Once on a flight to Seattle, I was chatting with the Washington state native seated next to me. After we touched down on the runway, we had to wait before we could approach the gate. I looked out the window, at the grass next to the runway, and a little yellow flower blooming happily.
"What plant is that?" I asked.
The man looked at me oddly. "What plant?"
"That one, right there, with the flowers."
"Oh, that? That's just a weed," he said.
I laughed. "Not where I come from. It's green and alive and growing of it's own volition. In southern California I'm certain that flower, if it would even condescend to grow in our dry soil, has a latin name, a horticulture society, and it's seeds are sold in Wal-Mart with a label stating that's it's 'hardy and low maintainence.' If we could get that 'weed' to grow alongside our freeways, it would be our state flower. If it's invasive, we call it a 'ground cover.' No, my friend, 'weed' is in the eye of the beholder, and were I come from, there are no weeds."
And so I suggest that if you have something that is considered a weed, it's merely in the wrong state and should be mailed to -
Rest Stop 40
Highway 101, CA
We'll know what to do with it.
I realized my odds are great, so I immediately got to work.
I found put half a muffin I found in the conference room on a plate with a bunch of animal crackers I'd bitten the heads off of, calling it "Mystery Muffin and Headless Animal Crackers."
My Homie told me I actually have a shot at winning, over people who, you know, like actually turned their ovens on.
Now that's scary.
Shockingly(!) I didn't win, due to the fact that the judges didn't want to sample a half eaten animal cracker. It was suggested that perhaps I'd taken the "Scariest Dessert" category a little too seriously.
Oh well, a whole year to plan for next Halloween. Anyone know where I can get a moat and some alligators?
I believe that any emotion has an energy. No one could deny the power they wield over one's own self.
I believe that sometimes emotion can just slosh over the edges of a person.
I believe that anyone who slows down and really pays attention to another person can be 'psychic,' and I don't believe that this is any less magical than staring into a crystal ball.
Listening is magic.
I believe that you must be a bit careful, people don't like to be read too well, and nothing will get you burned at a stake faster than seeing someone's secrets.
Discretion is magic.
I believe that magic is in the eye of the beholder.
I believe that children can spot magic a mile off, and it's the one thing I've never once known a child to be stingy about sharing.
Children are magic.
I believe that the best way to get love is to give it freely, making Love the strongest spell you can put on someone.
Love is the strongest magic of all.
I believe that magic isn't all that mysterious after all. Sometimes it's as simple as a hot shower, a cold drink, or a warm hug.
I believe that good luck attracts more of itself.
And I believe that Luck is just another word for attitude.
And so I bid you all on this Halloween, the very best of Luck.
And I don't just mean because I always seem to get coffee on my costumes.
But we still had a very fun weekend, staying in with paint fumes.
Wait, that sounded wrong. Tee hee.
Nick painted my new Bianchi mountain bike frame (and by "new" I mean "new to me.") It's now a very shiny-happy blue. Some Big Apple tires and a better brake and "Kitty" will be ready to hit the trails, yay!!
Next we're gonna paint my red beach cruiser "Catalina" a perky canary yellow, and give her some ribbony streamers for her handles. Pictures coming soon!
I started painting the bathroom, white cabinets and green walls. It's going to be a very happy place once I'm done, mostly because once I'm done we can re-hang the bathroom door and pee in peace. Yay!
Mau has been investigating my painting progress, by rubbing his chin on the corners. The green paint brings out his eyes, a compliment that sadly doesn't placate him while I wipe it off with a wet cloth, I learned.
I've had two people informed me that I still have green paint in my hair.
I suppose I should go try to get it out, but it brings out my eyes. Tee hee.
Sarah Smile - "But if I move my hand and then the knife slips, it goes right into my chest. I'd rather stab my hand."
My Nick - "Oh. Right. Carry on then."
Sarah Smile - "It's really amazing that I don't have more scars."
See, raccoons are actually pretty rare around here. I've only seen raccoons one other time in my whole life. Nick rolled his eyes and said raccoons are pests. First I felt indignant, and then I felt superior. Us Californians, we've just got that respect for anything that can eke out a life in our hot dry world. That scarcity breeds an attitude of reverance towards all life, I thought.
As is often the case, I was just being a sentimental boob and Nick was right.
These raccoons are FEARLESS, and they SKIN CATS.
Did I mention they've decided to live on OUR ROOF?
On the bright side, I doubt we'll have any tresspassers.
Beware our Satanic Raccoons.
Sarah Smile - "We have a bit of a problem."
Emergency Maintainence Guy - "Oh dear. What happened?"
Sarah Smile - "Well, you know the sprinkler heads?"
Emergency Maintainence Guy - "Yeah?"
Sarah Smile - "I've got one of them in my hand right now."
Emergency Maintainence Guy - "I get the picture."
Nick and I are gonna pack up Luca and a tent, and go find us a camping spot. We'll just stop at the first campground that appeals to us, prolly someplace up by Lake Cuyamaca.
Cross your fingers and hope it's not too smoky, since all of southern California seems to be on fire at the moment, including the marine base a block away from me.
We need this getaway.
No flammable wigs, no melting face paint, no cheap fabric chaffing your skin.
Your own reflection.
A movie extra.
Your own future child, whom you've been summoned from the past to impersonate, a la Back to the Future II.
A CGI animation of a person.
There you go!
And while it's still 80 degrees outside, inside we set the AC to simulate real seasons.
So it's cold inside.
To celebrate this, I toast your health with tea from the newly restocked tea drawer in my desk, and I thought I'd share some teas that I especially enjoy.
I always enjoy teas I find in little ethnic markets, 'specially if the label is written in a language I don't speak. That's adventure in a mug, man.
Stash makes quite a few rather offbeat teas, like the Moroccan Mint Green tea, a less sweet version of mint, with a hint of lemon. It's not so sugary tasting, which I like.
If you prefer a more traditional mint, Trader Joe's makes a great one.
Trader Joe's also makes a good spiced chai, but I gotta warn you, it's strong. Don't let it seep too long.
Their white tea is one of the best I've tried, as well.
Stash also makes Blueberry tea and Licorice tea, two of my favorites, which you really just have to try. The Blueberry also makes a great iced tea.
Good Earth makes my favorite green tea, and their Red Tea Raspberry gives Celestial Seasonings' Madagascar Vanilla Red tea a run for the money.
I got a good Chrysanthemum tea from the Sweet Garden Co, at my local Asian market. Don't disdain the instant teas.
If you're looking for a more traditional, simple sort of tea, Good Earth's Original tea is great, and you even get a little saying on the teabag tag, such as "Everything I did in my life that worthwhile I caught hell for. - Earl Warren"
And what more could you really ask for?
*raises mug of the Madagascar Vanilla Red tea*
Sarah Smile - *snuggling with Luca*
Luca - *snuggling back*
My Nick - "Almost ready?"
Sarah Smile - "I was just thinking about world peace and I think I've come up with something. I think if we gave everyone in the world a puppy, everyone would be too busy playing and cuddling and snuggling to get in fights. And who would want to? We've all got puppies now. Puppies, man. The answer to world peace."
