So about three some old years ago, I came back from a visit to my parents house in San Fransisco convinced that there was something awry in their marrige. No one believed me. Their divorce was final days ago. I've suspected for a while that my dad is developing a drinking problem, the evidence for that continues to grow. And when my mother decided to join a group of people from her church (and I use the word 'church' only because this group of nut-jobs lack the organizational skills and financial know-how to be a 'cult') on a spontaneous road trip to Omaha "because God told them they should go", I specifically said to her, "I know your divorce is going to be final while you're gone. I know you are scared to death of being alone. Don't marry one of these guys. I don't care if he says it is 'God's Will'." Admittedly I'm suspicious of anyone who tells me that God has given them a message for me. It's like, hello, God has my number too. But off she went to Omaha. And back she comes with a fiancee. Who says that God said that he should marry my mother. I asked my mother if she didn't think it was a wee bit strange that God chose to deliver this message through a very partial party. My mother said that she 'felt a peace about it'. I resisted the urge to ask if she felt a peace about the marrige or a peace about who was going to pay her credit card bills. I decided to get prosiac and asked what 'Bob' does for a living. She quickly responded (and I feel this is so bad that it needs a drumroll or a dramatic pause or something) that 'Bob' is a Prophet. When she said that I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up. Instead I simply asked if that came with a good dental plan. It seems that 'Prophet Bob' has five children, the youngest of which is 18, and that 'Prophet Bob' used to be in the insurance business but since his mother died and left him an inheritance. He lives off his investments and gets up every morning and "does what God tells him too". Mums wants me to meet him ASAP, but I'm not so sure that 'Prophet Bob' is so axious to meet me. 'Prophet Bob' feels that this whole train wreck isn't moving toward disaster quite fast enough, and would like my mother to marry him before the end of the year.
Some questions for 'Prophet Bob'.
1. Why the rush, 'Prophet Bob'? She was divorced for whole days before you told her that God thought you should get married (such a romantic proposal) and you want to get married in a matter of weeks. Why the rush? Doesn't is smell just a smidge like taking advantage of an insecure woman's needieness? Just a skoosh?
2. What happen to the mother(s) of your children? Why didn't she stay married to you? Did she leave because you snore too loudly? Is she buried in a hastily dug hole in the backyard?
3. Did you earn any money on your own before your mama died and left you that chunk o' change? Exactly how much money are we talking here? How long have you had it and how much is left? (If he's going to feed her the "I'll take care of you" line, he sure as hell better be able to back it up.)
4. Where are you going to live? And for the record, "We're going to travel from house church to house church, depending on God" is not an acceptable answer.
5. What are your adult children going to say about you when I call them?
I hate that I'm doing this, having to play the parent to my mother, AGAIN. I spent seventeen years of childhood doing that, wiping tears, prying her out of her bedroom, convincing her that the hallway outside her bedroom, the front lawn, the grocery store, that these were all nice happy places too and that the escalator would not eat her and that the parking garage would not trap her in. Inviting her friends over for lunch to remind her that there's a world out there and it can be nice. After her divorce I told her to find a nice little house and some sweet friends (I even offered to loan her some of sweet friends) and to get a job someplace like a store she can fuss and potter over and to join a nice little church with a lot of older people who would let her help out with the babies during the service and cook her casseroles and just be nice to her. She took that as 'join a group of people who's defining characteristics are annoying people with their we-are-the-choosen-of-God attitude and their complete inability to make wise choices in their lives. Legally bind your financial, emotional and spiritual well-being to one of these people.' I'm so tired of being the big sister to her. I'm tired. It's not like I'm even all that good at playing the parent to her, because I never had one to turn to. She's never been a 'mom' to me. I always say, "I don't have parents. I have a pair of immature people who insist on calling me." I know she's my mother, but can't I just be done? I've done more than I should, isn't it enough? I wanted better for her than this 'Marrige disaster numero dos' but how much is God going to require I do about it? On one hand I hear, "She's your mother, you can't just throw her to the wolves. God never gives up on people and neither should you." And on the other hand I hear, "She's a big girl, she's managed to keep afloat for 46 years (abeight by standing on anyone's, including her young child's, heads) and she can take care of herself."
