As you know, the CEO has suggested that we all embrace our Inner Sarah, for a better work environment. I would like to add that most of you are welcome to embrace the regular Sarah as well.
Being Me is a process that begins early in the morning.
Shockingly, my rosy-glowing aura is not natural, nor as some have suggested, the result of a soup themos of cocaine.
I recommend a morning walk through a playground, not avoiding the monkey bars or the slides.
As much as possible, carpool with someone who's happy or at least willing to make out with you. Bookend your work day with kisses.
If the morning commute is stop and go, remember this is an excellent opportunity to dog-ear the naughty bits of a trashy romance novel.
For extra bounce in your step/hair, I suggest adding cake sprinkles to you coffee, and again no, this is not street slang for any sort of drug use. Being Sarah is about loving the tequila, at socially acceptable hours, not the blow. More on that later. And by "later" I mean after lunch, at the earliest.
And now for the phones lessons.
- Greet callers in a somewhat subdued voice, and after they state their name, raise the pitch of your voice an octave. This makes them feel special.
- If you make a mistake, lower your voice to a whisper while confessing it. People love secrets and now you've taken them from offendee to your co-conspirator.
- If someone is ranting, say nothing. Once it's tailed off, still say nothing. Wait for a direct question, don't respond to accusations ("I've called four times!") or observations ("I don't think he's ever at his desk.") This encourages the caller to calm down and focus on what you can do for them. ("Could you try his desk again?") Responding in any way keeps the pointless exchange going. Listen politely, waiting for an actual question mark.
Drink lots of water. Despite the joking (mostly by me) it is in fact just water in my green walrus-shaped bottle.
And speaking of my green walrus-shaped water bottle, surround yourself with things that make you smile. Unless what makes you smile is something offensive and/or disruptive, such as Dane Cook or pictures of poo.
Always get plenty for rest.
And remember, everyone likes to be said hi to. Unless they're reading a book.
If all of the above doesn't make you a more pleasant person to be around, or if you find that conferences are the easiest way to avoid actual work, I suggest my week long day camp. The schedule is as follows.
Monday
Morning - Sign in / Name Tag decoration.
Stickers, glitter and googley-eyes will be provided, no blinking lights allowed for pool safety reasons.
Afternoon - Computer Lab Mixer
Don't be shy, IM the cute guy/girl one row over. Show off your impressive collection of emoticons. Please wear your formal bedroom slippers.
Evening - PILLOW FIGHT!
Tuesday
Morning - The coffee pool will be open for swimming, along with our annual breakfast Burrito Competition. Prizes will be given for Firmest, Most Alcoholic, and Most Disguised Vitamins.
Afternoon - Food Coma. Lawn chairs will be provided. After light smoothies, there will a screening of old South Park episodes on our outdoor screen.
Evening - Twilight Bicycle Parade and Indian food. Floor pillows will be provided, please bring your own sari. Tiger striped cats will be on hand for petting.
Wendsday
Morning - We kick off our Circus theme day with an easygoing trampoline workout. Then you can pick the class of your choice, Juggling 101 or House Training Your Pet Lion.
Afternoon - After a lunch of international varieties of popcorn, you have your choice of afternoon classes. TieDye Your Cotton Candy or The Unicycle-Not Just for Commuting Anymore.
Evening - Sit back, relax, and enjoy the stunning pyrotechnics of the FireFly Circus.
Thursday
Morning - Wine tasting. What? You're on vacation. We'll meet on the back porch. Mingling and feeding the pigeons is encouraged.
Afternoon - A leisurely hot air balloon ride. Binoculars, biodegradable eco-friendly confetti, birdseed and trays of tiny sandwiches will be provided.
Evening - Rooftop stargazing/Makeout Party, an excellent time to make sure you have a date for the Last Night (Of The World) Party.
Friday
Morning - Float down the river in an old tire. BYOB.
Afternoon - We'll be meeting at the Craft House, which is the treehouse we are building entirely out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners and macaroni.
Evening - The traditional Last Night (Of The World) Party. Loot the snack bar, drink tequila, call your lover, and gather around the mother of all bonfires for lots of pyro fun!
Together, we can make our office look just like this.
