Things to do while My Nick is away next week.

Dye Dulce to look like Mau, and dye Mau to look like Dulce. When Nick gets back, let him wonder at their change in personality.

Or, just dye one paw and say I had to do a transplant. (Despite what has been suggested, I do not actually know how to do this.)

Use eyelash glue to attach fake stitches and a bolt on either side of Mau's neck. Claim, while shifting eyes rapidly, that nothing happened.

Use eyelash glue to attach fake eyelashes to Dulce.

Get another cat. Edit old blog entries to include references to this cat, and claim I've always had it.

Dye my hair. Blond.

Cut it while I'm at it.

Have some new freckles tattooed on.

Hire an actor to play my "new husband," because "I got tired of waiting."

Hire a plumber to switch the hot and cold water taps in the bathroom.

Find a younger and smaller Great Dane with Luca's same markings, and claim Luca shrank when I washed him.

Cut a hole in the couch, stick one of my legs in it and tearfully tell him that I lost it in a tragic "cheesegrater accident."

Call him while he's away and tell him I was abducted by aliens. Have no memory of this when he returns. Act like a stepford wife.

Put the tv and couches in storage and turn the living room into an indoor tennis court.

Hire a contractor to change the shape of the two bedroom skylights from square to eye shaped and switch all the light switches from one to the other side of the door.

Switch from right to left handed.

Hem all his pants and move the pictures lower on the walls. Slump.

Mail myself a fake bill from the hospital, for "skin grafts."



Any other suggestions?