My Nick - "Um, ok. We need to get going."
Sarah Smile - "There's more. You know all the sickness and disease in the world? Well, I've got an answer to that too. Put a cat on it. They're warm and fluffy and vibrate slightly. They're relaxing. I'm telling you, got something that hurts? Put a cat on it."
My Nick - "Right."
Sarah Smile - "So there you go, world peace and disease. I just solved 'em. How could I NOT get a Nobel Prize for this?"
My Nick - "Probably because you'd show up late. Now lets go."
And it was so nice to get home to my delicious boyfriend.
I'm surrounded by niceness.
And you can never accuse me of taking it for granted.
2. If you were drafted into a war, would you go?
I don't think I'd have a choice, isn't that the point of a draft?
3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Naw. It would wake me back up.
4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
*shifty eyes* Bad habits develop when you live alone.
5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
*laughs* No. Pretend to be shocked, please.
6. Who's the next person you will be seeing?
The next person to wander into the lobby. It'll be a surprise. Stay tuned!
7. How fast can you type?
Pretty damn fast. Thank you MSN Messenger.
8. Are you afraid of the dark?
A little. But I'm very clumsy and have no balance, so it's a legitimate fear for my safety and well-being in my case.
9. Who can you always turn to?
Those market researchers that call me at work. They faithfully listen and type out everything I say. Tee hee. I like to discuss anything that eventually leads to me crying, even if I have to fake it.
10. Whens the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
Every chance I get, which in my case was last Sunday morning.
11. Do you like pringles?
Not really, honestly. I always think I'm going to like them, I eat one and I remember that I really don't.
12. Are you drinking anything right now?
The salty tears of little children whose puppies I've taken from them. Ok, fine, not really. Just water.
13. Do you think you're attractive?
*grin* As of last night, I have it on pretty good authority that I am. And by 'pretty good authority' I mean the sexiest man ever.
14. Can you hoola hoop?
Badly. Very very badly. But not for lack of enthusiasm on my part.
15. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Maybe. Is that any of your business?
16. What do you want for Christmas?
I want Nick to actually get some time off work so we can arrange a visit to Wisconsin. It's not likely. *pouts* Please Santa? He's been ever so good.
17. Do you know the muffin man?
I know his extension.
18. Do you talk in your sleep?
I'm told it's happened.
19. Who's your daddy?
20. Have you ever flown a kite?
YES. I wrecked a few as a kid, but I always attempted to put them back together.
21. When was the last time that you went swimming and where?
Well, Nick and I had some freakishly large margaritas about a month ago, they should qualify.
22. Do you consider yourself successful?
Well, I love a lot of things, so that makes me rich in a sense, the sense that matters to me, so I'd say yes.
23. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
I have no inclination to count.
24. Have you ever asked for a horse?
Naturally, I was a little girl once. I got two.
25. Plans for today?
The Office is on tonight.
Wow, that sounded sad. Picture it again, but this time with puppy kisses and Nick kisses and indian food and giggles.
26. What's your middle name? And why?
Anne, my great grandmother's name. At the time of my birth, I was her 102 great grand child. Mormons.
27. love someone?
Of course. Lots of them. And of course, Nick, more than anyone or anything, anywhere, ever.
28. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
This morning. I never go more than a couple of hours without telling someone I love them. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just to tell them. Ok, I'm kidding. That's a bit creepy. But if I should happen to wake up anyway .....
29. How are you feeling today?
Tired. My own fault though. I stayed up late to just to talk to my honey. He's so cute when he talks politics. Which leads to the other half of the reason I stayed up late.
30. Have you ever crawled through a window?
More times than I can recall. Usually in and out of my own home, but not always.
31. Have you ever eaten dog food?
I sampled a piece of my dog's dry food when I was like five. The smell of the canned stuff disgusts me.
32. Can you handle the truth?
If there's ice cream to wash it down with.
33. What 3 things do you always bring with you to places?
Chapstick, breath mints and a book. Which, ironically, is the same three things I'd take to a deserted island, so if that should ever happen unexpectedly, I'm covered.
34. Any cool scars?
Well, the tip of my right pinkie is still a bit mangled from that dropping the fishtank incident. In hindsight, I prolly should have gone in for stitches. *shrugs* Oh well, it didn't fall off or anything. And then there's that big combo burn/cut scar on the small of my back. Remind me to tell you about that sometime.
35. Do you like or have a crush on anyone? Do they know?
YES, and I never let him forget it. *grin*
36. How many kids do you plan on having?
Let's revisit this question after I've had one. Then I'll have a better idea. I like the idea of having a big family, but I like the idea of having lots of time and money for them as well, so we'll see how that goes.
37. How often do you talk on the phone?
All day. Literally.
38. Do you talk to yourself?
Naturally. I'm usually a very understanding, and always a captive, audience.
39. Is there something you want that you can't have?
Wings. All the time in the world. An undead monkey.
40. Three things about the opposite sex that you first notice?
That depends on the person. What attracts me to one isn't what might attract me to another.
41. Who are you thinking about right now?
It randomly occurred to me that I forgot to tell the guy at the mexican food place on the corner by our old apartment that we moved, so he might be wondering why I haven't been around. I'd better stop in. You know, uh, just to be polite. And to get some rolled tacos. Just to be polite. *giggle*
42. Who did you last hug?
Nick, in the parking lot this morning. He kissed my forehead 'cause I had a headache. *smile*
43. Where is your phone?
I actually have no idea where my cell is. My work phone here, I couldn't lose it if I tried, it's like three feet long.
44. What was the last thing you ate?
Peanut butter. On a spoon.
45. Favorite Colors?
46. Last movie watched?
The Wedding Planner with Lou.
47. What song do you currently hear?
A song by Chayanne, a latin artist. I'm not sure which one.
48. What do you want?
I wanna get out of here and go play with Nick and Luca.
49. Who do you like/love?
To many to list here.
I wish that I could shrug on my blue LL Bean backpack, and find myself walking out of Honors Geometry, scrawny and 16, with my white knee socks and more freckles. I wish Roger would fall in next to me, and we'd trudge on down the hill to Spanish II.
Just like we did 10 years ago, before Roger died.
Those were the six minutes a day when he kept me sane and never forgot to reminded that it was all gonna be ok. When, right before we walked into spanish, he would stop me and smile and look me in the eye when I smiled back, to make sure it was genuine.
And all these years later, every single day, I feel like I'm missing some essential part of my day.
I need those six minutes.
Is that so much to ask?
Sarah Smile - "Well, I certainly couldn't get angry right now. I haven't had any coffee yet. I can't muster up any strong emotions until about 9am."
Tech Guy - "She used to get mad at [Previous Employee.]"
Sarah Smile - "[Previous Employee]?" *racks brain*
QC Guy - "That wasn't mad, she was just annoyed."
Tech Guy - "Little bald guy, used to go up and flirt with you .... "
Sarah Smile - "Oh that guy. Yeah, I was just annoyed, not mad. Wait wait. That was flirting?!?"
