Ask Miss VJ

Dear Miss VJ,

So.... What special skills do I have?
I'm working on my resume for my audition tomorrow.

Help?

- Little Miss CJ





Dear Miss CJ,

You have so many special skills, so this is intended in no way to be a comprehensive list, just a few you might forget to add.

1. Pouting cutely. When I pout, I look like a belligerent cow. You look like a charming little duck. This is a skill.

2. Jazz hands. I'm seen you deploy them under all sorts of circumstances, while surprised, ill or that one time you were upside down. That is a skill.

3. A mean right jab. I should know, I taught you. It's a skill.

4. Wearing hats. You can. Which is a skill.

5. Act. Be sure to add that. It doesn't need an explanation either. They know it's a skill.


But most of all, just be your beautiful little lit-from-within self and they'll love you and adore you and want to roll you up in a burrito and eat you. Prolly cast you, too.

Adorably,
Miss VJ


*grimaces at the skull*

*whispers "Harry, are you ready for this love scene?"*


Next question, please!

Dear Miss VJ

Dear Miss VJ,

I've longed to write letters to people. I have stationary and current addresses, but how does one go about starting up a conversation after not having spoken with a relative or old friend for several years?

C.O.D.


*sits at a desk with oodles of cubbyholes*

*chews the end of a pen*


Dear C.O.D.,

I don't see why an explanation would be necessary. The fact that you wanna catch up on each other's lives would be fairly self-explanatory. Unless you last spoke on bad or strange terms, like an argument or restraining order, I would just write to them. People love getting letters.
Believe me, I know.

*wink*

Adorably,
Miss VJ


*adds a kiss mark to the end of the letter*

*spritzes the letter with perfume, then spritzes herself*


Next question, please.

Let's review the rules.

1. Nobody gets to be rude on the phone until at least 10 am on mondays. I think this is fair, and benefits everyone.

Cover Stories.

MK wants more interesting stories to tell than the truth about how she broke her ankle, and if anyone understands, it's me.
I always manage to injure myself in boring ways.
Ask me about the time I dislocated my knee at a football game. Sounds interesting, right? Nope. I was in the stands at the time. I just stood up wrong.


So, for MK, I suggest my favorite all-purpose lie.

"Shark attack."

How to Choose a Wine, Sarah Smile Style.

First off, a disclaimer.
While this system IS based on my own experience, I won't pretend to know what I'm talking about. I don't know much about wine, and I have no great sense of taste when it comes to a good wine versus a bad wine. (This makes me a cheap date, so yay!) I fully admit that I might enjoy the wines I pick, because the system of picking them was so much fun. But why does it matter why you enjoy a wine, as long as you do?

So what will this system do for you?

It's very easy to remember, it will make you look like you know what you're doing in the wine aisle, and it will get you out of the aisle quicker. (So more time for drinking, yay!)
No more wandering, glazed eyes, up and down the aisle, using price as your only indicator of quality, not knowing what to look for on the label, and generally looking ignorant as chic people brush past you and pick confidently.
And you end up either spending a fortune because you don't want to gamble on a mid-priced wine, or you end up sticking with one kind and never trying something new, which is probably the best way of actually developing taste and confidence in your wine choices.

So, good system or bad system, having one helps.
And here's mine.
Three steps.

One, look for an animal on the label.

Two, the less appetizing the animal on the label, the better the wine will be. For example, a wine with a crow or kangaroo on it will be better than a wine with a cow on it.

Three, if you still need to narrow it down, pick the wine that matches the decor of your house the best. This is perfectly acceptable because wine is a multi-sensory experience. Have you ever had a glass of wine that you didn't feel the urge to take a picture of? I haven't. And can you really TRULY enjoy a glass of wine if you're looking at something that offends your artistic sensibilities?
It's not a person, so it's perfectly acceptable to judge it by it's label.



And always remember, life is too short to worry if it's ok to like something.

More valuable a lesson than how to touch my foot to my ear. From three different angles.

Although I don't want to underestimate the worth of that lesson. At all. It's served me very well over the years.

But the most valuable thing I learned in all those years of ballet was how to take criticism.

Taking criticism comes about as naturally to me as having hips that face my kneecaps out as sideways as my ears. I sure as hell wasn't born with it, it took a lot of work to get that ability, but it stayed with me.

