It'll be good to catch up with them.

Salesguy J - *looks out the windows at the rain* "Did you call somebody to get this turned off and moped up?"

Valancy Jane - "Yeah, I called the property management, and they're sending someone right over they said ......"

Salesguy J - "Oh good."

Valancy Jane - "..... but I think they're from county mental health."

I’m like a priest. Well, not at all, really, only in the way that everyone confesses to a priest. Otherwise, I’m very un-priest-like.

Why does everyone at work tell me EVERYTHING?

I mean, I know the answer to that question, and it’s that for three years I’ve maintained a pretty much perfect record of not gossiping, of being a good listener, and being discreet.

And I won’t pretend that I’m not, as Edith Wharton puts it in The Age of Innocence, “fully aware that [my] reputation for discretion increased [my] opportunities of finding out what [I] wanted to know.”

It’s has come in handy on rare occasion. But by and large, I don’t want to know.

What is it exactly that I know?

Lots of things. Everything short of where the bodies are buried. Straight from the horses mouth. Stuff that would make you say “Wow” and you don’t even know the people in question.

And most days it’s fine, but today is one of those rare days when I’m dying to spill.

End rant. I’m ok now.

"Pajama Jammy Jam"

That's the official name of our pajama day here at work today.


And it's funny really.
I've written before about Pajama Days and how much I love them and wish there were more of them.
I was really excited about Pajama Day here at work.

But now that we're all here, it's awkward. Too ........... intimate. Not that anybody is wearing anything sexy or inappropriate. To the contrary, really. It's like, slumber party-wear. What you wear when you have houseguests. You know, the slightly cleaned up version of what you really sleep in. The version where you're fully covered and everything matches. Where you dig out the matching (to the pjs AND to each other) slippers, instead of the dirty and cat hair covered comfy ones you usually wear.

But even that is a view of my coworkers that I've never had. That I'm happy to never have of some of them.

It would almost be better to have a naked day. At least then I could get a few snickers in before I avert my eyes.

"Does this plan cover brain damage caused by ridiculously long meetings?"

I wanted to ask, but I suspect she would have assumed it was a legitimate question, and then the meeting would have been longer.

I swear I think the left half of my brain is numb.
It literally feels numb.
More numb than my ass.
I feel so much dumber than when I went in.
*jiggles*
Maybe this will bring the feeling back.

And if that's a dumb idea, blame the meeting.

I never remember if it's "good morning" or "good afternoon."

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Caller - "Thank god it isn't morning anymore."

Sarah Smile - "Uh, yes. And I wanted you to think about that. I wanted us to all have reality check about how grateful we should all be that the day is progressing along nicely toward the time when we can all go home. I wanted us to take a moment and ponder the small blessings. That's what I was trying to do, and it certainly wasn't a mistake on my part. Yeah."

Spillover

People often ask me if I answer my cell phone with the same greeting that I use all day at work.
To which I always respond, "No, are you kidding? I never answer my cell phone."


But my work as a receptionist has definitely spilled over into my private life in lots of ways. Not the least of which is .....

1. I never answer my cell phone. I love my job, but by the end of the day, I'm soooooooooo done talking on the phone.
2. When I pick a new hair cut, I make sure it will look ok with a headset.
3. When I end a conversation with a person standing in front of me at my desk, I often hit the headset button, as if 'hanging up' on our conversation.
4. I use my phone voice, never to my friends, but to anyone I want to impress.
5. I get annoyed when people let their phones ring. It needs to answered, like a crying baby needs to be comforted.
6. Sometimes I answer other people's phone, because the ringing to me is like an insistent tapping and someone calling my name, all at once.
7. I never buy a pair of pants without sitting down in them and letting my gut out.
8. I never worry about whether or not my shoes are work appropriate, since nobody sees them anyway. I'm like a newscaster.
9. I've graduated past being "a good liar," to an artist who works in the medium of Lie.
10. I can talk on the phone with my mouth full and you'd never know it. PRACTICE, man. I've gotten lots of practice multitasking.
    

We have new suggestion boxes.

I wonder if this means I'm still banned.

Hee.

*mutters "office bunny" and "snuggles" as she jots down a list*

Actually, I WOULD still have a job. I just say that to sound badass. Is it working?

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Favorite Salesguy - "It's me, Peaches."

Sarah Smile - "HI! How are you?"

Favorite Salesguy - "Stuck in an airport. Elch."

Sarah Smile - "That sucks."

Favorite Salesguy - "I wish."

Sarah Smile - "Hahahahaha."

Favorite Salesguy - "I hope they don't record these calls."

Sarah Smile - "I'm going to say what a bus driver said to me once, when I pointed out a security camera after he asked 'Do you want to drive the bus?' He said, 'If they were recording, do you think I'd still have a job?'"

I'm so ruined for bitch about your job sessions.

Seriously, it's this bonding thing among friends, and I got nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

When everyone is talking about their boss's ridiculous rules or annoying habits, what am I supposed to say?


"When he hired me, my boss insisted on giving me more money that I asked for."

"My boss always reminds me to take my vacation time."

"My boss counsels married couples in his off time. For free."

"My boss gives me a raise about every six months."

"My boss surprises me sometimes with chunks of stock."

"My boss never bugs me, but drops everything and gives me his undivided attention if I need something."

"My boss rescues puppies."



I mean, seriously. Can't he at least have an annoying voice or something that I could make fun of? A often used phrase that I could do imitations of? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE. Every employee is entitled to that. Like health insurance.
This is so bad for my social life.

They make me a better receptionist.

Sarah Smile - "What's with all the books?"

Systems Engineer - "Just studying on being an SE."