Tech Guy - "Yeah."
Sarah Smile - "Eeeeew! Really?"
Tech Guy - "Yeah.
Sarah Smile - "Really?"
QC Guy - "Yeah."
Sarah Smile - "Ok, now I'm mad at him."
Why on earth do TV show characters have to break up?
And lets just get the "it's more realistic" line out of the way. Who turns on their TV looking for realism?
I've been wondering this every since Zack and Kelly broke up on Saved By The Bell. There I was, young and impressionable and so depressed, and more than that, I was confused as to why the writers of the show felt the need to put us through this ON PURPOSE.
And don't tell me it would be boring if nobody ever broke up. If you think happily ever after is boring, then you are a boring person.
< / rant>
5'3 if I stand up really straight. But I'm tough, man. Don't make me bite you in the kneecap.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
Is that what you do with heroin? I thought you injected it. Or does "smoking" refer to when you do that melting thing in a spoon with the lighter underneath? You'd think I'd know these things.
3. Do you own a gun?
A water gun. Watch out!
4. Who's your best friend?
Why, The Internet, of course.
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
Well, I'll actually brush my hair, and try to avoid asking questions about how one would take heroin, but I'm not nervous per se. I'm really nice, and good to those I love, so if they try not to like me, they're fighting an uphill battle.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I try not to think of them at all.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night. Makes me cry.
8. What do you prefer to eat in the morning?
Fruit. Or sushi, which gets some funny looks.
9. Can you do push ups?
Yes, but please don't ask me how many.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
A ring that my Grandfather made for me, before he died. I never take it off.
12. Do you like painkillers?
Only when necessary. I don't like taking pills.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
14. Do you own a knife?
Lots actually. But most of them are kitchen knives.
15. Do you have A.D.D.?
No, I have a freakishly long attention span.
16. Middle Name?
"Trouble." Ok, not really. I wish. "Anne."
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
This photo is amazing.
That picture on the wall is staring at me.
I have to pee.
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Breakfast, lunch and a lotto ticket. All at the same place, actually.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
Water, coffee and wine.
20. What time did you wake up today?
5:50am. Well, that's when I got out of bed. I don't think I was awake until a good 20 minutes later.
22. Current worry?
Will I ever get to take a vacation?
23. Current hate?
The timeclock on my computer. It's possessed by Satan, or one of the major demons. *waves burning sage at her screen*
24. Favorite place to be?
In Nick's arms, my cheek against his.
25. Least favorite place to be?
My car insurance office. Something about that place makes me feel like a blob of jello. Not in a good way.
26. Where would you like to go?
HOME. I can't wait until all my fussing and arranging is done.
27. Do you own slippers?
Lots of them. I don't know the exact number, I'm just hoping it's even.
28. What shirt are you wearing?
Blue polycotton blend button-up.
29. Do you burn or tan?
First I burn. Then I peel. Underneath is a shade of skin just a teeny-tiny bit tanner. Repeat as needed.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Green, like my lover's eyes. *smile*
31. Would you be a pirate?
I'd be down with the sailing and the strange pets and the secret islands and lets be honest, the rum drinking, but I don't know that I'm much of a robber or killer.
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
Hmmmm. Think I had a beer while unpacking last Sat. night.
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Old country songs.
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Tall people. No, really.
35. What's in your pockets right now?
My hopes and dreams. A falling star. Lint.
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
White eyelet, to match the comforter and canopy cover. I felt so grown up.
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Broken collarbone or the dislocated knees.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Two, I think.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
Coco or Lola. No wait. Me.
42. Who is your most silent friend?
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
Yes, I wish for more shooting stars.
45. What is your favorite book?
The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery, followed closely by From Beginning to End by Robert Fulghum.
46. What is your favorite candy?
Black licorice jelly beans.
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Maybe a medley of crass or terribly inappropriate songs, stuff about breaking up and cheating. While I'm walking down the aisle or something. Maybe end with Smack My Bitch Up.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Fields of Gold by Sting. Then that wedding medley again. *giggle*
49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Playing Candyland with a bunch of ducks, while attempting to convince them not to go back north in spring. Hmmmm. That might have been a dream.
50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
Wow. Nothing is sleeping on my face. I must not be at home.
"Under 40 characters, no images, anything you want, for ten bucks a week."
And if that's not worth ten bucks, nothing is.
[His name] - Ask me about my mother's sexual activity.
[His name] - I wet the bed.
[His name] - Come to my candle party?
[His name] - Have you hugged your receptionist today?
[His name] - I sold my underwear to a man on the bus last night.
Any other suggestions?
As William Shakespeare once wrote, "I will never be a fish. Alas".
Few men have ever understood the secret
It will be hard to sandwich our personal organisers between these cardigans.
I have no idea what he means, but isn't that a lovely email to start the morning? I'll be pondering on it all day.
While I ate peanut butter with a spoon and said, "I dunno, what do you think?" repeatedly, she slaved over this shiny new template.
To celebrate, here is a picture of us in San Francisco, in which I obviously attempted to copy her outfit.
Three people who smell like urine just wandered in and asked for four applications.
miss kendra says:
Sarah Smile says:They don't look homeless, they look like the sort of stoner losers who would pee on themselves.
miss kendra says:
thats still pretty bad. if you're peeing on yourself, you have problems.
Sarah Smile says:
I don't actually keep applications here, since we mostly hire through employment agencies, and people with resumes.
So I had to call back to HR to bring some up.
So they're just sitting here, in the lobby, smelling like pee.
I dunno, maybe it's just one of them, I can't tell.
Pee and cigarettes and hangover sweat.
It's REALLY strong.
miss kendra says:
you should suggest they take showers before returning. politely, but still.
Sarah Smile says:
I keep holding my coffee mug under my nose as if I'm blowing on it.
I figure that falls under the 'If they don't already know, would anyone here appreciate working with them' catagory.
I think they should be doing something outside, perhaps.
Where the smell could dissapate.
They're staying to fill them out here.
It's a four page application, and I'm out of scented candles.
miss kendra says:
i'm so sorry
Sarah Smile says:
I would take my lunch break, but I'm not leaving these wackos here.
One of them decided to fill it out on the corner of my desk.
And kick it with his foot repeatedly and say "Ow" each time.
I looked at him and he wandered off to the coffee table.
Am I on camera?
miss kendra says:
i hope so
Sarah Smile says:
Everyone passing through the lobby is looking to me for an explanation.
I forgot to mention, the fourth one wandered in.
The one that was kicking my desk just handed me his application.
It appears he's never had a job before.
miss kendra says:
excellent. he should be finished filling that thing out soon.
Sarah Smile says:
He scares me. He looked pointedly at my boobs and then clicked his teeth together a couple times.
Dear God, please tell me I'm on camera.
Sarah Smile says:
I kid you not, the one that borrowed a pen just handed it back and it was STICKY.
Thank god for wet naps.
They've handed them all in.
WHY ARE THEY STILL SITTING HERE??
