So then I said ....

.... *gestures to her christmas-in-the-trailer-park-with-festive-flamingo pajamas*
In this competition, in most contests here at work, in life in general, really, I'm competing in the catagory of "Most Unique."

Confessions of the Chronic Interrupter.

" It's not that I stopped listening ......
.... it's just that I started talking."

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment." - Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
- AA Milne

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
- Robert Anton Wilson

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.
- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

Exit, pursued by a bear.
- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Stage direction in "The Winter's Tale"

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else.
- Cullen Hightower

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - )

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
- Theodore Sturgeon (1918 - 1985)

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), Valis

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman (1947 - )

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin (1937 - )

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
- Quentin Crisp

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
- Evan Davis

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
- Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
- Howard Aiken (1900 - 1973)

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
- Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
- Bill Watterson (1958 - ), Calvin & Hobbes

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote (1924 - 1984)

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (1900 - 1965), Speech in Detroit, 7 Oct. 1952

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
- Nick Diamos

So then I said ....

"You know, that's the second time this week I've seen EMTs parked outside that pizza place. So either they REALLY like their pizza, or that place kills people."

This sounds like Nick and I, respectively.

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.

- Robert Anton Wilson

I've always wanted to tattoo it in a spiral up my arm.

[Infinite Love] is a weapon of matchless potency.
It is the "summum bonum" of Life.
It is an attribute of the brave, in fact it is their all.
It does not come within the reach of the coward.
It is no wooden or lifeless dogma but a living and life-giving force.
It is the special attribute of the heart.

- Mahatma Gandhi -

From one of the three books floating around in my purse...

When a man is asleep, he has in a circle round him the chain of the hours, the sequence of the years, the order of the heavenly host. Instinctively, when he wakes, he looks to these, and in an instant reads off his own position on the earth's surface and the amount of time that has elapsed during his slumbers; but this ordered procession is apt to grow confused, and to break it's ranks. Suppose that, towards morning, after a night of insomnia, sleep descends upon him while he is reading, in quite a different position from that in which he normally goes to sleep, he has only to lift his arm to arrest the sun and turn it back in it's course, and, at the moment of waking, he will have no idea of the time, but will conclude that he has just gone to bed. Or suppose that he gets drowsy in some even more abnormal position; sitting in an arm-chair, say, after dinner: then the world will fall topsy-turvy from its orbit, the magic chair will carry him at full speed through time and space, and when he opens his eyes again he will imagine that he went to sleep months earlier, and in some far distant country. But for me it was enough if, in my own bed, my sleep was so heavy as completely to relax my consciousness; for then I lost all sense of the place in which I had gone to sleep, and when I awoke at midnight, not knowing where I was, I could not be sure at first who I was; I had only the most rudimentary sense of existence, such as may lurk and flicker in the depths of an animal's consciousness; I was more destitute of human qualities than the cave-dweller; but then the memory, not yet of the place in which I was, but of various other places where I had lived, and might now very possibly be, would come like a rope let down from heaven to draw me up out of the abyss of not-being, from which I could never have escaped by myself: in a flash I would traverse and surmount centuries of civilization, and out of a half-visualized succession of oil-lamps, followed by shirts with turned down collars, would put together by degrees the component parts of my ego.

Marcel Proust, Swann's Way.

A forewarded email.

By following the simple advice heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

He raises a valid point.

My Nick asked, "Why would anyone waste their time eating anything else besides cream corn?"

And the only explanation I can think of is that they're eating jalepeno poppers. Or these new eggplant cutlets I got from Trader Joes, "breaded (drowned?) in spices."

We love food. *licks fingers*

This distinction should come with a trophy!

I am the 11th search result under "batteries taste like happiness."

I must be friends with the person who did this search.

It totally sounds like something I would say. It sounds like a good title to my autobiography, really.

I'm also the 3rd search result for "'my little valley' cleavage" but ew. That does NOT sound like something I would say.

The Foot-in-Mouth Monologues

"Oh [Customer Service Rep who works out of another office in another state and is visiting our main office for a few days], are you leaving already? Bummer! [Other Rep from that out of state office] called and asked if you were bugging me and I said, 'No, not nearly enough! He's been locked in a room for two days!' Come to think of it, that might have worried her. Oops. You might want to call her and make sure she knows that by 'room' I meant 'meeting.' With coffee and sandwiches and bathroom breaks. Not, like, 'broom closet.'"

I said that "self-contained" was ad-speak for "small."

To which Jonny replied, "A house is only ever as big as your imagination."

They're less suspicious when I buy nothing but a jumbo pack of toilet paper.

So then I said to the clerk, "I swear, there IS a reason I'm buying all these onions."

Like Moses or Martin Luther King Jr.

"Be right back, I gotta go deliver the mail. FROM OPPRESSION."

We would know.

"Dorks have more fun.
They've got it all wrong: dorks.
Not blonds."

- 'Rezzie.

About the Beauty and the Geek finale last night.

I think Nate summed it up pretty well, when he said (after campaigning successfully for his team to lose), "It's probably a good thing that Cecile didn't win, it's better for the world."

Everything I know about life I learned from tea boxes.

"What is it about my daily rituals? Why such pleasure in repetition? Well, it occurs to me that I might just be practicing .... being me. Those cherished creaks in the old floorboards. The precise angle of the winter sun cheering my kitchen. Assembling ingredients for a dish I've made hundreds of times. A novel position my cats have adopted, lost in their midday dreams. Each nuance resonates with a kind of timeless wisdom, and I realize that it is these humble putterings - nothing fancier - that have allowed me, finally, to know myself."

- David Jacoby

He treasures us, in his afterthoughts.

Actual bumper sticker.

Jesus died for me!
(and you)

Maybe I was hallucinating.

"Wait. Why do I have five corner pieces for this square puzzle?"

This is why I love him.

"I think I could live on bean and cheese burritos."
- My Nick