Listing!

Yesterday I unleashed a rant on my stepfather, Prophet Bob, since he hadn't complied with my repeated requests that he leave me alone and not send me emails that range from presumptuous to annoying.
(And yes, I know I can block his emails, and I will if he send one more, but I didn't want to have to do that. I want him to act like the adults we are, and to stop emailing me because he respects my wishes, not because he can't. I wanted that gesture of respect.)

Anyway, I hardly think he could miss the point after my last email. See, Bob had adopted a tone of leadership and authority with me, and I felt it did a disservice to the clarity of conversation to allow him to continue in the delusion that I saw him in that sort of role.
I disabused that notion with a vengeance in my email, I must admit, and I suspect that THAT is the real reason he'll stop emailing me, not because I asked, but hey, at this point, whatever works is fine by me.

In closing my email, I included a list of things he could do instead of emailing me, all of which would be more profitable uses of his time. I'm helpful like that. They ranged from sorting out his relationship with his own children to alphabetizing his CD collection, which I suggested alphabetizing by first name and not last, since so many singers drop their last names eventually. Seriously, see how helpful I am? I concluded with my hope that my list would inspire him to "see that there is such a big world of possibility out there, full of things to do that aren't emailing me!"

Bunny told me she loved my list, and wished she had a more generic version to frame and keep handy to refer people who were harassing her to. And so, for her and anyone else who is being harassed, I proudly present -

The Top Ten List of Things To Do that are More Profitable Uses of Your Time than harassing Me.

Hum to yourself. Find notes, sounds and beats that appeal to you. Put them together and presto! You have your very own THEME SONG! Yay! Now practice, practice practice!

Login all of your dollar bills to www.wheresgeorge.com Now write that website address on every dollar bill that passes through your hands. It's fascinating for the kiddies.

Expand your mind with illegal drugs, then paint what you see. Sell them at a sidewalk sale downtown.

Name your cell phone. Name it after me if you like, and tell it all the things you want to tell me. Make it a craft project if you like, in the style of Mister PotatoHead. Give the little phone-me six eyes and a giant unibrow.

Plant a tree. Plant several if you're really quick with a shovel. Plant a poison ivy hedge completely around yourself and water it well. Ornamental greenery and more oxygen for everyone!

Count the number of ceiling tiles in your office. Count again to make sure. Have a coworker count to double check. If you come up with differing amounts, Indian leg wrestle to determine the winner. Lastly, send out a memo announcing this number, in case anyone needed to know.

Frame OJ Simpson for murder.

Teach a parrot to sing the theme song from The Love Boat.

Feng shui your doctor's waiting room. Leave the parrot in your seat with your chart, and leave.

Go to a strawberry field and tell the migrant workers they can have the day off with pay. Pick strawberries until your fingers are bloody, or they just appear that way from the strawberry juice, which ever comes first.