No really. Whatever you're about to say, no. This is worse. And scarier. And funnier.
Oh, and as you read this story, you're going to think, "What was she thinking to even go with this guy?!?!" Frankly, I don't know. I was stupid, ok?
So I was seventeen, and a friend of mine wanted me to meet this 'really cool, quirky college guy'. He called and asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee, and since he sounded normal, and I was free on the night in question, and I didn't know then what I know now, I took a chance and said, "Sure. Why not?"
So that evening rolls around, and he's late, but I'm not one to stress it. But he pulls up not in the pickup he said he drove, but a big white windowless van. The sort that my friend Eric calls an 'abduction van'. He looked, in a word, greasy, somehow, not in a literal way, just sorta in a figurative way. But I was trying not to judge by appearances. He said "Hop in", and I did, mentioning that I thought he drove a pickup. He said that he was in the process of moving and that was why there was furniture in the back. I looked in the back and the only 'furniture' I saw was a mattress on the floor of the van. Believe me, the words "Holy Crap" ran through my mind.
"I have to run by my house," he said, "because I told my mom I wasn't going out tonight because I didn't want to get twenty questions. So she's going to call my house sometime between 8 and 9."
"Um, ok." I said, thinking I could call a friend from his house, to come get me.
"But here's the thing," he went on, "If you come in the house, my roommate will tell my mother on me, that I have a date. So I need you to wait in the car."
"Um, that's ok." I said, thinking that I could slip over to a neighbors house and call, which would probably be safer anyway.
To bad he lived in the freakin' boonies. We pulled up to a house in the middle of nowhere, and he hopped out, saying, "I'll be back in 45 mins, an hour, tops."
It was dark now, I couldn't see anything out, much less another house. I didn't want to wander the back country in the dark, with god knows what lurking. So, stupidly, I sat in the car and waited, debating my options.
He came back an hour and fifteen minutes later, and said, "My mom says since I'm not doing anything tonight, she needs me to come over and move some furniture around for her."
"Where does your mom live?" I asked.
"La Mesa." (Well populated area)
"Then lets go." I said.
I intended to make a break for it there, but he stayed on the front porch for all but just a few minutes. As he came back towards the van, I said, "You need to take me home now."
He said, "Ok."
On the way back he said, "I feel bad that I didn't get to buy you coffee."
"Um, don't worry about, dude."
"No, really. Oh, wait!" He pulled over at a 7-11, bought me a cup of coffee and presented it to me with a big smile.
"Um, thanks?" I said.
When we got back to my house, he asked for a hug. I said, "Um, no. And don't, um, ever call me, or anything. Ok?"
My friend spent weeks apologizing for setting us up. She said, "Really, he seemed so normal and charming when I met him, and he went to a strict christian college and all." (Turns out he didn't go there, he just hung out there to pick up on girls.)
Where is this man today, you ask? No, not on a wanted poster, or anything like that.
He became one of those grown men that spend all day hanging around the mall. He thinks its cool, and not horribly, horribly sad that all the employees at the mall know him by name. He keeps (I swear to you, I'm not even making this up) a lizard in a pouch that he hangs around his neck. He takes it everywhere.
And he's still asks me for a hug. I pretend I'm afraid of the lizard.
Oh, and as you read this story, you're going to think, "What was she thinking to even go with this guy?!?!" Frankly, I don't know. I was stupid, ok?
So I was seventeen, and a friend of mine wanted me to meet this 'really cool, quirky college guy'. He called and asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee, and since he sounded normal, and I was free on the night in question, and I didn't know then what I know now, I took a chance and said, "Sure. Why not?"
So that evening rolls around, and he's late, but I'm not one to stress it. But he pulls up not in the pickup he said he drove, but a big white windowless van. The sort that my friend Eric calls an 'abduction van'. He looked, in a word, greasy, somehow, not in a literal way, just sorta in a figurative way. But I was trying not to judge by appearances. He said "Hop in", and I did, mentioning that I thought he drove a pickup. He said that he was in the process of moving and that was why there was furniture in the back. I looked in the back and the only 'furniture' I saw was a mattress on the floor of the van. Believe me, the words "Holy Crap" ran through my mind.
"I have to run by my house," he said, "because I told my mom I wasn't going out tonight because I didn't want to get twenty questions. So she's going to call my house sometime between 8 and 9."
"Um, ok." I said, thinking I could call a friend from his house, to come get me.
"But here's the thing," he went on, "If you come in the house, my roommate will tell my mother on me, that I have a date. So I need you to wait in the car."
"Um, that's ok." I said, thinking that I could slip over to a neighbors house and call, which would probably be safer anyway.
To bad he lived in the freakin' boonies. We pulled up to a house in the middle of nowhere, and he hopped out, saying, "I'll be back in 45 mins, an hour, tops."
It was dark now, I couldn't see anything out, much less another house. I didn't want to wander the back country in the dark, with god knows what lurking. So, stupidly, I sat in the car and waited, debating my options.
He came back an hour and fifteen minutes later, and said, "My mom says since I'm not doing anything tonight, she needs me to come over and move some furniture around for her."
"Where does your mom live?" I asked.
"La Mesa." (Well populated area)
"Then lets go." I said.
I intended to make a break for it there, but he stayed on the front porch for all but just a few minutes. As he came back towards the van, I said, "You need to take me home now."
He said, "Ok."
On the way back he said, "I feel bad that I didn't get to buy you coffee."
"Um, don't worry about, dude."
"No, really. Oh, wait!" He pulled over at a 7-11, bought me a cup of coffee and presented it to me with a big smile.
"Um, thanks?" I said.
When we got back to my house, he asked for a hug. I said, "Um, no. And don't, um, ever call me, or anything. Ok?"
My friend spent weeks apologizing for setting us up. She said, "Really, he seemed so normal and charming when I met him, and he went to a strict christian college and all." (Turns out he didn't go there, he just hung out there to pick up on girls.)
Where is this man today, you ask? No, not on a wanted poster, or anything like that.
He became one of those grown men that spend all day hanging around the mall. He thinks its cool, and not horribly, horribly sad that all the employees at the mall know him by name. He keeps (I swear to you, I'm not even making this up) a lizard in a pouch that he hangs around his neck. He takes it everywhere.
And he's still asks me for a hug. I pretend I'm afraid of the lizard.
1 Comments:
Oh.
My.
God.
Scary and sad. Yeah- you win the 'Worst EVER Blind Date' award.
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