The Importance Of Civic Duty (And How To Avoid It)

Bored Salesguy IM'd me this morning, needing my help. After a recent transfer to the Houston office, he just recieved a summons for jury duty.

My usual suggestion of answering every question with "Fry 'em!" while it is highly effective in liberal southern california, might have the opposite effect there in Texas.

So, here's what we've got so far, please add your suggestions below.

• Carry a small rabbit. Stroke it gently and constantly. If someone speaks to you, direct your answer only to the rabbit. "Miss Betsy, we don't want to go through the medal detector, do we?" "Miss Betsy, we don't think people should ever be locked up, do we? Coyotes, maybe, but not people."
• Two words. No, wait, three words. I know 'Offensive' is one word, but is 'body-odor' one word or two?
• Pretend to be utterly fascinated with your surroundings. Whisper questions like, "Is that REAL wood?" Tell the judge you just love what he/she's done with the courtroom, "Are those plaques NEW?" If you can narrow it down even further, to simply the construction of the chairs, even better. Everytime you are asked a question, tear your attention away from the chair very reluctantly. Answer the question with a dismissive, "Oh, I don't know. See the way the seat cushion is tacked down? Isn't that inovative?" Trace the woodgrain on the wall, and ask the people on both sides of you if they've noticed The Chairs.
• Borrow all your friends old prescription bottles, and fill them with sugar pills, vitamins, or small candies that look like pills. Open a different pill bottle every 2.14 minutes, rattling the bottle and pretending to be embarrassed about the noise. If asked, insist that this is your regular pill schedule, and you really must take them ON TIME. Continue downing pills all morning, then when you get up for lunch, spill them all over the floor.
• Insist that you'd be more comfortable sitting on the floor, in the corner of the room, for your 'bad back.' Everytime someone speaks, says, "What? I can't hear you."
• Accidently flick your pen across the room. Repeatedly.