Not everything in life is a joke.

But sometimes it feels that way.

I know that joking around on your dental insurance forms probably isn’t a good idea, but with questions (set ups?) like “Primary language” (None, puppy dog eyes, total and complete lies!) and “Communication impairments”(Suspicious, oversensitive to criticism, tendency to interrupt) how am I supposed to resist?

Question.

Has anyone ever died from cramps?

Just wondering.

Tell Knickers I love him, and that we're low on cat food.

"Does this plan cover brain damage caused by ridiculously long meetings?"

I wanted to ask, but I suspect she would have assumed it was a legitimate question, and then the meeting would have been longer.

I swear I think the left half of my brain is numb.
It literally feels numb.
More numb than my ass.
I feel so much dumber than when I went in.
*jiggles*
Maybe this will bring the feeling back.

And if that's a dumb idea, blame the meeting.

Could I get a doctors note, addressed to the internet?

I know, I sorta disappeared from the blog-o-sphere yesterday.
I didn't die or run out of things to say (ha!).

I had to take my poor Knickers to the doctor. He's ok, or rather he will be very soon. Turns out he had strep, poor guy. He's been living on Popsicles and tomato soup for the past two days. He's at home again today because he's still contagious, but he seemed to be feeling a lot better this morning.

So yay(!) for that, and yay(!) for being back!


Oh, and our pharmacist looks exactly like Jamie Kennedy. I'm still not sure it isn't him. It's really unnerving when you're sick. I keep thinking he's going to hand us a bottle with a skull on it, just as cameras swoop in on you as you're sniffling and wearing slippers.

I've been attacked.

It was just like they always warn us on Dateline.

I was in the grocery store parking lot, getting into my car, when I got a sharp blow to the back of my head, throwing my face into the doorframe of the car.

And again, just like they always say, I knew my assailant.

And that is why I'm able to draw the following sketch from memory.

Please, if you spot the culprit, please call.

My stomach hurts .........

....... and I just noticed that I'm making the exact same noise as the lawnmower being pushed around by a maintenance guy out front.

Jonny is always so helpful.

Sarah Smile:
My head hurts.
I think I'm getting a migraine.

Jonny:
Need a spare head?

Sarah Smile:
Yes, thank you, if it's not too much trouble.

Jonny:
I'll see what I've got in the cupboard.
Hmm, how about the head of a 19th century travelling opium saleswoman?
The head of a cavewoman?

Sarah Smile:
I think the opium saleslady head.
The cavewoman might have bushy eyebrows.

Jonny:
Please don't get the wrong impression of me now you know I have a collection of women's heads in my cupboard.

Sarah Smile:
*shrugs*
Of course not

Jonny:
They're spare. Never been used.

Sarah Smile:
As I have just proven, they're handy to have around.

Jonny:
I didn't behead anyone for them.
Straight from the manufacturer.

Sarah Smile:
*nods*
I believe you.
But then, I sell opium.

All I can say is that it was my own fault.

I have a bruise on the very top of my head. From a wine bottle cork.

I don't want to talk about it.

Hee.

I'm kidding of course about the vodka. I self-medicate with pets.

Engineer - *surveys the lobby* "At least you've got a great view."

Sarah Smile - "What do you mean, 'at least'? There are so many great things about my job. I love it."

Engineer - "Well, you gotta put up with guys like me."

Sarah Smile - *shrug* "Eh. There's always vodka for that."

It's ART, people.

My Nick - *out of the blue, excited* "Hey. Luca's asleep. Let's write on him!"

Sarah Smile - "Ha! I love you."

My Nick - "Let's draw a penis. On his penis."

Sarah Smile - "Did you swallow the chloraseptic spray?"

I was 17 before I learned you're supposed to spit out toothpaste too.

Sarah Smile - "Here. I wasn't sure what to get you for your sore throat. Is this good?"

My Nick - "Sure, thanks." *reads the instructions on the side of the bottle* "Ok, so I just spray it in the back of my mouth, then spit it out...."

Sarah Smile - "You're supposed to spit it out??"

My Nick - "That's what it says."

Sarah Smile - "Maybe this is what's wrong with me."

