I even know what I would name it.

Systems Engineer - "So I know what sort of car you should drive."

Sarah Smile - *thinking 'please say ice cream truck'*

Systems Engineer - "Have you ever seen the movie Dumb and Dumber?"

Sarah Smile - "The dog car?"

Systems Engineer - "Yeah! You really should do that to your car."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah, but then your insurance company has to re-evaluate your car and your payment can go up."

Systems Engineer - "Really? Wait. Why do you know that?"

Sarah Smile - "I looked into it." *deep sigh*

I've been attacked.

It was just like they always warn us on Dateline.

I was in the grocery store parking lot, getting into my car, when I got a sharp blow to the back of my head, throwing my face into the doorframe of the car.

And again, just like they always say, I knew my assailant.

And that is why I'm able to draw the following sketch from memory.

Please, if you spot the culprit, please call.

Within a couple of blocks.

I have this theory that there is far more fascinating things within a few blocks of one's house than one realizes, until you walk around it on foot.

Driving doesn't count.

You're never going to find flowers growing through cracks in the sidewalk while you're driving.

You're not going to talk to the fat old dog who seems so anxious to prove that he's still tough and intimidating that you reassure him that you'd never come in his yard, mostly just to soothe his feelings.

You're not as likely to wander down a sidestreet, following a yard sale sign on a whim, and finding a pair of gold(ish) elf slippers, which fit perfectly, for a mere $0.50.

Or to notice that plastic duck statues in the neighbor's yard are the size of labradors.

Or make the aquintaince of a nonsensical little blue that sprawls over the side of a hill with no rhyme or reason, just like houses in your dreams.

Or that half of the oranges on a neighbor's tree are plastic. What exactly are they trying to do? Show off?

Or that Luca is always happy when he recognizes home, but seems entirely turned around and confused that you're approaching the house from a different direction that whence you left. "How did the house get over HERE?"


What's within a couple blocks of your house?

What's next? A moose? A polar bear?

Honestly, I would have been less surprised by a stampede of unicorns.

I can't help but suspect that My Nick is behind this somehow. I mean, he's a Whisker, and that's where these things are made, right? In Wisconsin?

This is califreakinfornia.

Ok, so yesterday I'm driving the, like, half, maybe a whole mile from my office to Nick's office. The quick little back way from one office park to another is through a back canyon, which has a driving range and a cemetary. And what do you think stumbles in front of my car?

An illegal immigrant returning to his camp in between gardening jobs?

A hippie liberal war protester with face paint and signs?

A six foot long rattlesnake?

No. All of those things I would have been prepared for. They've all jumped in front of my car before. (Except in the case of the rattlesnake, which didn't so much jump as just pick a really bad time and place to sun itself.)

A DEER.
I almost hit a DEER.

What the hell?
We don't have deer.
Well, ok, I've seen deer twice before in this state in my whole entire life. That includes my teenage years, riding my horse out on trails. So I suppose we technically have deer, but it's not like you SEE them. Certainly not while on paved roads.

At first, I thought it was a dog, and when I realized what had just narrowly missed my front bumper, I pulled over to take pictures, and also to chase it and hug it and squeeze it and beg it to come and live with me forever.

It (I think "it" was a "she" but I'm basing that only on the fact that it looked more like Bambi's mother than Bambi's father, because that's my only frame of reference when it comes to deer) stopped on the other side of the road, and calmly started grazing on the cemetary grass.

Since my camera batteries chose this moment to completely crap out on me, I shall have to recreate the surreal scene.

Later, I found tortilla in between my boobs.

Sarah Smile - *licking steering wheel while driving in rush hour traffic* "Usually burritos are great driving food, but man, that one was messy."

My Nick - *hands me a napkin from the bag*

Sarah Smile - "Wait, this whole time, there were napkins?" *wipes cheese from behind her right ear*

Lets just pay for our oil change and go.

It's a wee bit unnerving when a mechanic bursts in from the garage holding some random car part and says to the man behind the counter, "Is that Audi gone? I found this part from it."