Dear Internet, if this is my last post for a couple days, please send in a urine sniffing dog to find my attackers.
*eats another piece of candy corn*
But that's just who I am. I can't change it.
My mother tried when I was a kid. Timers, warnings, cold water, you name it.
I've tried myself, at the request of every roommate. It's like when I get in there, I go into another state of being, and I simply cannot be rushed.
And the older I get, the more I simply accept that some things aren't worth trying to change.
Like drinking coffee.
I can accept that.
What have you given up trying to change?
Sarah Smile - "Ready? Lets see if we can find any Pimp My Ride episodes."
Lou - "Hopefully they're pimpin' someting on MTV."
Lou - "That didn't sound right."
Sarah Smile - "Not right, but very accurate."
I told her that she has a wrong number, and she literally screamed "WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"
After a long pause I hung up.
She called back and demanded to know if Dean had gone to bed yet.
I said I wasn't sure, but would go check.
And then I hung up.
Owner with a Sense of Humor - "It's all moot. You can't own a dog with someone until you're married. It says so in the Bible."
........ finding Nick and Luca asleep and sliding in between them for a kissy cuddlefest. I think they missed me. *grin*
This picture, from Elvira's myspace, which for some reason just slays me.
Lou - "I could never be a wedding planner."
*later in the movie*
Sarah Smile - "Do I have to be greek to have a greek wedding?"
Lou - "No, and that could be FUN. We'll throw plates, and I'll get my crazy aunt to chase people around with sheeps' eyeballs!"
Sarah Smile - "And you say you could never be a wedding planner." *scoffs*
But then we got the idea to tailor our treats to the costume.
Witches get kittens.
Pirates get those little bottles of rum.
Princess get valium, someone to follow them home with a camera or an Elton John CD. (Airbags were deemed "not funny.")
Devils get lighters and a gas can.
So do pilgrims.
Ghosts get cans of glow in the dark spray paint.
Cowboys get a large, raw, unpacked steak.
Knights get switchblades.
Vampires get V8.
Clowns get a gift certificate for therapy.
Ballerinas get a threepack of double cheeseburgers.
Any sort of animal costume gets a poster from Peta's "I'd rather be naked than wear fur" ad campaign.
Biblical characters get a Harry Potter book.
I think the kids will like us, don't you?
Favorite Salesguy - "Mornin' Peaches."
Sarah Smile - "[Favorite Salesguy]! You're back from vacation!"
Favorite Salesguy - "Yeah, went to Hawaii, took the earthquakes with me."
Sarah Smile - "Oooooooooo, how was that?"
Favorite Salesguy - "Oh, interesting in a 16th floor highrise. 6-8 inch sway."
Sarah Smile - "FUN."
Favorite Salesguy - "All the tourists from the East Coast were freaked. They all said they didn't know how we could handle it, and went home."
Sarah Smile - "So they're like us with snow?"
Favorite Salesguy - "Yeah." *laughs*
Sarah Smile - "Ahhhh, it's cold and it's wet and it's ON ME. Get it off, get it off!"
Thérèse: Hee, you SHOULD HAVE!
Sarah Smile: We were at this shelter open house, to get Luca micro chipped.
But she was pricey, there was a line, and she didn't have bangly bracelets or a crystal ball.
Well I wouldn't have either
Everyone knows a psychic's credibility is heavily dependant on the number of bangly bracelets.
Sarah Smile: Dogs like bangly bracelets.
Thérèse: They're like... directly proportional.
Sarah Smile: I knew you'd understand.
My Nick - *tire tread mark across his forehead* "No, not really."
Sarah Smile - "Tee hee. I love you."
Sarah Smile - "Yep. I'm surprised we still have a rollerskating rink in business. Wanna go sometime? We can trip all the laser tag punk kids."
My Nick - "Naw. I'd prolly end up getting arrested."
Sarah Smile - *laughs*
My Nick - "Maybe that's why there is a bail bonds place right next door."
When you give him a treat (or a piece of pizza crust) he treats it like a piece of hard candy, and sucks on it until it's gone.
If you blow hard into his nose, his cheeks inflate. And he tolerates this. Teehee.
My Nick - "Where?"
Sarah Smile - *points* "Over there in the white abduction van that has 'Help!' etched backwards into the hood."
My Nick - "Your friends scare me."
- In a sense, everything. Taking away the familiar to me is a bit like tearing off a bandaid, it smarts even though you know it's coming.
- My neighbors. Steve with his endless coffee drinking and one liners when you least expected them. BJ, fussing and pottering over plants and people with her twinkling smile. Jared, my wonderfully quiet neighbor who seemed to maintain a perpetual cheery mood for two years, and my Weird Neighbor, from whom I never knew what to expect and loved him (from afar) for it.
- The line of smudges on the living room window about a foot up from the windowsill, from kitty noses. It kinda hurt to windex that off.
- The recipe cards I had taped to the inside of the oven hood, so that I could give the impression that I was cooking from memory. (Hee.)
- The view from my window, especially at twilight when the shadows creep up on the hills and the houselights come on and the trees are outlined by the last rays.
- My pretty white marble shower with endless hot water. (My new bathroom will need a little work to rival it, although it does have much better water pressure. If I was a good person, I would replace it with a water saving shower head. Ahhhhh, water waste during a shortage, it feels soooo decadent.)
- The fountain as you walk into the complex. Throwing pennies in the pool isn't quite the same. Or encouraged, for that matter.
But most of all, I will remember it as the first real home I ever had, the first place I felt safe, because it was mine, and I could shut out anything I wanted.
*they pause, and look up*
Sarah Smile - "Yes, I can't help but overhear from here, but I'm also playing with finger puppets over here, so how much of a threat can I be?"
Your new supercaravan working out well?
Sarah Smile says:
I heart my steel tube of a home.
Sarah Smile says:
But it's not the sort of trailer you can hitch up and tow away.
I'm sure it's fine just where it is.
Can it fly?
Sarah Smile says:
I think it was trucked there in two pieces.
There seems to be a seam of sorts running down the middle.
That's probably where you attach the wings.
Sarah Smile says:
Well it IS a steel tube.
Perhaps it IS a plane.
It makes perfect sense to me that you would live in a flying caravan.
Some people are flying caravan people; others aren't. You definitely are. It's nature.
Sarah Smile says:
Did I ever mention that my flying caravan is right next to an airfield?
No, but that makes sense too.
Sarah Smile says:
We're right next to this little airport where old retired men keep their little planes and talk about WWII.
My home must have just flown in.
And just liked the spot, so it stayed.
Being Me is a process that begins early in the morning.
Shockingly, my rosy-glowing aura is not natural, nor as some have suggested, the result of a soup themos of cocaine.
I recommend a morning walk through a playground, not avoiding the monkey bars or the slides.
As much as possible, carpool with someone who's happy or at least willing to make out with you. Bookend your work day with kisses.
If the morning commute is stop and go, remember this is an excellent opportunity to dog-ear the naughty bits of a trashy romance novel.