Ok. Here's the plan. I think. Thoughts are welcome on this.
I'm going to go to dinner with them and ask him the above questions. In front of my mother. He's going to see that he'd better take care of her or answer to me. And after my mother hears whatever his answers are, she's going to have a better idea what she's getting into. If she still wants to marry him, that's her business, and her choice, and I will rest easy, knowing that I did what I should.
Ok. I have a plan.
Sanity should return now.
Some questions for 'Prophet Bob'.
1. Why the rush, 'Prophet Bob'? She was divorced for whole days before you told her that God thought you should get married (such a romantic proposal) and you want to get married in a matter of weeks. Why the rush? Doesn't is smell just a smidge like taking advantage of an insecure woman's needieness? Just a skoosh?
2. What happen to the mother(s) of your children? Why didn't she stay married to you? Did she leave because you snore too loudly? Is she buried in a hastily dug hole in the backyard?
3. Did you earn any money on your own before your mama died and left you that chunk o' change? Exactly how much money are we talking here? How long have you had it and how much is left? (If he's going to feed her the "I'll take care of you" line, he sure as hell better be able to back it up.)
4. Where are you going to live? And for the record, "We're going to travel from house church to house church, depending on God" is not an acceptable answer.
5. What are your adult children going to say about you when I call them?
I hate that I'm doing this, having to play the parent to my mother, AGAIN. I spent seventeen years of childhood doing that, wiping tears, prying her out of her bedroom, convincing her that the hallway outside her bedroom, the front lawn, the grocery store, that these were all nice happy places too and that the escalator would not eat her and that the parking garage would not trap her in. Inviting her friends over for lunch to remind her that there's a world out there and it can be nice. After her divorce I told her to find a nice little house and some sweet friends (I even offered to loan her some of sweet friends) and to get a job someplace like a store she can fuss and potter over and to join a nice little church with a lot of older people who would let her help out with the babies during the service and cook her casseroles and just be nice to her. She took that as 'join a group of people who's defining characteristics are annoying people with their we-are-the-choosen-of-God attitude and their complete inability to make wise choices in their lives. Legally bind your financial, emotional and spiritual well-being to one of these people.' I'm so tired of being the big sister to her. I'm tired. It's not like I'm even all that good at playing the parent to her, because I never had one to turn to. She's never been a 'mom' to me. I always say, "I don't have parents. I have a pair of immature people who insist on calling me." I know she's my mother, but can't I just be done? I've done more than I should, isn't it enough? I wanted better for her than this 'Marrige disaster numero dos' but how much is God going to require I do about it? On one hand I hear, "She's your mother, you can't just throw her to the wolves. God never gives up on people and neither should you." And on the other hand I hear, "She's a big girl, she's managed to keep afloat for 46 years (abeight by standing on anyone's, including her young child's, heads) and she can take care of herself."
Ok. Here's the plan. I think. Thoughts are welcome on this.
I'm going to go to dinner with them and ask him the above questions. In front of my mother. He's going to see that he'd better take care of her or answer to me. And after my mother hears whatever his answers are, she's going to have a better idea what she's getting into. If she still wants to marry him, that's her business, and her choice, and I will rest easy, knowing that I did what I should.
Ok. I have a plan.
Sanity should return now.
2 Comments:
Hey,
Prophet Bob? Talk about a sign.... How did dinner go? I hope you did pose all of those questions to him in front of your mother. Sometimes it feels like you just can't slap them with the truth hard enough. What about your brother? Has he said anything to her about this?
I hope you have fun moving into your new apartment!
Thanks Fuzzy!
I haven't had the heart to ask my brother what he thinks of this. Jesse's a more methodical, logical decision maker, while I'm a sorta 'gut-feeling', more intuitive decision maker, so I'm going to give him a few more days to decide his stance.
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