I was 17 before I learned you're supposed to spit out toothpaste too.

Sarah Smile - "Here. I wasn't sure what to get you for your sore throat. Is this good?"

My Nick - "Sure, thanks." *reads the instructions on the side of the bottle* "Ok, so I just spray it in the back of my mouth, then spit it out...."

Sarah Smile - "You're supposed to spit it out??"

My Nick - "That's what it says."

Sarah Smile - "Maybe this is what's wrong with me."

What does it feel like to not be sick?

I've forgotten.

Also, today would have been a perfect day to play hooky. The forecast is 80 whole sunny degrees, not a lot of tourist traffic. I wish I were on the monorail at the Wild Animal Park. Or watching the baby seals down in La Jolla Cove. Or feeding the fish at Balboa Park.

Alternative Medicine.

Wanna help me feel better?

Here's a simple way, inspired by Colsy.
Make your very own Sarah Smile Paper Voodoo Doll!


Dress me in my pretty dress, tuck me in to watch Days of Our Lives, let me soak in a pot of chicken broth. Whatever your favorite cold remedy is.

I would really appreciate it.

Must have been the nail polish.

Sarah Smile - "So, there won't be any interactions between this and my other prescriptions?"

Pharmacist - "No, it'll be ok, hun. Now this one here? It'll make you very sleepy, so don't take it right before school, ok hun?"

Sarah Smile - "Uh, work. Not school. But thank you."

Pharmacist - "Really?"

Sarah Smile - "Dude. I drove myself here. My date of birth is on the bottle you're handing me."

Pharmacist - "Oh. *looks* OH."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah. But thanks."

Pharmacist - "Hope you feel better, ma'am."

How I spend my Friday off.

Sleeping.

I've been sick for over a month. I've been on antibiotics for over a week. I've been in the ER once. I'm on three prescriptions. There is no sign that this is something more serious than a cold.
I should be feeling better, right?

Wrong.

And I'm convinced that my medications are not designed to cure me, they're designed to put me to sleep, to Rip-Van-Winkle-me until the year 2159, at which point they will discover a cure for the common cold.

I don't wanna be sick anymore.

No cold should outlast three boxes of tissues.

Alternative Medicine.

I think if someone bought me these boots, it would cure my cold.












Or this purse.
















Or this necklace.
















Or these sheets on the left.











Or this kimono.















Or this sweater.


















Or these shoes.



















You know what else I think will work?

Toast and Thai soup.
Nick kisses on my face.
Mau whisker-tickles.
My feather pillows.
The movie Roman Holiday.
Wearing my giant sombrero.
Comments? I know it's comment-whoring, and I try not to do that. But my body is all jacked up at the moment, and I'm just sick and tired of being sick.
Tell me I'm pretty?

Ways to make cold medicine more palatable.

Pills -

Grind them up and shake them into a bag of Cheetos.
Put them into a bowl of JellyBelly Every Flavor Beans. Half of those taste like crap anyway.
Dissolve them in water, then soak pencil erasers in it.

Cough Syrup -

Mix it with RedBull, and serve it in a martini glass, in a dark club.
Drizzle it over a slice of cheesecake.
Dehydrate it down into a fruit roll-up.

So then I said .....

....... to the tissue, "Wow. The body isn't supposed to produce anything that comes in the color scheme of neon."

I couldn't take another episode of the Tyra Banks Show

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Supplier - "You still sound sick, hun."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah."

Supplier - "You should be at home."

Sarah Smile - "I thought about it. But there was no way I could deal with any more daytime tv, and my VCR is on the fritz. So I came in."

So then I said....

.......... "You know what I think? I think that by blowing my nose, I'm just clearing up space for new production. I think if I stopped and said to my sinuses, 'That's how much space you have, make it work,' they'd produce less snot. By blowing my nose I was just enabling the snot."

My New Grocery Store

Sat morning found me shuffling into the grocery store just down the street from us, in need of cold medicine. And unlike the commercial, none of the boxes greeted me, and told me they were MY Robitussin.
Maybe that only happens after you drink a whole bottle. (Which I might add, after spending my weekend in a Robitussin-induced coma, really does NOT sound like fun. I know it's all the rage with the kids, but I fail to see the appeal. After taking just the regular dose, I felt like someone had hung weights from every available point on my body, and I yawned so hard it HURT. Apparently, I cannot hold my 'tussin.)

But while the Robitussin did not greet me, everyone else in the store did. You know how in dream sequences, were people imagine they're in heaven, and everyone greets them with a benevolant smile and warm words? It was like that, except they didn't know my name.

The florist, the butcher, the stockboys, everyone called out a hello like we were old friends.
It was creepy as hell, but also nice.

Flu Report

Today I hacked up flem that splattered across the tissue in exactly this shape.

Which turns out to be my name in Chinese.

I don't know what it's a sign of, but it's obviously a sign of something.




On a completely unrelated note, while searching on myspace for an old high school friend, I found this picure, which is not my friend, but which I dearly love, mostly because of the collective four eyes in this picture, none of them seem to be focusing on the same thing.

People are so nice to me.

Even when I'm a whiny, sniffly brat.

Nick especially. All this week, as my cough got worse, the Whinies got worse as well.
He's been such a saint about putting up with me. I recognize how annoying my constant whining must be, and I really am trying to fight it.

But I've currently got a full-blown, nasal, high-pitched, the-whole-world-is-against-me case of the Whinies.

I mean, I do have some justification for it. The construction crew (the ones that gave me attitude yesterday, grrrrrr) didn't cover my desk last night while they widened a doorway. The part of the wall that is now additional door space was all over my desk this morning.
In powder form.
Like crack or snow, just not as much fun.
Seriously great for my cough.
Also, the dust they kicked up is now floating in the air and settling on my hands, forearms and neck. I'm allergic to dust.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

*tries to pulls self together*

Owner with a Sense of Humor said he's got tequila, for my cough or my Whinies or something. And the warehouse manager made a special trip over to give me another canned air duster.

No better treatment for the Whinies than people being ridiculously nice to me. Now if somebody would just give me this pet, I think I'd be entirely cured.

This Is Totally What I Get For Taking An Unlabeled Pill That Coworker, She Of The Lovely Curls Said Was "For Coughing."

And by "this" I mean "stoned off my ass."

DayQuill Is My Holy Water.

Yeah, I'm still sick. As is my sexy Knickers.
It's this horrid, lingering, coughing all night, hacking-our-respective-lungs-out sort of cold.

I'm so ready to be done with it.
This morning in the shower I was coughing nasty gobs of snot, most of which resembled pea soup, or this guy.


It wasn't until I hacked up what appeared to be the southwestern Native American deity Kokopelli, that I realized this might not be so much a cold as a demonic possession.

Because I Needed Another Excuse To Spend The Entire Weekend In My New Bathtub.

Now I'm sick. That chesty, coughy sort of sick.
Oye, this week is trying to KILL me.

But I have many weapons in my arsenal to fend it off with, including my cuddly kitties and the new Wonder Tub.

The Wonder Tub is amazing. In fact, the bathroom is the nicest room in the house. But the Wonder Tub isn't just pretty. It's veryvery kind and sweet to me. The Wonder Tub loves me. The Wonder Tub has whirlpool jets and bubbles. And armrests. And a faucet I can move with my toes. That's important.

It's all white and zen and womb-like. And if you need me this weekend, that's where I'll be, surrounded by books and wine bottles.