Alternative Medicine.

Wanna help me feel better?

Here's a simple way, inspired by Colsy.
Make your very own Sarah Smile Paper Voodoo Doll!


Dress me in my pretty dress, tuck me in to watch Days of Our Lives, let me soak in a pot of chicken broth. Whatever your favorite cold remedy is.

I would really appreciate it.

Must have been the nail polish.

Sarah Smile - "So, there won't be any interactions between this and my other prescriptions?"

Pharmacist - "No, it'll be ok, hun. Now this one here? It'll make you very sleepy, so don't take it right before school, ok hun?"

Sarah Smile - "Uh, work. Not school. But thank you."

Pharmacist - "Really?"

Sarah Smile - "Dude. I drove myself here. My date of birth is on the bottle you're handing me."

Pharmacist - "Oh. *looks* OH."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah. But thanks."

Pharmacist - "Hope you feel better, ma'am."

How I spend my Friday off.

Sleeping.

I've been sick for over a month. I've been on antibiotics for over a week. I've been in the ER once. I'm on three prescriptions. There is no sign that this is something more serious than a cold.
I should be feeling better, right?

Wrong.

And I'm convinced that my medications are not designed to cure me, they're designed to put me to sleep, to Rip-Van-Winkle-me until the year 2159, at which point they will discover a cure for the common cold.

Maybe I'll set them out in my new specimen cup, for everyone.

You know how when you leave the hospital, they give you a packet of papers?
Mostly stuff that relates to why you're there, but then there are the obligatory ones they just give to everyone. The Don't Smoke one, the How To Properly Install A Car Seat one.
But after I left, I noticed that between those and the packet on how to write a living will (which we requested because we'd finished all the magazines in sight and were insanely bored) there was also a prescription for vicodin.

It just confirmed my suspicion that vicodin is the party favor drug of the ER.



Also, while reading the packet on the living will said you could be very specific about what parts of your body you want to donate, and to what purpose, such as transplant or research.
Nick suggested he donate his penis for transplant.
I thought the woman in the waiting room who'd plucked out her eyebrows might like mine.

We're givers.

He's got my back.

*waiting for prescriptions at the pharmacy*

Sarah Smile - *walks over to blood pressure machine, steps up on platform, inserts arm in cuff and presses 'start'*

BP Machine - *loudly* "Please enter your approximate height."

Sarah Smile - *enters 5'3*

My Nick - "Honey?"

Sarah Smile - "Hmm?"

My Nick - "That machine is about to announce your weight."

Sarah Smile - "Holy mother of God." *vaults off the machine* "Thank you, baby."

I don't wanna be sick anymore.

No cold should outlast three boxes of tissues.

Hospital Swag.

At some point the nurse asked me for a urine sample, to be collected as soon as I felt the urge to go. She left me with a labeled specimen cup and a clear bag with the orange biohazard sticker.

Later, for other reasons, they used a catheter (and lets never speak of that) and so the cup was never put to use.

When I got home, I realized that I still had the cup and biohazard baggie in my purse.

I promised the bag to My Nick, for him to take his lunch to work in, but I'm not sure what to do with the specimen cup. It's slightly too small for a coffee cup.

Other than keeping mints in it, in my purse, I'm not sure what the best use for it would be.
Suggestions?

It doesn't surprise me at all.

*in the hospital*

Vampire Nurse - "Ok, you vere good, you dinnot flinch."

Sarah Smile - *looking everywhere but at her arm on the tray, and vials of blood slowly filling up*

My Nick - *squeezes hand* "Hey."

Sarah Smile - "Hmmm?"

My Nick - "Your blood is green."

Sarah Smile - "That doesn't surprise me, and I'm still not going to look."

Things that Would Look Good in Our Living Room.

*in the waiting room of the ER, hour three*

My Nick - "I'm SO bored."

Sarah Smile - "Lets see who can steal the largest item in this room. I'm thinking that end table over there."

My Nick - "Actually, I was thinking, of that old woman in the wheelchair over there."

Sarah Smile - "She's alone, poor thing, and looks very medicated. I bet if you called her Nana, she'd just go with it."