I'd always set age 25 as my deadline for not being angry at my parents anymore. I've lived away from them for going on 8 years now. Everyone has their own timeline for healing, but to me it felt as though if I really focused on moving past it, there would and should be an end to it all.
Last night I had a very vivid dream of my mother. In this dream she said exactly the sort of things she would and does say. All the old frustrations were there, the ones that make me think nothing will ever change between us. But something happened at the end of the dream and I woke up in the stillness before dawn and sobbed and somewhere in the middle of it all, the bitterness was gone.
My mother and I had much the same start on life. In the worst sort of way. And I have always wanted to forgive her. To say, "So you were a bad mother. I forgive you." But the lie she wanted me to live, that she was a GOOD mother, that was just adding infection to injury, as Bunny would say. And so time and nature couldn't take it's course, and the wound just wouldn't heal.
At the end of the dream she and I were discussing my blog, the reason she hasn't spoken to me in well over a year. I remember saying that she just shouldn't read it. "If you could read it, Mumsie, and really HEAR me, hear ME, then I think you reading it would do us a world of good. But I don't think you can," I said.
And then in my dream she showed me where she'd printed and cut out some of the few nice things I'd written about her and in that moment it struck me that the ghost of what should have been haunts her more than I.
That I while I hurt for the mother I wanted to love, her hurt for the daughter she wanted to love her probably isn't lessened by fact it's her fault.
That regardless of the fact that she created this reality, it wasn't what she wanted either.
That at least I haven't been so obviously replaced, as she has been with Bunny.
That the most painful messes a person can find themselves in is one they created themselves.
And in the richness of my life, I can pity her poverty.
So I won when I fought my demons.
Maybe it was a closer call than I wanna acknowledge.
Maybe all that seperates us is that I got one more good night's sleep.
Maybe I had one more lovely person in my life than she.
Maybe, but for the grace of God, there go I.
And I can now extend her the forgiveness she won't ask for.
Last night I had a very vivid dream of my mother. In this dream she said exactly the sort of things she would and does say. All the old frustrations were there, the ones that make me think nothing will ever change between us. But something happened at the end of the dream and I woke up in the stillness before dawn and sobbed and somewhere in the middle of it all, the bitterness was gone.
My mother and I had much the same start on life. In the worst sort of way. And I have always wanted to forgive her. To say, "So you were a bad mother. I forgive you." But the lie she wanted me to live, that she was a GOOD mother, that was just adding infection to injury, as Bunny would say. And so time and nature couldn't take it's course, and the wound just wouldn't heal.
At the end of the dream she and I were discussing my blog, the reason she hasn't spoken to me in well over a year. I remember saying that she just shouldn't read it. "If you could read it, Mumsie, and really HEAR me, hear ME, then I think you reading it would do us a world of good. But I don't think you can," I said.
And then in my dream she showed me where she'd printed and cut out some of the few nice things I'd written about her and in that moment it struck me that the ghost of what should have been haunts her more than I.
That I while I hurt for the mother I wanted to love, her hurt for the daughter she wanted to love her probably isn't lessened by fact it's her fault.
That regardless of the fact that she created this reality, it wasn't what she wanted either.
That at least I haven't been so obviously replaced, as she has been with Bunny.
That the most painful messes a person can find themselves in is one they created themselves.
And in the richness of my life, I can pity her poverty.
So I won when I fought my demons.
Maybe it was a closer call than I wanna acknowledge.
Maybe all that seperates us is that I got one more good night's sleep.
Maybe I had one more lovely person in my life than she.
Maybe, but for the grace of God, there go I.
And I can now extend her the forgiveness she won't ask for.
3 Comments:
I hope she reads this.
But if she comes this far, then your golden chest will be in her face....
Congratulations. =D
(And NO that is NOT sarcastic!)
I really admire you for this, it shows a real sense of character.
I thought I had reached this stage before with someone but then realised that I still had some anger inside. I hope one day I can achieve full forgiveness.
Thank you for being an inspiration.
This post right here is what I absolutely love about you. One minute you can be lighthearted and funny, but the next we get a very special, personal, serious moment. Then you're right back to prank calling people...
But seriously, this is amazing. I don't know if I'll ever reach this point in full. Right now I consider my mother one of my best friends, but there are things in our past that I'm not entirely sure I'll ever forgive. I'm glad you've achieved that, VJ.
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