Welcome To The 2006 OAWW Walkie Awards!!

*lights dim, music swells, and a spotlight appears on Valancy Jane, who is wearing the Bjork swan dress, only with better tailoring*

Good evening, Internet.
If you missed the pre-show, everyone from my sidebar made brilliant entrances down the green carpet, 'Rez designed everyone's shoes, underwear was thrown at Jonny, Ike taped and hosted the entire pre-show, and Cols began a water fight which caught on surprisingly fast considering that we were all wearing borrowed couture.

Tonight we honor those with enough Internet clout and kindness in their hearts to refer readers to, well, moi.
Which is noble and a great use of your time.

We begin our awards with the Third Runner Up for Most Refers.

*Belinda the Pink Elephant shambles on stage, pauses a moment, squint into the bright lights. She is wearing a replica of Gwyneth's pink dress, with Harry Winston jewels.*

*VJ pulls a jellybean out her egg purse*

*Belinda continues her prosession toward the podium with the envelope*

*VJ opens the envelope*

*three glittery stars, one bolt and a beer cap fall out*

And the winner of the Third Runner Up for Most Refers is .............



..................... NICK!

That's right, the sexy stud on the unicycle, come on up and accept your award!

Nick - "What a surprise. Due to my recent lack of blogging, I never expected to recieve such an honor! VJ is my favorite blog and I'm glad to contribute to her popularity. Don't start the music yet. I'd like to thank her personally for keeping me laughing and just when I'm sure I can't blog anymore, inspiring me to write a good post. Thanks VJ!"




*Belinda shambles back offstage to her dressing room*


*VJ straightens her hair after the passionate Adrian Brody-style kiss from Nick*

Whew.

Ok, the Second Runner Up for Most Refers Award goes to -

-*looks over at wings*

Pssst. Belinda. BELINDA. Yes, now.

*Belinda saunters out, now wearing a slouchy black dress, dark eyeshadow and frenchbraided hair, a la Gwyneth's goth dress that one year*

*VJ takes the envelope*

Thanks, peaches.

*VJ opens the envelope and some sand, a newpaper clipping and the haunting smell of sweet perfume drift towards the floor, as well as VJ's purse, which falls open, scattering jelly beans everywhere*

*Belinda begins sucking them up her trunk like a vaccum*

Ok, the Second Runner Up for Most Refers Award goes to .................



............ BakeTown!!

Get up here and flash some cleavage at your admiring audience!! Watch out for the jelly beans.

BakeTown - "Gosh! I wasn't prepared for such an honor. I don't know what to say. I wish I had worn a better dress today. xoxo OOOooooo I love my prize!!!"


*VJ giggles*

Yes, we really DO like you, BakeTown.

Ok, the award for - *gets bumped by Belinda who is trying to get at the last black jelly bean that's rolled under the podium* - for the First Runner Up for Most - Belinda, can you get the envelope for me please?

*Belinda reveals that her dress is tear-away, revealing the white flowy dress Gwyneth wore that year she was still engaged to Brad Pitt, which is surprisingly slimming on such a curvy elephant*

*Belinda pulls the envelope out of her trunk and hands it to VJ*

Ok. The award for First Runner Up for Most Refers goes to -

*VJ opens the envelope, and some hair clippings, a business card and a red jelly bean fall out*

.................. Ike!!

*Ike runs onstage and stands thisclose to VJ*

*VJ kisses Ike on the nose*

*Ike and VJ have a brief chat, unheard by the microphones then Ike turns to the podium*

Ike - "*looks at his prize*
oh Valancy Jane, this is precious! The key to your heart, I'm so honored, you make me such a glad person.
*takes out chingling keyring and fits the key to VJ's heart conveniently inbetween 'Rezzies and Svennies. Jingle Jangle*
I would first of all like to thank Google, who's ease of blogging services has revolutionized my life and given me long term rear perspective, which is something I never posessed. No pun intended.
*puts arm around VJ*
I would like to also thank my beautiful subscribers and frequenters who follow every link I put on my site like blind sheep. Did I promise greener pastures or what?!
*sheep baaaaaaaa baaaaa*
And finally, these links would be nothing without the helpful support of HTML in general, who's encoded insider language has confused/expediated our use of online services everywhere.Thankyou, stay in school and subscribe to me! Thankyou! Vive la Valancy Jane!"

Yes, Ikey, life IS beautiful.

*Belinda ambles offstage, but trips on the edge of her gown, causing it to tear away, revealing that green Jennifer Lopez dress*

*Belinda blushes, and crosses arms and truck across her chest*

Er, *VJ does a little dance to distract the audience* so.

......................................

......................................

*VJ is saved by Jon Stewart coming onstage, and delivering some terribly witty jokes*

Thank you Jon. I love you forever. Call me next week, we'll hang out. You know, like we do all the time and stuff.

*Jon looks puzzled but continues offstage without saying anything*

Ok. *looks offstage at the wings and nods*

So. The Grand Prize Winner for Most Refers is ..........

*Belinda saunters out, wearing this dress, and an apple in her mouth*

*VJ giggles nervously, attempting to decide if this is actually funny*

Thanks Belinda. *takes envelope and opens it*

*about four pounds of glitter, one hair pin and a live butterfly fall from the small envelope*

The Grand Prize Winner for Most Refers is ......................



................... 'Rezzie!!

I knew there was a reason I loved you so!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Most Refers herself!!

*Butterfly perches on the end of VJ's nose*

'Rez - *walks up to accept prize with smile frozen on face*
Wha.. wow! I'm just... so... I didn't expect this, at all!
*tears up*
I mean, this is just such an honor. A real honor.
*smiles, pauses*
*clears throat, gets down to business*
I have a few people I'd like to thank.
*pulls out scroll, rolls it out, it is 10 feet long*
First and foremost, I'd like to thank me. Let's face it. Without me, it wouldn't have been possible for me to win. So, thank you, to me....
*goes on in same vein, mentioning names and obnxiously bringing it back to self every time*
...
*20 minutes later*
And finally, the academy. I love my prize. It's --
*listens to what someone offstage is saying*
(dismissing him) You can't cut me off, I'm the winner.
*VJ comes on stage smiling wide in beautiful gown and shoes with glitter trailing behind her, people applaud*
*VJ whispers a few sentences in Rezzie's ear*
And I'd like to thank TEA.
*exits with VJ*

*'Rezzie pinches VJ's butt*

*the entire show turns into a circus act, complete with rousing dance numbers, involving the entire audience*

*just before the curtain closes, a spotlight falls on VJ*

Remember folks, this is an anual event in the sense that I will do this whenever I please, so if you wanna win, refer people to ME!!!!