For extra bounce in your step/hair, I suggest adding cake sprinkles to you coffee, and again no, this is not street slang for any sort of drug use. Being Sarah is about loving the tequila, at socially acceptable hours, not the blow. More on that later. And by "later" I mean after lunch, at the earliest.
And now for the phones lessons.
- Greet callers in a somewhat subdued voice, and after they state their name, raise the pitch of your voice an octave. This makes them feel special.
- If you make a mistake, lower your voice to a whisper while confessing it. People love secrets and now you've taken them from offendee to your co-conspirator.
- If someone is ranting, say nothing. Once it's tailed off, still say nothing. Wait for a direct question, don't respond to accusations ("I've called four times!") or observations ("I don't think he's ever at his desk.") This encourages the caller to calm down and focus on what you can do for them. ("Could you try his desk again?") Responding in any way keeps the pointless exchange going. Listen politely, waiting for an actual question mark.
Drink lots of water. Despite the joking (mostly by me) it is in fact just water in my green walrus-shaped bottle.
And speaking of my green walrus-shaped water bottle, surround yourself with things that make you smile. Unless what makes you smile is something offensive and/or disruptive, such as Dane Cook or pictures of poo.
Always get plenty for rest.
And remember, everyone likes to be said hi to. Unless they're reading a book.
If all of the above doesn't make you a more pleasant person to be around, or if you find that conferences are the easiest way to avoid actual work, I suggest my week long day camp. The schedule is as follows.
Morning - Sign in / Name Tag decoration.
Stickers, glitter and googley-eyes will be provided, no blinking lights allowed for pool safety reasons.
Afternoon - Computer Lab Mixer
Don't be shy, IM the cute guy/girl one row over. Show off your impressive collection of emoticons. Please wear your formal bedroom slippers.
Evening - PILLOW FIGHT!
Morning - The coffee pool will be open for swimming, along with our annual breakfast Burrito Competition. Prizes will be given for Firmest, Most Alcoholic, and Most Disguised Vitamins.
Afternoon - Food Coma. Lawn chairs will be provided. After light smoothies, there will a screening of old South Park episodes on our outdoor screen.
Evening - Twilight Bicycle Parade and Indian food. Floor pillows will be provided, please bring your own sari. Tiger striped cats will be on hand for petting.
Morning - We kick off our Circus theme day with an easygoing trampoline workout. Then you can pick the class of your choice, Juggling 101 or House Training Your Pet Lion.
Afternoon - After a lunch of international varieties of popcorn, you have your choice of afternoon classes. TieDye Your Cotton Candy or The Unicycle-Not Just for Commuting Anymore.
Evening - Sit back, relax, and enjoy the stunning pyrotechnics of the FireFly Circus.
Morning - Wine tasting. What? You're on vacation. We'll meet on the back porch. Mingling and feeding the pigeons is encouraged.
Afternoon - A leisurely hot air balloon ride. Binoculars, biodegradable eco-friendly confetti, birdseed and trays of tiny sandwiches will be provided.
Evening - Rooftop stargazing/Makeout Party, an excellent time to make sure you have a date for the Last Night (Of The World) Party.
Morning - Float down the river in an old tire. BYOB.
Afternoon - We'll be meeting at the Craft House, which is the treehouse we are building entirely out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners and macaroni.
Evening - The traditional Last Night (Of The World) Party. Loot the snack bar, drink tequila, call your lover, and gather around the mother of all bonfires for lots of pyro fun!
Together, we can make our office look just like this.
I don't think there is a big enough font to express how monumental this is.
I love my job.
So damn much.
The new CEO just informed everyone in the company and all our worldwide offices via telecom that they should, and I quote, "be more like Sarah." Something about my enthusiasm or pleasantness or somesuch, and if everyone acted like me, the office would be a better place.
No, he really said that.
I find this idea to be delicious and terrifying.
I'm a wee bit drunk on it.
A whole office of little mes.
Can you picture it?
Can you kindly draw a pictue of what you're picturing and send it to me? I want to decorate my cubicle with them.
Leave a message and if we can hear it, we'll call you back.
I like the idea of baffling the neighbors a little.
See, I've learned that a person can gain the upper hand in pretty much any situation by coming across as sweet and insane. It gives you an chance to determine who you want to form friendships with (dial up the sweet) and who you want to avoid (dial up the insane).
After a bit of observation I've concluded that I want some of the undersupervised neighbor kids to think I'm nuts. I want my stuff to be respected while I'm at work. And I might have to step up my Insane game to have it be noticed here in the 'mobile lounge' park.
Who doesn't love a chance to dance a little closer to the Loony Line than usual?
I sure do.
And so I shall enhance my aroma of crazy in the following ways.
I'll post Mau's x-rays up in the windows, the ones that were taken right after he got run over.
I'll regularly address the park from the pulpit on my porch. "Thus sayeth the Lay-ord, a blight on those who's cats poop in my yard! And thus sayeth the Lay-ord, those who ram their bicycles in my car shall find a cheeto shortage across the land."
I'll smuggle in a mannequin by pretending it's my drunk friend, then bury one part, wrapped in trash bags, each full moon.
Any other suggestions?
Dragging myself along by sheer force of will tired.
Can't stop until it's done so suck it up tired.
Last night I was scrubing up the old place. The end was in sight.
Once we finished cleaning, the only thing left to do would be arrange for a trash pick up to clear out the back half of our new place's driveway, and to tow the Gwennie over from her current spot on the street by the old place to that back half of our new driveway.
But turns out they're doing some work on the street today, and Gwennie had to be moved last night or be towed today.
We could have had her towed last night but we have no space for her yet at the new place.
So in short, last night found us not finishing the cleaning, but pushing a car around the block.
Tonight we go back again to the old place and finish up the cleaning.
I need a nap. Like a four day nap.
A four day nap cuddled up to Nick and all my pets.
A girl can dream.
Sarah Smile - " ........... Well ........... because .......... it's a freakin' pulpit."
Thérèse: Toronto, Ontario.
In Naomi's apartment.
Sarah Smile: Sweet!
I wish I lived near Ikey.
When is this interview?
And with whom?
Thérèse: This interview is on Thursday, with an environmental engineering consulting firm, in Calgary.
Which is technically closer to you than I was before, and am now.
Sarah Smile: Wow.
Come to me, baby.
Doug says it's about a 9 hour roadtrip from Vancouver, which is a couple of hours away.
I'm not sure exactly how that works out, but it sounds doable. I just did a 17 hour roadtrip. No problem.
Sarah Smile: My new house is like a couple miles closer to you.
Thérèse: Baby steps.
Hee hee hee.
Sarah Smile: Yep.
At this rate, by the time we're 85. Excellent.
We have plans for when w'ere 85!
Sarah Smile: Sweet! I'll bring the prunes.
Just picture it.
He pitches sideways a little, his jowls tremble and he looks slightly confused.
Yeah. It's that cute.
I got a spam email telling me of a holiday stock up sale on bonnet designs.
For all my bonnet designing needs.
It's like antique spam email.