Sarah Smile - "You ARE an SE."

Systems Engineer - "Yeah, just learning to be a better one."

Sarah Smile - "Oh, ok. I'm doing the same thing. I'm shopping for coloring books on Amazon."

It's a good motto, it's served me well.

Only Female Engineer and Really Tall Engineer - *in OFE's cubicle which sports a cardboard roof due to it's location under a hyperactive airconditioning unit*

Sarah Smile - "I forget the club password, but can I still come in?"

Really Tall Engineer - *does secret handshake*

Sarah Smile - "[OFE, you know what this Clubicle(TM) needs? Glow in the dark stickers. Star ones. I have some. I'll bring them in. OH! And glow in the dark pony stickers. I'll bring them in tomorrow! That'll be sweet!"

Only Female Engineer - "Actually, they're supposed to fix it today."

Sarah Smile - "What? Why? Wouldn't you rather have a Clubicle(TM) with glow in the dark pony stickers? If it gets you a pony, don't fix it!"

Only Female Engineer and Really Tall Engineer - *laughs*

Sarah Smile - "You know, that's actually the second time in my life that that has been my motto."

The Foot-in-Mouth Monologues

"Oh [Customer Service Rep who works out of another office in another state and is visiting our main office for a few days], are you leaving already? Bummer! [Other Rep from that out of state office] called and asked if you were bugging me and I said, 'No, not nearly enough! He's been locked in a room for two days!' Come to think of it, that might have worried her. Oops. You might want to call her and make sure she knows that by 'room' I meant 'meeting.' With coffee and sandwiches and bathroom breaks. Not, like, 'broom closet.'"

Feeling Grateful.

So I discovered that our Plant Designer (who knew that was a job?) pitched a fit over my poinsettia, Captain Josef, and tried to drop him in the nearest trash can, and it was in fact My Homie in Marketing who intervened and promised I'd take him home the next day.

And that's NICE.
Because I do KNOW that I'm weird. I do KNOW that it wouldn't occur to anyone else that I could be genuinely attachted to a plant. And My Homie in Marketing is not at all the sort of person to be attachted to a plant.

And so I would have understood if nobody thought to speak up.

So it was one thing to be so considerate of my feelings.
It's another thing to remember such an odd little quirk of mine, something so foreign to their way of thought.
And it's another to remember it on the spot and be so persistant about it.

So while it was a rather minor thing, it showed a lot of consideration, and I'm going to write him a note telling him so. Using those poinsettia stickers leftover from Christmas.

I'm kidding of course about the vodka. I self-medicate with pets.

Engineer - *surveys the lobby* "At least you've got a great view."

Sarah Smile - "What do you mean, 'at least'? There are so many great things about my job. I love it."

Engineer - "Well, you gotta put up with guys like me."

Sarah Smile - *shrug* "Eh. There's always vodka for that."

Welcome to the Jungle!

Today we got a lobby full of new plants.

Also, we got a question answered.

Q - How long after Christmas can you keep a poinsettia on your desk without getting a very polite note on your monitor from My Homie in Marketing (who is responsible for keeping the place looking professional) that Captain Josef is "disrupting the feng shui of the lobby," and perhaps he could retire to a nice sunny kitchen window?

A - 67 days.


I must confess that I understand, and Captain Josef will be retiring from public service today. It's ok. It's time. I'll give him a nice gold watch.

Meet the new lobby plants. I've always said this lobby was a greenhouse, it was just missing it's plants. Missing no longer.
Some of the pictures are a bit overexposed, and oddly cropped, because I'm trying to avoid company logos, and a subsequent doocing. It was hard, since what doesn't have a logo on it, is shiny and reflects one. Bare with me. And feel free to suggest names for the plants.

The denizens of my desk and I? We feel right at home, here in the jungle.

See why I enjoy working with him?

Gal in Accounting - "When did they frost the glass doors to the briefing center?"

My Homie in Marketing (who is in charge of the remodel of the briefing center) - *deadpan* "They didn't. I think someone's in there."

A typical Conehead moment.

He brought me a bouquet of bananas.

Craft project!

So my favorite Weird Engineer stopped by my desk the other day, and we broke out some coloring projects. He took this paper doll -


- and colored it as a dead hooker.


I've cut it out, but now I'm not sure how to proceed.
Dead hooker puppet, perhaps make more for a dead hooker kick line?
Or a dead hooker mobile?

Choices, choices.

They were given, not earned. Just wanted to make that clear.

Sarah Smile - *walks past the break room, (relatively) normally attired*

Pair of Coworkers - *drink coffee*

Sarah Smile - *walks back by, wearing elaborate Mardi Gras beads*

Pair of Coworkers - "Wait. What happened to you?"

Sarah Smile - "[Conehead]."

Pair of Coworkers - "Oh. Of course."



We look forward to more Conehead stories here, although we hold out hope of Conehead getting his own blog.

I'm mostly decorative. Like the topless mermaids carved onto the prow of the ship.

Sarah Smile - *holding arms across stomach gingerly* ".... and this is for the courier who'll be here at four-thirty. I think thats everything. Thanks so much for covering, I'm gonna go home and die* in the privacy of my own bathroom now."

My New and Lovely Backup - "No problem girl. Get outta here and get some rest."

Sarah Smile - "If anything comes up, you can call me on my cell."

My New and Lovely Backup - "It'll be fine, I'm sure."

Sarah Smile - "I know, I know. I'm just trying to seem more vital than I am. Don't blow my secret."

My New and Lovely Backup - "It's safe with me."

*Obviously I didn't actually die. I had a migraine and the meds for it made me nauseous. So I left work early yesterday. I'm ok now.