"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment." - Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
- AA Milne

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
- Robert Anton Wilson

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.
- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

Exit, pursued by a bear.
- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Stage direction in "The Winter's Tale"

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else.
- Cullen Hightower

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - )

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
- Theodore Sturgeon (1918 - 1985)

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), Valis

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman (1947 - )

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin (1937 - )

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
- Quentin Crisp

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
- Evan Davis

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
- Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
- Howard Aiken (1900 - 1973)

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
- Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
- Bill Watterson (1958 - ), Calvin & Hobbes

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote (1924 - 1984)

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (1900 - 1965), Speech in Detroit, 7 Oct. 1952

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
- Nick Diamos