Tomorrow I expect one on cast iron stoves and hat pins.
One of our crazy neighbors shouting indignantly at a kid on a bike who asked about her Halloween decoration, "Of course it's plastic, I can't carve a pumpkin!" as if it were brain surgery. I was gonna carve the pumpkin I bought, but maybe then they'll think we're pretenious and uppity. I definatly better hide the chopsticks and the encyclopedia.
And speaking of encyclopedias, the other night I found myself saying, "Wow. That's really weird. It looks like one of the cats has been eating volume "L" of the encyclopedias. And halfway through that sentence I realized it MUST have been Mau."
That list is ..... two little spots of carpet.
We were prepared for this onslaught of raging puppiness, but it's really more like having a little old man as a houseguest. He figured out the concept of potty training overnight. Literally. He sits quietly, fiddles with his toys, and snuggles like mad.
He could cuddle endlessly, so naturally he and Dulce are totally BFF now.
I'm not kidding.
I have pictures to prove it, and I'll show you as soon as we unpack the box with the cord to upload them.
And yes, we settled on a name. We mutually agreed on Luca Brasi, after that guy in The Godfather, but since it was technically Nick's suggestion, I get to pick his middle name. I narrowed it down to two, then decided on both.
So tomorrow I will have pictures of Luca Snaps Jesus Brasi, Private First Class.
("loo-ka snaps! gee-suss bra-zee")
He's so big it's easy to forget what a tiny baby he is.
The neighbors all think he's a half-grown pitbull, which is fine by me.
But he's such a gentle lovey boy.
He's really bonded with Nick, Dulce, the loveseat and me.
I wanna go home and nibble on his widdle puppy ears.
And because we planned on replacing the carpet in a year anyway.
But mostly because of that first reason. We are out of our minds.
So tonight we pick up our very own great dane puppy!!
And in all seriousness, we have thought about this for a long time, what it mean, what it will cost, what it will do (to our couches). We're appropriately terrified, prepared and EXCITED.
Nick has spent the last 24 hours walking around with a huge grin, occasionally saying "PUPPY!!" It's so freakin cute.
I'm certain Dulce will be terrified until she realizes that the dog has the exact same personality and love of cuddling that she does.
Mau will be happy to have something else to boss around and chase.
We picked out our puppy last night.
Of the four puppies, we chose the most responsive one. When I tapped his nose or snapped my fingers, he looked me in the eye. He didn't thrash when I picked him up, and he was the least chomp-y of them all. He's 11 weeks old, and his paws are already bigger than my palm.
He's a brindle, very black on the face, practically tiger striped on his body.
I'm so excited!
We haven't picked out a name yet, we're still working on that. Actually we're kinda in a hurry before the nickname we gave him sticks.
Wish us luck.
Or as the sign says, a "Mobile Lounge."
First of all, because this is important, it's a pretty trailer park. I mean "mobile lounge." I wouldn't be able to live someplace plain or ugly. It would tear at my eyeballs daily. At the least, where I live has to have potential to be pretty.
And when I say it's pretty, I that in a breezy, hundreds of palm trees, overgrown oleander hedges, very kitsch, next to a small airfield, 50's era cottages gone slightly to seed, lots of moths but very clean sort of way.
Have you ever seen the movie version of Great Expectations with Gwyneth Paltrow and Ethan Hawk? It reminds me of that, in the best possible way, complete with the vague aroma of Miss Dismore brand of batshit crazy.
And on to more concrete advantages.
It's crazy-cheap. Cheaper than my apartment.
It's bigger than my apartment. Doublewide, baby. Nick's bikes get their own room. I get, in addition to the regular closet, a huge walk in closet with a desk and a window, which will be my craft nook. Side note - I love the word 'nook.'I can paint the walls. I've lived with white walls all my life. I am sick to death of white walls. I can PAINT, and boy oh boy do I have plans along those lines.
No pet restrictions. I can have 37 cats if I want, or a paraplegic puppy named Matilda.*
I'll have a smidge of a yard, and a vine covered carport. And a hose. I'm really happy about having my own hose. It's the little things in life. Like having trash cans right outside the kitchen door, not a dumpster at the far end of the parking lot.
It's closer to work. Not a lot closer, but closer.
There is a front porch. A real one, not just a walkway to the neighbors door either. I can put out chairs and all my plants and maybe even that pulpit I bought at a yard sale a couple years ago, which makes an excellent bar.
My own washer and dryer, yay!
If the next door neighbors are drug dealers, at least they're quiet about it.
And that's all I really ask out of life.
*actually a distinct possibility.
Sarah Smile - "Hmmmm?" *realizes the radio has fallen silent* "Oh right. The radio."
Radio - *song comes on*
Sarah - "I didn't even notice at first that there was dead air. It was nice. Stations should be like people. They should shut up occasionally."
I told him that one guy had stood out to me, that he was professional, polished and very polite.
Our excutive went ahead and hired that man.
Today that man openly oggled my boobs.
Well, I think she liked the part where Nick picked her up and cuddled her, but as soon as she realized he was walking out the door, the world went flipflop for her.
Once in the car, she flattened herself on the backseat, wedging herself as far as possible between the seat cushion and the back cushion. Which really isn't possible at all but she somehow managed to get a surprising amount of her body in that crevice that doesn't actually exist, a testament to determination.
Once we arrived at our new place, she hid behind the only thing she could find to hide behind, a box of pancake mix that Lola left behind on a pantry shelf. Later she decided that burying her head under my overnight bag was more comforting.
Concerned that her bid to self-sufocate by sheer force of will would be sucessful, Nick tucked her under the covers where she stayed all night, plasted to his side.
As of this morning, she was still under there.
Dulce doesn't like all this.
Sadly, I know just what that feels like.
Looks awkward doesn't it?
But really, they're GREAT for moving.
It's basically this concept, on steroids.
Instead of pulling all the weight up to my hip and holding it out away from my body, this swings along easily.
Doesn't work too well for things like books or dishes, but for everything else they're like giant tote bags.
They fit great in the back seat or trunk of my sedan too.
A headless barbie in the crisper, an arm in a cupboard, a head hanging from the ceiling, a torso in the toilet.
What she doesn't know is that I partially reassembled one of them and it's now somewhere in her luggage. I kept its head and one leg. It's our best friends doll and when ever we see our half, we'll (scream and then) think of each other.
Sarah Smile - *whimpers* *sneezes repeatedly* *snot runs from nose* *one eye won't stop watering* *whimpers* "I want to die. Just for a little while, until this move is over. But then again, if I die for real, I don't need to move. Just take what you want and leave my dead body here. You'd lose the deposit, but that's still cheaper than a funeral."
My Nick - "I know the lease didn't say anything about 'no dead bodies,' but I'm pretty sure it's a rule, no dead bodies."
Sarah Smile - "Time to call the cops again?"
Batshit Crazy Druggies - *quiet down slightly*
My Nick - "Not yet."
Sarah Smile - "I'm so glad we're moving."
My Nick - "You know what I want to do? As our last official act here, I'd like to throw a glass jar of cat pee in their window."
