Just buy the large drink. You'll spend too much time otherwise, assessing how thirsty you are. And people are probably in line behind you.
Never leave the country with a man who's last name you don't know.
Never put a check (especially if it's a check for two million) in the autofeeder of a copy machine, unless dis-assembling the machine with a power drill is your idea of a good time. And if it is, can I have your number so you can help me next time?
Jello shots are deceptive. It's best to avoid them.
It's all but impossible to eat a salad gracefully.
If you keep you break a limb attempting to ride the dog, your parents might give in and buy you a horse.
Run away at least once in your life. Just to prove to yourself, that really, you can make it on your own. You just probably don't want to.
Grandmothers give the best presents. Seriously. Did you want to spend your own money on socks and sweaters?
Always, ALWAYS tip the pizza delivery guy. They have loooooong memories and they WILL be alone with your next pizza. I'm just saying.
Always splurge on music, if it reminds you of a person.
Back up your cell phone address book somewhere.
Nail polish is a great craft paint.
If you are going to throw up, unfold a paper napkin and lay it across the surface of the water in the toilet. It will float there, and reduce that utterly disgusting backsplash.
Pack light.
Consider carefully how much time clipping and saving that coupon will take, because you can always get more money, never more time.
Chapstick, not matter how much it SMELLS and FEELS and even LOOKS like it would taste good, is not good to nibble on.
Things like explosives and electrical current and matches ARE toys. I don't care what your parents told you. They were just trying to hog the good toys.
Keep a blanket in the truck of your car.
Don't keep a pumpkin, some old fence boards, a jumbo bag of kitty litter and a three foot stuffed cow in the trunk of your car if you plan on crossing the Mexican border without being detained for six hours to explain yourself. Trust me.
Never buy a cheap corkscrew.
Never get rid of your old legos. If you do, call me. I will buy.
When trying on shoes, dance in them. Preferably re-enact the dance sequence from Flashdance. Or the one from Dirty Dancing if you have a partner. After all, what good is a pair of shoes if you can't dance in them?
Nerds are HOT.
Never leave the country with a man who's last name you don't know.
Never put a check (especially if it's a check for two million) in the autofeeder of a copy machine, unless dis-assembling the machine with a power drill is your idea of a good time. And if it is, can I have your number so you can help me next time?
Jello shots are deceptive. It's best to avoid them.
It's all but impossible to eat a salad gracefully.
If you keep you break a limb attempting to ride the dog, your parents might give in and buy you a horse.
Run away at least once in your life. Just to prove to yourself, that really, you can make it on your own. You just probably don't want to.
Grandmothers give the best presents. Seriously. Did you want to spend your own money on socks and sweaters?
Always, ALWAYS tip the pizza delivery guy. They have loooooong memories and they WILL be alone with your next pizza. I'm just saying.
Always splurge on music, if it reminds you of a person.
Back up your cell phone address book somewhere.
Nail polish is a great craft paint.
If you are going to throw up, unfold a paper napkin and lay it across the surface of the water in the toilet. It will float there, and reduce that utterly disgusting backsplash.
Pack light.
Consider carefully how much time clipping and saving that coupon will take, because you can always get more money, never more time.
Chapstick, not matter how much it SMELLS and FEELS and even LOOKS like it would taste good, is not good to nibble on.
Things like explosives and electrical current and matches ARE toys. I don't care what your parents told you. They were just trying to hog the good toys.
Keep a blanket in the truck of your car.
Don't keep a pumpkin, some old fence boards, a jumbo bag of kitty litter and a three foot stuffed cow in the trunk of your car if you plan on crossing the Mexican border without being detained for six hours to explain yourself. Trust me.
Never buy a cheap corkscrew.
Never get rid of your old legos. If you do, call me. I will buy.
When trying on shoes, dance in them. Preferably re-enact the dance sequence from Flashdance. Or the one from Dirty Dancing if you have a partner. After all, what good is a pair of shoes if you can't dance in them?
Nerds are HOT.
1 Comments:
You know what's another good one? Never wear a red shirt into Target. A person can only take so many questions about this season's new bathing suits.
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