It's only fair, really. If you weren't my father, I prolly wouldn't have ever hated you. You just would be someone I don't particularly admire, but who's sense of humor is familiar.So lets do us both a favor and take the title/burden/responsibility of being my father off of you.
I won't hold any of the cruel letdowns against you. I'll just figure I didn't have a dad, and you were some nice guy that read books aloud to me occasionally and bought me a bike with streamers on the handles.
It's a lot easier for me that way. It makes it mourning what I didn't have a cleaner wound somehow. How could you be expected to defend me from the men that sexually abused me? You were just an second cousin once removed. How you could be expected to listen to/notice/care about me when I was freakishly skinny/gone for days at a time/so depressed I was almost comatose? You were just some neighbor. How could you be expected to see me or give me any kind of advice or teach me anything about being a grownup? You were just a guidance couselor I met with once, to whom I was statistics on paper.
See? It's easier this way.
And you may not know this, but every single day I give you a clean slate. If you ever really did want to be my dad, that would be nice, 'cause I could use one. At this point, it would take a lot of work to earn my trust again, and it's probably more work than it's worth to you. I can accept that. I've taken care of myself for a long time so don't worry about me. If you ever did.
P.S. I'm having a really hard time hitting 'publish.' I'm being very honest in this post, and I learned a long time ago that no matter how honest I am with you, you won't see me. No matter how much I lay bare my soul, you won't or don't or possibily even can't see a endlessly loving little girl who never wanted a horse or ballet lessons or private school or a blue Chevy Tahoe as much as she wanted someone to listen and care. You'll just see a disappointment, a girl that won't be who you wanted her to be, painted over with a thick layer of your own guilt. And you'd rather look away than see either of those versions of me.
I would be scared that my words here would hurt you, but I'm learning that self-absorbed people don't feel hurt. They only feel frustration when they don't get what they want. And it isn't in my power to give you what you want, a different version of me.
If you could ever bring yourself to want a daughter like me, then send me a book you think I'd like. I will read it.
10 Comments:
this is incredibly brave of you.
i could not have written this letter, though i have a letter like this in me.
i would send a book, but i know it's not the same.
nothing is ever the same.
wow, sarah. this past week i have been trying to come up with some way of telling my dad, pretty much the same thing. i just started crying. i'm afraid my dad will die without any of us getting to know who he really is, and our kids will never have a grandpa art. it makes me sick and angry that they can be so selfish. i used to believe in him, and now he is nothing to me. i'm afraid he'll never know how much i truly care and love him, because he pushes us all away. =(
I love you Valancy Jane, though I have no sympathy for you.
I fail to see the point of your comment, Anonymous.
I agree, my life is pretty nice these days. I don't need or ask for sympathy. If you that this was bid for it, then I doubt your intelligence as a reader.
But since you seem to have read this with the impression that I wanted sympathy, what is the point of telling me you offer none? From your uninformed and mistaken perspective, that comment could only have been intended to hurt.
It missed the mark, as I wasn't asking you for anything, but why would you intend to wound a stranger? Says a lot about you, and nothing good.
I have sympathy for you. Not much. But some. I kindly return your love to you, while we're at it. I'm all full up on love, I certainly wouldn't stoop to asking for yours.
If you truly want to open a new line of communication with someone who has the potential of being one of the most important persons in your life is your blog the very best place to do it?
First, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous, when I write something, I have the stones to sign my name to it, even when it's obnoxious, presumptuous, rude, and generally just mean and stupid.
Oh, but you already have that last part down pat, don't you? You should work on the first part.
Dear Anonymous,
As well-intentioned as you may be, your comments are coming off sounding like an attack. And they are obviously not appreciated.
When you are a compassionate human being, you give someone sympathy when they need it. Especially when they post something as heartfelt and difficult as THIS was for VJ to post up on the internet for all to see.
In any case, you sound like you're talking about pity, not sympathy, and I don't think anyone who knows her even a little bit would have any pity for VJ at all. She isn't the kind of person who illicits that sentiment.
And here you claim to love her. You obviously don't understand the meaning of love.
Dear Veaj,
I love you. I respect you more than I can express for having the courage to be open about something so personal.
**hugs and kisses**
Rez
Now look here, Mr Anonymous: VJ is ace. VJ is so ace that if you were to add together all the ace people within a 500 mile radius of your choice, and add up their collective ace-ness, the highest cumulative overall ace-ness ratio you could possibly except to collect would be 2:1, VJ to everyone else. VJ has an army of ardent admirers who understand and contemplate this timeless scientific truth every morning before sunrise. We love and respect her greatly and we won't take criticism off the likes of you. All of us are trained ninjas, and by coincidence, incredibly sexy and intelligent. So mess with her, and you mess with us. Insult her again at your peril.
It seems I've caused quite a stir. Though I remain behind my cowardly shroud of anonymity, I will attempt to divert guilt from myself by informing you that I only made the first Anonymous comment. Of course, that comment was bad enough and I apologize for the senseless act of insensitivity. I don't even like how I've written this apology. That first sentence sounds so damn arrogant.
But enough bullshit from me, I won't comment again.
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