Sarah Smile - *laughs* "Mau, could you pee in this jar for the rest of the week? I know the lid could be tricky, but could you do that for Mama and Daddy?"
Maximus - *arches one eyebrow, turns head to hear the uproar outside, then lays his head down on his paws with a resigned sigh*
Sarah Smile - "I take that as a huge compliment."
There was only one thing that used to confuse me about you.
You're one of the most capable women I know.
It was an inspiration to sit and listen to you dream and tell me all the amazing things you want to do with your life, and yet you would often pause and second guess yourself.
"Do you think I could do that?"
In answer to that question, the same answer I will always have to that guestion even if I'm not there to say it is -
Whatever Lola wants,
- Sarah Smile
P.S. I miss you already.
Sarah Smile - *sniffle* "Yeah."
Owner with a Sense of Humor - "I know a cure for the comman cold. You go home and take a vicodine. You still have a cold, but you really don't care."
In fact, I encourage it.
Sarah Smile - *raspy* "I read online that this is ok."
My Nick - "They prolly meant a pure beeswax candle or something, not that heavily scented vanilla one. That's a major dose of chemicals."
Sarah Smile - "How bad could it be?"
My Nick - *singsong* "Cancer, cancer, cancer."
Sarah Smile - *shrugs*
*watches the marshmallow turn an odd shade of sooty orange*
"Ok, you might have been right."
Plus, they're the cute argyle ones I got at that shoe store in the middle of Nowhere, CA, when MK and I had to make an emergency shoe stop, and so that makes me smile.
This. Thank you, Coworker, She of the Lovely Curls.
My cute box of tissues, and Boris Badfeeling.
Last night I went home to a cuddly (and recovering) boyfriend, who'd downloaded three new episodes of Family Guy for me, and when I dozed off watching them, he carried me to bed. I love him so damn much.
Katie (far right) and I(second from the right) met at a summer camp up in the mountains, the camp I fondly refer to as the Little Christian Overachiever's Camp. No, "fondly" isn't sarcasm, I really loved it. I could show off my freakishly good memorization skills to the cute boys, flawlessly rattling off scripture verses, in hopes of catching the eye of some cute overachiever boy who might then ask me to the banquet the last night.
Katie and I had our eye on the same cute boy, Luke (third from the right), and rather than fight over him, we bonded over our hopeless crushes.
How flatteringly transparent we must have been to him, Kates. *giggle* And I always loved you for not showing the tiniest smidge of bitterness when he asked me to the banquet, and if you were just hiding it well, you'll be glad to know I felt so bad I really didn't enjoy myself much.
Look at us, KatieK. Remember the everpresent scrunchie phase? Your white one there on your arm (I used to wonder how you kept it so CLEAN) and my black one that's on the arm you can't see here. I'm certain of that. It was always on that wrist.
And of course, the navel hospital, where we were the first to arrive when we heard his spleen had burst. *nudge* Say, was I the only one who made note of the fact that he wasn't wearing underwear when he tugged at the scrubs to show us his incision? *reminiscent sigh* Even today I remember that innocent little patch of hip. It was surprisingly tan. *raised eyebrow*
What were we? 14? 15?
I still have that first letter you sent me, written the day after camp, were we bemoaned the cruelty of human existance, that every single day of our lives couldn't be spent in the pine scented air of Little Christian Overachiever Camp, our natural home and birthright, oh the humanity!
The letters turned into spending weekends at each others' houses so often that got mail there. And speaking of mail, remember the photo Christmas cards we sent out that one year?
I apologise for the quality, but that's us, on the car, on my horse Snicker, at that banquet at my school. Remember when I stabbed you in the back of the head with a hairpin while we were getting ready for that banquet? You prolly still have the scar. Remember all the matching outfits, singing "Any Man of Mine," The Blue Castle (which went on be my favorite book of all time), chick flick marathons, the late night whispering confidences about boys, school, and the future.
It's funny the things you remember. I remember how your lipstick always had such a high slant, the little statues you collected, "Hi, we're on a scavenger hunt, do you have a diving board? Well, can I have it? No? Well, then, do you have a BBQ? Can I have it? BUT EVERYONE ELSE HAS ONE!" I remember being in awe of the fact that you were learning latin. And of course, our determined insistance that we were really the Harbottle twins, Esmerelda and Gertrude, separated at birth by our CIA spy parents, for our own protection.
I'm missed you, Katie K. What do you remember?
Yum, yum, yum.
Comfortable pants. That don't have to be tugged at.
Shoulder rubs. Sometimes I wonder why they aren't the worldwide currency.
But was I supposed to stop hugging and kissing the most huggable and kissable man in the world? I don't have that kind of willpower.
The only thing to do was just accept the fact that I'm gonna get his flu.
I still deserve sympathy, right?
Moving is a necessary evil, survivable only because I know I'll love the new place in time.
Moving furniture around the house is fine, but don't switch the silverware drawer. Bunny did this when she bought the house I grew up in, and 8 years later, I still have difficulty with this.
Changing jobs is easier for me than changing commutes. It's difficult for me to describe the subtle calm of knowing exactly what will happen, exactly what I'll see, for two hours out of every workday.
And then of course there is my grocery store. You just don't mess with my grocery store.
I've been going to that grocery store since I was 11. I know the cashiers and they know me. (Interesting fact, I got my very first kiss from a bagboy there.) I know what they carry and where. I reluctantly stayed away during the cashiers strike, out of loyalty to the staff.
It's three blocks away from the house I grew up in, and three blocks away from my current apartment. They put the fresh bread out at 4pm every day.
I know the best times to shop, so that you're only sharing the store with little old ladies (no rushing, no pushing, no screaming kids, and you get great recipes while you chat in line.)
No matter what has changed in the last 14 years, I always knew where to find the mustard.
It's amazingly convienent, to be able to write out your grocery list in the order that you will pass each item.
My grocery store and me, a well-oiled machine. An old married couple. BFFs.
You don't mess with my grocery store.
DID YOU HEAR THAT, MIDDLE MANAGEMENT?
YOU DON'T REMODEL MY STORE AND MOVE THE AISLES AROUND.
(And I think the new color scheme is ugly, but we'll have to wait until my tantrum subsides before we know if that's just spite talking.)
I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY.
Last night while picking up sprite for my poor handsome sickie, I bonded with a woman who's face revealed plainly that she felt the same way as I did.
"I know, ma'am," I said. "I know."
"WHY?" she said plaintively.
"We'll be all right ........... right?"
"In time. In time."
We still have no idea what she could have gotten into, but Nick says it was BAD.
So he took her in the shower.
My boyfriend is BRAVE.
Dulce can go from zero to a 360 degree ball of teeth and claws when she's scared. Lola and I already bear scars from someone closing a door or moving a pillow too quickly in the nearby vicinity while Dulce is in our lap.
We've seen the jaw-dropping speed at which she morphs pretty much into this, just with no handle.
At any rate, she smells pretty again, and she's back to loving me for awhile.
