give me your address so I can send it, so that you can write back, so that I can write you back and do more watercolor doodles, ok? HURRY. I'm stifled artistically until you do.

Quote of the Day
Rezzie - "They did a study. I'm not sure how they came to that conclusion, exactly, but it's the same feeling; eating ice cream feeling = winning money feeling. And you know how chocolate = sex for many women. Do you suppose eating chocolate ice cream feels like what it's like to be a prostitute?"

I know it's a little early on a Monday for math, but try this.
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?