*flashback effect ripples across the screen*

I was nine years old, and bawling my eyes out, swearing I would NEVER go back to that class. It's funny how certain you can be of the word "NEVER" when you're nine. As you get older I think you learn not to use that word so much, that you'll be surprised how often you'll have to take it back, except that then as age thirty looms in the distance, it's beginning to slip back into my vocabulary, mostly in reference to certain types of liquor.

But I was CERTAIN then, with all the hormonal fuel of encroaching puberty. Miss Hatch was so hard on me, I could never get the steps right, there was ALWAYS something to fix, my fingers were too stiff, my chin was tilted wrong, my grand jetes were sloppy. NOBODY got as much criticism as me. I must be the worst dancer, and this was her way of telling me.

That week in the mail I got a card from my teacher. On the front was a beautiful sketch of a ballerina. Inside Miss Hatch told me that this was her favorite stationary, which she only used for her favorite ballerinas, because the drawing was of one of idols. A dancer who was very good and very famous, but not PERFECT. Because NOBODY was perfect. So I was in good company, she said.

And she went on to explain that she pushed me because she saw promise in me. Promise which she tactfully and roundaboutly implied she didn't see in just everyone. Suddenly pieces of the picture fell into a completely different layout. She thought I was GOOD, not hopeless.


It was then that I realized that in much the same way ballerinas practice in front of a mirror to get better, constructive criticism was someone's way of holding up a mirror to you and say, "I think you can do better." If they didn't see that potential in you, they wouldn't waste their time.
With a little nudge from someone who gives you that picture of yourself, you can stretch yourself in all sorts of way. Foot to ear, even.

And I keep that card, even to this day, displayed on the bookcase in the living room.
Because unlike the ass I had then, so firm you could bounce quarters off of it, this lesson is something I never want to loose.

Things You Should Never Do On A Rollercoaster

Attempt to tie your shoes.

Recite the Lords Prayer loudly.

Stick your tongue out.

Vomit.

Make out.

Yell "I'm jumping off!"

Jump off.

Jump on.

Wear flipflops.

Stuff your sweatshirt under your shirt and wonder if anyone will point out the "No pregnant women" sign.

Sit next to 7 year old boys who are holding a jumbo cotton candy.

Sit next to 7 year old boys who are advertising how much they're about to puke.

Think "I'll just hold it between my knees."

Think "I'll just hold it."

After the ride, tell the attendant your friend fell off.

Before the ride, hold a bolt in your hand and stare up at the coaster with a dazed expression.

Assume the back rows won't get wet.

Get off weeping, in full view of the people about to ride.

Pass out.





Do I know these things from experience? Perhaps.

Miss Cleo, The Amazing Fortune Telling Rat!

Dear Miss Cleo,

Please help! I have no idea where my life is headed this year! Only you can tell me.

A Pisces

Dear Pisces,
After staring intently into my blue exercise ball, I can tell you I definitely saw blue skies. Or whitish ones. That's the drawback of a blue tinted ball. At any rate, the sky will be there, and won't be falling.
I see your craft garden. Your crayon crop will come in well, the sequin trees will be free of blight, but take care when threshing the feathers.
This year, make the financial investment in a good pair of boots. They will come in handy at a VERY unexpected moment.
Late spring will be excellent time for a haircut, and coincidently, also a good time to embrace change. You could kill two birds with one stone there, if you choose.
Speaking of which, this is not a good year for killing birds, literally speaking. The race of birds is a bit testy this year. I suggest not letting the bird feeder stand empty for long.
Crackers will be your lucky snack, so while the moon is full, I suggest a cheese and cracker platter for any parties you might throw.
"No, not that one. Second from the left, that's it" will mean something important to you in the month of August.
When in doubt, just pretend to be a tourist, and all will be forgiven.
And this is very important. Write a letter to someone you don't know how to reach, and leave it in the crook of a tree. The squirrel will know what to do.

Have a great year, and check back with me if you have any questions. 'Cept about the letter. You know everything you need to about that.

-Miss Cleo

Ask Miss VJ

Dear Miss VJ,

What should I get the wifey for Christmas?

Signed, An Old Friend.



*looks at recent pictures of Old Friends adorable children*

*oooooooo's and ahhhhhs*


Dear Old Friend,

Pregnant.

Adorably,
Miss VJ


Next question, please.