Aren't we like 70% water? Or was the earth? Either way, it's no wonder I have to pee so often.
2. Does the human race have a future?
Yes. But not in acting.
3. What thing that you don't understand the most would you most like to understand the most?
4. Do you think it's fair that some birds of prey eat iguanas?
I try not to think about it at all.
5. Do you trust mirrors?
To varying degrees, that are directly proportional to how flattering they are.
6. Do you sometimes deliberately not the answer the phone to give the impression you're busier or more socially adept than you actually are?
No, I just ignore the phone because I've been a slave to one all day at work and I'm all out of chatty niceyness.
7. Have you ever thought seriously about disappearing in the middle of the night, leaving no clue to where you might have gone, and starting a new life for yourself thousands of miles away?
When I was 18 or 19. I did practically that too, but eventually I came back.
8. When was the last time you basked in that wonderful sense of calm and serenity you get whenever a television is turned off?
Pretty much all the time, but I don't have anything against tv.
9. Do yreguarlyrly eat in bed, or are you opposed to that sort behaviour?
I'm very pro that sort behaviour, in theory at least. In reality, only some foods are good for that sort of thing.
10. What would you do if you woke up and there was a slug on your face?
If I didn't manage to DIE in that very instant, on purpose, to avoid the reality I'd been confronted with, I'd prolly yank it off lightning fast, then spend the next two days huddled in the shower, shuddering in disgust.
11. Do you believe that it would be easier to be a member of the opposite sex?
Goodness no. If you don't have breasts, how do you get people do to anything?
12. Have you ever slept in a field? (Being in a tent does not count).
Yes. It was as lovely and magical as something can be when you're freezing to death.
13. Can you move your mouth without touching your lips?
*looks skeptical* This sounds like one of those trick questions a guy in a bar would ask you so that you would somehow be tricked into making out with him.
14. What's the one thing that you can't do but most wish you could?
15. What if God was one of us?
I think God is more human than some people I know.
16. Is it easier for you to say what you mean than to mean what you say?
It's easier to say what I mean, because I only have to mean it while I'm saying it. To mean what you say implies a commitment to continue to mean what you said.
17. Who did you vote for in the last election: Pepsi or Coke?
I don't think it's womanly to have an opinion on this subject.
18. Do you believe that alien lifeforms frequently visit this planet and abduct people for nefarious purposes?
No, I think they do it simply for amusement. Like us with reality tv.
19. Have you ever pretended to laugh at a joke you actually found really offensive?
No, possibly because people tend to know better than to tell offensive jokes in front of me.
20. Do you think you're special?
Slightly more special than Paris Hilton, slightly less special than Gwyneth Paltrow.
(And yes, I know I can block his emails, and I will if he send one more, but I didn't want to have to do that. I want him to act like the adults we are, and to stop emailing me because he respects my wishes, not because he can't. I wanted that gesture of respect.)
Anyway, I hardly think he could miss the point after my last email. See, Bob had adopted a tone of leadership and authority with me, and I felt it did a disservice to the clarity of conversation to allow him to continue in the delusion that I saw him in that sort of role.
I disabused that notion with a vengeance in my email, I must admit, and I suspect that THAT is the real reason he'll stop emailing me, not because I asked, but hey, at this point, whatever works is fine by me.
In closing my email, I included a list of things he could do instead of emailing me, all of which would be more profitable uses of his time. I'm helpful like that. They ranged from sorting out his relationship with his own children to alphabetizing his CD collection, which I suggested alphabetizing by first name and not last, since so many singers drop their last names eventually. Seriously, see how helpful I am? I concluded with my hope that my list would inspire him to "see that there is such a big world of possibility out there, full of things to do that aren't emailing me!"
Bunny told me she loved my list, and wished she had a more generic version to frame and keep handy to refer people who were harassing her to. And so, for her and anyone else who is being harassed, I proudly present -
The Top Ten List of Things To Do that are More Profitable Uses of Your Time than harassing Me.
Hum to yourself. Find notes, sounds and beats that appeal to you. Put them together and presto! You have your very own THEME SONG! Yay! Now practice, practice practice!
Login all of your dollar bills to www.wheresgeorge.com Now write that website address on every dollar bill that passes through your hands. It's fascinating for the kiddies.
Expand your mind with illegal drugs, then paint what you see. Sell them at a sidewalk sale downtown.
Name your cell phone. Name it after me if you like, and tell it all the things you want to tell me. Make it a craft project if you like, in the style of Mister PotatoHead. Give the little phone-me six eyes and a giant unibrow.
Plant a tree. Plant several if you're really quick with a shovel. Plant a poison ivy hedge completely around yourself and water it well. Ornamental greenery and more oxygen for everyone!
Count the number of ceiling tiles in your office. Count again to make sure. Have a coworker count to double check. If you come up with differing amounts, Indian leg wrestle to determine the winner. Lastly, send out a memo announcing this number, in case anyone needed to know.
Frame OJ Simpson for murder.
Teach a parrot to sing the theme song from The Love Boat.
Feng shui your doctor's waiting room. Leave the parrot in your seat with your chart, and leave.
Go to a strawberry field and tell the migrant workers they can have the day off with pay. Pick strawberries until your fingers are bloody, or they just appear that way from the strawberry juice, which ever comes first.
I am the number one source for news on the "Chinchilla, CA bus kidnap" which I will tell you more about as soon as I finish making up the parts of the story I don't know yet, which is pretty much every part except for the title.
I am the tenth most reliable source on the subject of "'iT'S A SIGN' PIGEON." Most likely because of my recent eyewitness account. Or because I eat hail.
I am also the sixth most respected authority on what "carnations taste like." I must admit this one confuses me, but I'll eat a carnation if you'd like, and report back.
And that's what really brings in the hits. My dedication to my readers.
Sarah Smile - "Ooooo, I know. It so maddening. And the worst of it is that in the back of your mind you know it really could be so much worse and you shouldn't complain, a conclusion that only makes you feel more miserable and misunderstood."
He claimed to feel icky, but when I felt him, he felt just as snuggly and delicious as usual and not icky at all, so it might be some sort of scam.)
But just in case, I locked him in the apartment today with every concievable medication, tea and pillow, and tissues in a very happyshiny box.
And sick or not, I hated to leave.
I wanna go home.
My Nick - "Did we win anything?"
Sarah Smile - *scratching* "Not sure yet."
My Nick - "Anything?"
Sarah Smile - "Uh ....... *holds up ticket* ....... this handy bookmark. Yay!"
While my Knickers was away, I bought a branch of fall leaves at the florist, in case he got a bit homesick for real seasons.
See, around here, only a couple of trees change color, liquid ambers. Plus they don't change until about thanksgiving, and they really just turn yellowish and dry out. And people take them. Seriously. Gotta guard your leaves.
As I was arranging them, I noticed that the leaves I bought were counterfeit. Oh, they were real leaves all right. Yellowy ones that had been painted. Painted! Like, tie-dyed with reds and oranges.
So all that to say, anybody got some real leaves they wanna send me for my Nickel?