"Live Bait Pet Shop"

Sarah Smile - "Oh god."

My Nick - "I saw that too. Don't worry, though. I looked carefully, and they're two SEPARATE establishments."

Sarah Smile - "Whew."

So then I said ....

"You know, that's the second time this week I've seen EMTs parked outside that pizza place. So either they REALLY like their pizza, or that place kills people."

Death and Taxes, preferably in that order.

Last night I started doing my own taxes.

This is big.

For me, this is big.


The last time I attempted to do my own taxes, I tried to do them online and messed them up so badly that I was actually banned from doing them online again for the next three years.

You didn't know that could happen, did you?

I'm special.

There is an element of sheer wrongness to this photo, which was prolly unintended by the photographer and stylist.

It just doesn't seem appropriate. Like wearing a wedding dress on an airplane.

I'm gonna check this place out before I go.

A man just came in and gave me a stack of these.



This isn't going to be like the free mammogram van at the mall, is it?

Sure. Hit 'em in the head with a 2x4.

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [Company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Caller - "I'd like to speak with someone about getting an employee injury approved."

*pause*

Sarah Smile - "I really hope you mean treatment ......"

My stomach hurts .........

....... and I just noticed that I'm making the exact same noise as the lawnmower being pushed around by a maintenance guy out front.

The thing about Myspace ...

....... is that it allows you to see exactly how many of your ex-boyfriends have since come out.

Quick, someone tell me that this has nothing to do with me being a poor representative of the female gender, or my fate as a Jewish woman, but rather something along the lines of me being the sort of person who makes people feel safe in themselves, and that our time together inspires them to be who they really are.

Hmmm. Actually, I buy that.

No really.

Ok, nevermind, I'm good now.

Thank you!

It would make a great Twilight Zone Episode.

Every morning, as we pull out of our driveway, Nick and I see a group of older men taking their morning walk. It started with just two guys, but they've added a guy every week or two.

Sarah Smile - "They've been at five members for awhile now. Time to add a new guy, I think."

My Nick - "I wonder who they'll add."

Leader of the Grandpa Brigade - *does an odd summoning wave at Nick as we drive away*

Sarah Smile - "Did you just see that?"

My Nick - "I think I'm going wake up at five o'clock tomorrow morning with a strange urge to put on grey sweatpants and white sneakers, and go for a walk."

Sarah Smile - "And find you've grown a big grey beard overnight."

Bad, Sarah. BAD.

Is it terrible that I would watch this?

That I find this really, really funny?

*crickets chirp*

So, yeah then?

Ok, I'm ashamed of myself now.

*smoothers snickers*

Yeah, my hands are shaking a little.

A crazy man called, demanding our janitor. He was yelling and rude. He identified himself only as Dave and that he was "from your electrical repair company" And when I couldn't get a hold of our janitor to put him on the line and offered to take a message, he got even louder.
I asked him to stop yelling.
He said "YOU'RE MAKING ME YELL!!!!!!!!
I WANNA STRANGLE YOU *muffled, either the word "THROUGH" or "WITH"* THE PHONE CORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


So yeah. My first official death threat.

The VP is trying to figure out who this guy is. I'm just nervous that he'd show up here, since he would know where we are if he really has subcontracted here. And while I don't want to be over dramatic, something in his voice makes me wanna take him seriously.

Anybody wanna sleep over at my place tonight?

Dear New Guy,

Please, try not to lean in quite so close when you ask if there are any showers in the building, and try not to look quite so disappointed when I say no, that there aren't any.
I'm trying not to judge you on first impression, and you're making it difficult.


Quite sincerely,

Your Friendly Local Lobbyist.

Maybe I was hallucinating.

"Wait. Why do I have five corner pieces for this square puzzle?"

Lets just pay for our oil change and go.

It's a wee bit unnerving when a mechanic bursts in from the garage holding some random car part and says to the man behind the counter, "Is that Audi gone? I found this part from it."

It can't be a good sign.

You know you've established your reputation as a clumsy person when someone sees you carrying two sheets of paper and a cup of coffee, and asks, wide-eyed, if you need help.

Flu Report

Today I hacked up flem that splattered across the tissue in exactly this shape.

Which turns out to be my name in Chinese.

I don't know what it's a sign of, but it's obviously a sign of something.




On a completely unrelated note, while searching on myspace for an old high school friend, I found this picure, which is not my friend, but which I dearly love, mostly because of the collective four eyes in this picture, none of them seem to be focusing on the same thing.

DayQuill Is My Holy Water.

Yeah, I'm still sick. As is my sexy Knickers.
It's this horrid, lingering, coughing all night, hacking-our-respective-lungs-out sort of cold.

I'm so ready to be done with it.
This morning in the shower I was coughing nasty gobs of snot, most of which resembled pea soup, or this guy.


It wasn't until I hacked up what appeared to be the southwestern Native American deity Kokopelli, that I realized this might not be so much a cold as a demonic possession.