Because I Think This Is Funny.

Ok, so the backstory. At least as I remember it, because honestly, it was over 10 frickin' years ago and the only lingering emotion was thinking it was funny.

I was 14 and a freshman in high school. Josh was a junior. A well-connected and rather popular one, and I was young and dumb enough to let that matter to me. And so we began dating. I pretty quickly thought better of it and was working up the nerve to tell him we needed to call it off, when he beat me to the punch.
He informed me that he felt he needed to break up with me because God was calling him to be single for the rest of his life.

I know.

I don't think he saw me laugh.
I also think I deserve a medal for managing to not let him see me laugh.

"Well, um, ok Josh. That's fine by me."

We did see each other around from time to time, and I heard he got married right out of high school.

See?
Funny?



Skip to the present.
I was very surprised to get an email from Josh.

Subject line - "Are you alive???"
Message - "Hellloooo?"

During a brief exchange of emails I let him know that any rumors of my demise were started simply to keep the IRS off my trail, and he informed me that he'd been thinking of me, and "when could he take me to lunch?"

Not 'could he' but 'WHEN could he.'
Yeah.
Missed a step there, buddy.
A big one.

I emailed him back. "Why?"
See, a pretty reliable source said he was still married, and as weird as he is, I never took him for a cheater.

I figured it was either an apology or a message from God for me.

'Cause have you ever noticed how if you apologize to someone that is your friend and likes you, that they'll just say, "Oh. No biggie. We're cool."
But if you apologize someone that you haven't exactly wronged, but that just doesn't exactly like you, that person will feel called on the fact that they secretly don't like you, will prolly go overboard on assurring you that you're fabulous and never said or done anything wrong ever.

I was right. It was the apology.
The following is an excerpt. Note the liberal use of the pronoun 'I' and the heading which suggests quite incorrectly that I asked for it.

Ok you asked, soo.....

Honestly I've done a lot of thinking
about my development and the stages I've gone through........ I was wrong for
what I did when I cut short the relationship we were just starting. I'm
not trying to start that over (don't worry, I'm not living in the past or
crazy....well maybe just a little crazy) :) but I have done a lot of thinking
about some of the mistakes I've made over the years. The mistake I made
with you was a major one. I'm starting to learn from the past instead of
hiding from it. I feel bad about how I treated you; I had no clue how
to have a relationship. I guess I feel like I ended our friendship really
badly and I want to fix that.

Ok, so how was that for a
deeeep email?
I'd love to hear about your life.

I didn't see any point in telling him at the time that I was planning to dump him, and to do so now would only come off as spiteful. So how best to let this guy know that he didn't exactly break my heart and while he might still be rolling it around in his mind, I had somehow managed to pick up the pieces and move on?

Then he sent me another email, as a postscript, to make sure I knew he wasn't hitting on me.

After laughing about this with all my galpals, I responded.

Can I be honest?

I'm laughing.

Seriously, Josh, you
make it all so dramatic. It was a high school romance, we were both acting
like the kids we were. The way you've written it, like we've carved each
other's destiny or that I was nursing some secret pain over it
all.

The only way in which you were being silly or 'dumb' was how
seriously you took yourself, and you're still doing it.

With all
the verbal hand wringing in the email, I just can't help but think that if you'd
taken up knitting instead of email-writing, someone would be sleeping warmer
tonight.

If you feel you owe me an apology or anything, just
go plant a tree or something proactive.
I'll call it
good.


-[Valancy Jane]

See, I knew I could call him every bad name in the book and he'd gladly sit there and take it. Because we'd still be talking about HIM. And like all people that take themselves WAY too seriously, he would react very spitefully if laughed at.
And it was all so absurd.

He spit back a very sarcastic little email in which he informed me that, "I'm actually not nearly as formal in person as I am in email, I would have been much more relaxed over lunch," and once again told me that I'd "asked for it."

Right.
Because I'd been pining for this email all my life.
Because I don't have anything better to do than go to lunch with someone I don't even like.
But I did try to be nice.

Josh, really, it wasn't your formal tone I was poking fun at, it was the fact
that you spent this much time thinking about your role in a relationship
that ended 10 years ago. That could barely be called a relationship, that
we both knew was headed nowhere.

I'm just saying, in the nicest
possible way, *charming smile* get a hobby.

And while I'm saying
things that sound much meaner than I intend them to ...........
I'm
really busy these days, with more friends than I have time for. I'm rarely
available for lunch. Email is better. I'm much less sarcastic over
email. *giggle*

As for what I'm up to, I'm not sure where to
begin, but ask me any ten questions, and we'll start from
there.

Deal?

No deal.

Hmmm, you don't have time for lunch and I don't have the patience for email.
Well......

So much for all the times he said he'd love to hear about my life.
He doesn't have the time to email me.
*rereads all his unsolicted emails*
Once again I find myself with the same response.

"Well, um, ok Josh. That's fine by me."