Being Me is a process that begins early in the morning.
Shockingly, my rosy-glowing aura is not natural, nor as some have suggested, the result of a soup themos of cocaine.
I recommend a morning walk through a playground, not avoiding the monkey bars or the slides.
As much as possible, carpool with someone who's happy or at least willing to make out with you. Bookend your work day with kisses.
If the morning commute is stop and go, remember this is an excellent opportunity to dog-ear the naughty bits of a trashy romance novel.
For extra bounce in your step/hair, I suggest adding cake sprinkles to you coffee, and again no, this is not street slang for any sort of drug use. Being Sarah is about loving the tequila, at socially acceptable hours, not the blow. More on that later. And by "later" I mean after lunch, at the earliest.
And now for the phones lessons.
- Greet callers in a somewhat subdued voice, and after they state their name, raise the pitch of your voice an octave. This makes them feel special.
- If you make a mistake, lower your voice to a whisper while confessing it. People love secrets and now you've taken them from offendee to your co-conspirator.
- If someone is ranting, say nothing. Once it's tailed off, still say nothing. Wait for a direct question, don't respond to accusations ("I've called four times!") or observations ("I don't think he's ever at his desk.") This encourages the caller to calm down and focus on what you can do for them. ("Could you try his desk again?") Responding in any way keeps the pointless exchange going. Listen politely, waiting for an actual question mark.
Drink lots of water. Despite the joking (mostly by me) it is in fact just water in my green walrus-shaped bottle.
And speaking of my green walrus-shaped water bottle, surround yourself with things that make you smile. Unless what makes you smile is something offensive and/or disruptive, such as Dane Cook or pictures of poo.
Always get plenty for rest.
And remember, everyone likes to be said hi to. Unless they're reading a book.
If all of the above doesn't make you a more pleasant person to be around, or if you find that conferences are the easiest way to avoid actual work, I suggest my week long day camp. The schedule is as follows.
Monday
Morning - Sign in / Name Tag decoration.
Stickers, glitter and googley-eyes will be provided, no blinking lights allowed for pool safety reasons.
Afternoon - Computer Lab Mixer
Don't be shy, IM the cute guy/girl one row over. Show off your impressive collection of emoticons. Please wear your formal bedroom slippers.
Evening - PILLOW FIGHT!
Tuesday
Morning - The coffee pool will be open for swimming, along with our annual breakfast Burrito Competition. Prizes will be given for Firmest, Most Alcoholic, and Most Disguised Vitamins.
Afternoon - Food Coma. Lawn chairs will be provided. After light smoothies, there will a screening of old South Park episodes on our outdoor screen.
Evening - Twilight Bicycle Parade and Indian food. Floor pillows will be provided, please bring your own sari. Tiger striped cats will be on hand for petting.
Wendsday
Morning - We kick off our Circus theme day with an easygoing trampoline workout. Then you can pick the class of your choice, Juggling 101 or House Training Your Pet Lion.
Afternoon - After a lunch of international varieties of popcorn, you have your choice of afternoon classes. TieDye Your Cotton Candy or The Unicycle-Not Just for Commuting Anymore.
Evening - Sit back, relax, and enjoy the stunning pyrotechnics of the FireFly Circus.
Thursday
Morning - Wine tasting. What? You're on vacation. We'll meet on the back porch. Mingling and feeding the pigeons is encouraged.
Afternoon - A leisurely hot air balloon ride. Binoculars, biodegradable eco-friendly confetti, birdseed and trays of tiny sandwiches will be provided.
Evening - Rooftop stargazing/Makeout Party, an excellent time to make sure you have a date for the Last Night (Of The World) Party.
Friday
Morning - Float down the river in an old tire. BYOB.
Afternoon - We'll be meeting at the Craft House, which is the treehouse we are building entirely out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners and macaroni.
Evening - The traditional Last Night (Of The World) Party. Loot the snack bar, drink tequila, call your lover, and gather around the mother of all bonfires for lots of pyro fun!
Together, we can make our office look just like this.
1 Comments:
That's a wonderful list, and I think I will actually use a few of your lobbyist techniques.
The picture is a bit disturbing though....
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