I Have A Show Now.

You know me, I don't watch tv.

I'm not snotty about it, I rot my brain in plenty of other ways. I don't think tv is evil or anything, it's just that when I moved into my apartment I told myself that if I ever sat around two nights in a row wishing I had cable, that I'd get it. It's been well over a year, and that's never happened.

But thanks to Lola, I am in love with a show.

American Inventor.
Ok, so the show is like the American Idol for inventors.
Doesn't sound fascinating, but I swear, it's BRILLIANCE.

Some people, you can just SMELL the crazy.
And some of the others, I'm crazy in like with.
I have a feeling none of this will be funny unless you watched it, but I'll attempt to convey some of the magic.


From Last Week -


The Couple. The Sweaty Guy and Her. Theirs was a simple love. He would talk, she would look at him and at the end of each of his sentences she would look momentarily confused and then turn and smile blankly and brightly at the camera.
And would he ever talk.

"How did I get the idea for my invention? Well we were sittin' on the porch watching the sunset and it was a great day, we'd just come back from the casino...."
*blank and bright smile from Her*
"How'd we meet? Well, I was in this diner and she said she was a truck driver and I said, 'no you're not' and she said 'yes, I am' and I said 'no you're not' and she said 'yes I am' and I said 'no you're not' and she said 'yes I am' and I said 'show me your truck.'"
*blank and bright smile from Her*
*Sweaty Guy turns to her*
"Baby, you mean the world to me, you take me to all my doctor's appointments."
*blankest and biggest smile from Her*

I want them to live next door to me. I want to hear them talk. I'm so in like with them.


There was also the Centerpiece Lady.
She had photos velcro-ed to her boobs and she twirled awkwardly, which has now become a dance to Lola and I. "Do the Centerpiece!"
"Available for weddings, showers..."
I was heartbroken when she broke down.
I desperatly wanted to see more.


From This Week, (they ever so sweetly treated us to a double episode)

My hands down favorite was the Bladder Buddy Guy.
He had a pouch thrown over his shoulder, that contained a large cape of sorts, in the style of a garment bag.
He explained that you put it on and peed into a pouch inside. Then you folded it up and put it back into your carrying pouch. With the urine.
He had no idea how creepy he was.

"I tried it out at a bus stop by my house. The people there definately knew I was doing something out of the ordinary under there, but they didn't know what," he said triumphantly.

But the line that really slayed me was when he was telling the judges that they could be made in many colors and styles. With a flourish he revealed a sample and said, "If you really want to do something fancy you could use leather and rhinestones!"

I turned to Lola as they flashed his name, occupation and hometown across the screen and said, "After the leather and rhinestones line, was it really necessary to tell us that he's from New Jersey?"


And the Stick, pardon me, Wand Guy. Yes, that complex presentation is for the stick, pardon me, wand in his hand. The judges kept saying, "It's a stick." And he kept saying, "Wand. And it could have, like, LASERS in it."

And of course the old lady who pitched some 'enviromentally conscious' idea while wearing a fur coat. Without a trace of irony.

And anyone who watched the show is no doubt in love with Francisco. If you didn't shed a tear when they gave him the $50,000 check to help develop his bike, you have NO SOUL. I really thought Mary Lou was gonna walk around the desk and cuddle him. I would have.